


Not American McGee's Alice

by nikkilittle



Category: American McGee's Alice
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-08-10
Updated: 2018-08-10
Packaged: 2019-06-25 09:04:27
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 52,483
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/15637542
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/nikkilittle/pseuds/nikkilittle
Summary: The unauthorized sex parody of American McGee's Alice. Featuring the most amazing collection of Wonderland weapons ever to grace an AMA fanfiction: boob shrooms, pheromone grenades, adult toy powerups. And hamsters. Five caped heroes on miniature motorcycles. This story is pure crack.Don't try to read this on a computer.  Download it and transfer the file to an e-reader.





	Not American McGee's Alice

Title: Not American McGee's Alice  
Category: Games » American McGee's Alice  
Author: nikkilittle  
Language: English, Rating: Rated: M  
Genre: Parody/Humor  
Published: 01-02-15, Updated: 10-05-15  
Chapters: 33, Words: 52,418  
Chapter 1: Chapter 1  
Chapter 1: "The Merry Hamsters of the Village of Doom"

I knew I shouldn't have smoked those funny-looking hand-rolled smokes I stole from the administrator's office. I fell asleep in my room with the door left open. What a mistake! I woke up with one of the superintendant's nephews on top of me pulling my clothes off. Bloody fat disgusting bloke. I kicked him off, but he seemed to have lost interest having seen me in just underclothes.

"Good Lord! Bitch, do you ever eat? You'd be quite a dish if you had any meat on you anywhere, but who wants to bag a sack of bones?"

Off he tromped. Good! Those smokes had made me woozy in the head, and I fell asleep again only to find myself hurtling down a familiar vertical tunnel. The landing sure wasn't the same, though.

A condom dump. All unused and still in the original packaging. Hallelujah! I'd hit the jackpot. Finally a way to have sex without having to worry about ending up prego. I realized that I might not end up a twenty-year-old virgin after all. My twentieth birthday was in four months. Four months to get properly laid. Not raped, I hoped.

No cat to greet me. I stuffed my apron pockets full of condoms and went in search of anyone in the Gnome Village that I knew to be just down the road. Not a gnome in sight. I wandered past the Gnome Village Mayor's office and marveled at how empty the place was. Out the doorway opposite the mushroom shop two card guards came charging at me shouting, "Search her for contraband!"

Contraband? What? I didn't hang around for the card guards to catch me and ran back toward the chasm with a creekbed full of green, nasty, slimy water flowing through it. There was an air geyser in the center of the creekbed with enough lift to let me float over on my wire-rod fitted dress. I jumped and the two idiot card guards jumped also thinking they would float just like me. Straight down into the slime they went. I sure enjoyed taunting them from the bank while they dissolved.

"Awwww! Guardies fall down?"

It occurred to me that these Card Guards didn't look quite the same as the ones that I had seen on my previous sojourn in Wonderland. These Card Guards did not look like playing cards at all. They were more three-dimensional. If anything, they looked more like old-fashioned cloth or burlap dolls stuffed with sawdust. I conjectured that they might make amusing target practice for my croquet mallet. I wondered just how far one might fly if I hit him just right with the mallet.

Cheshire finally showed up. "Careful, Alice! You're carrying contraband. All those condoms you stuffed in your pockets are illegal. That dump you landed in is for all sex-related objects. The Red Queen and her stooge the Queen of Hearts have outlawed sex in Wonderland. Get caught having fun and lose your head. Get caught with condoms and lose your head. Get caught with a dildo and lose your head. Get caught with one of those new-fangled vibrators and lose your head. Get caught enjoying your own equipment and lose your hands. Are you getting the picture? Sex is forbidden in Wonderland. Even playing with yourself is forbidden. When you consider that there's not much else to do around here, those two Queens have pretty much outlawed fun in Wonderland."

"Is there anything around here that I can use to defend myself angainst these cretins?"

Cheshire looked thoughtful for a moment. "The Gnome Elder had a cage full of pet hamsters that he carried everywhere with him in case Card Guards showed up."

"And just what good is a cage full of hamsters going to do me if Card Guards show up?"

"You have to see what they do to realize that a cage full of hamsters can be your best friends in Wonderland. Let's go find them. The Gnome Elder probably left his pets behind when he saw a full squad of Card Guards coming down the road toward his house. Nobody's seen him for days."

"Well, then, let's go feed his pets. They're probably hungry and thirsty by now."

Cheshire led me to the Gnome Elder's little house and had me crawl in the front door.

"Good thing you're such a stick. If your hips had even the slightest bit of width to them, you'd never make it inside a gnome house."

"Thanks for reminding me that I have no shape, Cat. Rub it in. You're no glamour puss yourself."

The Gnome Elder's pet hamsters were in a standard-sized cage, but there were five of them packed in there. There was no door. Four of them were asleep. One was staring at me.

"Wake up guys! Someone's come to get us!"

Holy fuck. Talking hamsters.

I looked straight into the doorless cage. "You guys hungry or thirsty?"

"We've been getting our own, but thanks for asking. Haven't had any Card Guard lately, though."

"You guys eat Card Guards?"

"Well, not exactly eat..."

"Never mind. Want to come along with Cheshire and me?" I suddenly remembered that cats might like the taste of hamster. I smacked my hand against my forehead.

The hamsters knew what I was thinking. "Don't worry!" said the one that was awake. "Cheshire's an old pal of ours. He knows better than to think of eating one of us. I don't think anything in Wonderland wants to eat one of us!"

I had no idea why these hamsters were special, but I was about to find out.

Cheshire burst into the room. "Alice, Card Guards coming down the roadway! Five of them!"

I grabbed the cage and knelt down to exit the door and run.

"Forget running, Alice!" said Cheshire. "With these guys we don't have to run!" Cheshire looked me straight in the eye and said in the most dramatic tone he could muster, "RELEASE THE HAMSTERS!"

"What?" I stammered.

Cheshire grabbed the cage and kicked the gnome house's front door open. "Do your thing, guys!" he whispered.

The one hamster that was awake poked all of his buddies and shouted, "Fresh meat, guys! Let's go!"

The hamsters leapt out of the cage and bounded down the road toward the startled Card Guards like a pack of starving wolves. I had never seen anything like it.

"HAMSTERS!" screamed a Card Guard. "RUN YOU FOOLS!"

The five hamsters bounding down the road quickly caught up with the Card Guards. Oh, it was a horrible sight. Card Guards screaming. Hamsters leaping. Card Guards knocked down. Hamsters flipping the Card Guards on their backs. Hamsters swan diving...

The hamsters dived into the Card Guards' assholes and squirmed their way up through the Card Guards' digestive systems. The Card Guards writhed on the ground and howled like the two idiot Card Guards who dropped into the slime in the creekbed. In a moment it was all over. Our five heroic hamsters crawled out of the Card Guards mouths and fluffed themselves like birds who had just had a refreshing bath.

"YEAH, BABY! THAT WAS GOOD GUARD!" shouted one hamster. The hamsters came bounding back and bounced back into the cage. One hung up a sign.

"DO NOT DISTURB"

"That never gets old," said Cheshire with his classic grin.

I looked at Cheshire. "That is the coolest thing I've seen since Gryphon ripped one of the Jabberwock's eyeballs out!" It truly was. Sure beat the hell out of Demon Dice.

End of Chapter 1

This story is based on the characters created by American McGee. EA (Electronic Arts) owns the copyrights. And your computer if you install any of their crap.

Chapter 2: Chapter 2  
Chapter 2: "The Two Queens"

"So how did the two Queens come back?" I asked Cheshire as we trudged along toward the village of Pandemonium where he said some gnomes were hiding out in the abandoned Yur Mine.

"Do you remember that the Queen of Hearts you fought was only a sock puppet controlled by the Red Queen?"

"Yes, I remember."

"The Queen of Hearts was supposed to be you. You were supposed to be the public face of the Red Queen's tyranny, but you were most uncooperative. Always the unruly child you were."

"I was supposed to be the Queen of Hearts?"

"Yup, you don't even remember what happened, do you?"

"Nope."

"I was there when it all happened. The Red Queen was about to ram a tentacle with all sorts of nasty-looking black threads up your back. The black threads were to fuse with your spine and go all the way to the brain. You took one look at those black threads and jumped off into the black void. You had no weapons of any kind. I remember what you said to the Red Queen."

"I don't. What was it?"

"You said 'I'd rather die.' You didn't die. Instead you came hurtling down the rabbit hole, screaming all the way. I'm sure you remember that I was there to greet you. I already knew that you would fight. You were never one to accept being bullied passively."

"So where did this new Queen of Hearts come from?"

"You never saw the actual Queen of Hearts the last time through. She was a card, remember? The Red Queen had all of the card royalty locked up in her dungeon. This new Queen of Hearts is the card. She commands all of the Heart Guards. The other three card suit royalty command Card Guards of their respective suits. They all pretty much defer to the Queen of Hearts and let her do what she wants. The King of Hearts is henpecked and is considered a possible future turncoat. A possible future ally. He is long known for pardoning all of the Queen of Hearts' arrests."

"Now for the Red Queen."

Cheshire rolled his eyes. "You're not going to like this."

"I'm sure I won't. Out with it."

"The White Chess Pieces were asleep on the job. They let a Red Pawn sneak past them."

"A Red Pawn queened?"

"That's it."

"Oh fer fuck's sake!"

"Calm down, Alice. Let's not go charging off to Pale Realm to slaughter White Chess pieces. They're your allies, remember?"

We arrived in Pandemonium. Cheshire led me into the abandoned Yur Mine and gave me an easy way to remember how we had come through the maze of abandoned tunnels.

"You always turn left to find the Gnomes."

Getting out was easy. Ignore the side routes and always go straight ahead. Cheshire had also drawn pictures of his grinning visage all along the exit route to assure me that I was going the correct way. I later discovered that he had left such hints of the correct way to go all throughout Wonderland. All I had to do was look for Cheshire graffiti and that was the way to go.

In a large room with a high ceiling, we found the Gnomes gathered at wooden tables. The males all had a metal lock box on their genitals. They could urinate, but sex was out of the question. The Gnome women all had metal fabric chastity belts latched onto them. They complained that the chastity belts hadn't been changed since they had been put on. Everybody, both sexes, stank and had rashes because of the metal lockboxes and chastity belts.

"Chastity and happiness do not dwell in the same house," said one especially miserable-looking gnome male.

I began to fantasize about ripping the two queens' clits off and nailing them to the entrance of Yur Mine.

"You know where the key is, Cheshire?"

"In the Card Guards' compound in Wonderland Woods. They've moved."

"This isn't going to be easy, is it?"

"There's at least two dozen Card Guards of all suits in the compound."

"Let's go back to Gnome Village and scrounge for weapons," I said. "The first priority is finding the Vorpal Blade. I feel naked without it."

End of Chapter 2

This story is based on the characters created by American McGee. EA (Electronic Arts) owns the copyrights.

Chapter 3: Chapter 3  
Chapter 3: "Let Us Now Praise Enormous Boobs"

Cheshire and I trudged back to Gnome Village with me carrying the hamster cage. Our five furry little heroes were fast asleep, the "DO NOT DISTURB" sign still displayed. Sleeping off their Card Guards, I guess.

"Should we put the hamsters back in the Gnome Elder's house, or take them with us and turn them loose in Wonderland Woods?" I asked Cheshire.

"Well, they were getting by in Gnome Village all on their own, and taking them to Wonderland Woods would probably be a permanent move for them. I think we'll just have to ask them. All things considered, I think they'd rather stay here. Gnome Village is home for them. There does seem to be enough food for them. All they need are seeds. Plenty of those here in Gnome Village."

"Where should we start looking for the Vorpal Blade?"

"A systematic search would probably be best. Let's start with the first house on the road approaching from the Rabbit Hole and go house-by-house. I'll take one side of the street, and you take the other."

I suspected that Cheshire would be a lot quicker in inspecting the little Gnome houses than me as he did not have to crawl on hands and knees like me. I put the hamster cage right in front of the little front door stoop of a house on the right and entered. Cheshire had already darted in and out of three houses on the left side of the road.

I crawled into the house and looked for the kitchen. Quaint. Everything was quaint. The inside was totally lacking in any modern gas appliances. The lights were simple candles down inside clear glass jars. The stove was was an old-fashioned wood-burning type. It looked to be cast iron. There was a pipe to channel the smoke outside. A few simple pots and pans hung on hooks. There was a drawer full of eating utensils and a few knives. That was it. No vorpal blade. Stored food consisted entirely of glass jars with vacuum-sealed lids. I exited the house and picked up the hamster cage. I did not need to enter a second Gnome house.

"I found it!" exclaimed an excited Cheshire. "Follow me!"

Cheshire led me into the seventh house on his side of the road. There in the kitchen my precious Vorpal Blade was being used as a chef's knife to dice up some long-spoiled bacon strips. There was nasty spoilt bacon grease all over my precious Blade. I looked around the kitchen for some dish towels and found some in a drawer under the counter. I wiped my Blade with the dish towel and tossed the towel onto the floor. I wet my knife in the sink and slid a bar of soap over both sides of the blade. A little rubbing, a little rinsing, another wipe with a clean dish towel from the drawer, and I was done. I tossed the second towel on the floor, and Cheshire chided me for being a slob.

I looked around the house for the hip holster for my vorpal blade and found it hanging on a hook in a closet. Cheshire grinned when he saw the holster. I wrapped it around my hip, hooked on the second-to-outermost hole which had been my usual place, and saw the holster slide straight down to my feet.

"Holy crap, Alice. I knew you'd gotten skinnier, but not like this." Cheshire stared in amazement at the holster on the floor.

I put the holster back around my waist and pulled the belt all the way to hook it on the innermost hole, and watched it slide down my hips again.

"Put the holster back on at your old, usual hole and hold it up."

I did, and Cheshire put a paw into the gap and pulled the belt out. He looked horrified at all the empty space. "Before we do anything else, we are going over to the Gnome Bar and look for something to eat. You are going to eat before we go fight any battles. I don't want you fainting from hunger."

Cheshire took the belt from me and grinned. Out came his claws and he methodically punched seven additional holes in the belt of the Vorpal Blade holster. He handed it to me and I strapped it on. I had once used the second-to-the-last hole on the belt. Now I needed the eleventh-to-the-last hole on the belt. The holes were all one inch apart.

Cheshire led me over to the Gnome Bar and disappeared into the chicken coop behind. "Sorry, ladies," I heard him say. "We need the eggs." Cheshire came out with a basket filled with about a dozen eggs hanging from his mouth.

"Wipe them down with a rag, first, Alice? I don't want to eat the shit on the outsides of the eggs."

I wiped down the eggs, gathered some firewood, and started a fire in the old cast-iron stove. Cheshire went off to forage for other weapons while I cooked. Cheshire returned looking triumphant just as I was dishing the eggs into two primitive tin plates.

"I found something that you might be able to use as a weapon, but first we eat."

Cheshire chomped his way through a half-dozen eggs as if he were starving, although I knew he wasn't starving any more than usual. It was just that eggs were something of a delicacy for him as he couldn't cook for himself. When I finished, Cheshire plunged back into the chicken coop and soon emerged with another dozen eggs.

"I'll eat a few this time, but you are going to eat the rest. There's also some goat jerky underneath the counter. I expect you to eat until you're so stuffed you can barely move."

"Do I look that bad?"

"You don't look nearly as good as you used to."

Cheshire finished off three of the eggs and burped. Nine eggs was a feast for him. He pointed out the goat jerky that he expected me to finish off after I had finished my eggs. Cheshire was insistent about wanting me to eat until I could barely move. I had to reposition my Blade holster to the ninth-to-the-last hole on the belt. Cheshire was constantly hounding me to eat, and I don't think I ever fastened the Vorpal Blade holster tighter than that ninth hole again.

After eating, it dawned on me that the chickens themselves might not have eaten for awhile. I went into the chicken coop and was surprised to discover that everything looked in order. The chickens were content. Somebody was feeding them. I went back out and questioned Cheshire.

"Somebody's looking after the chickens, Cheshire. Any idea who?"

"Some gnomes sneak back into the village at night to take care of their animals and gather food for the crowd back in the mine. The Card Guards don't patrol at night."

"Thank Heaven for small favors."

After I finished washing and putting away the pan, utensils, plates, and forks, Cheshire led me down the road to his discovery of a possible weapon. Behind the Mushroom Shop nestled up against the rock wall was a small patch of distinctive-looking orange-colored mushrooms. "Notice that each mushroom stalk has what appear to be two heads: one darker orange, and one lighter orange." Cheshire had me pick one of the two-headed stalks. "I could explain what the mushrooms do, but it might be better to demonstrate. Before you eat half of the darker mushroom head, however, you need to take off your dress and your bra."

I gave Cheshire the nastiest stinkeye I could manage.

"Don't be bashful, you haven't got anything worth seeing, anyway!"

Oh, thanks, Cheshire. Rub it in. I'm a skinny, shapeless stick with a long, narrow face that looks like something in a funhouse mirror. I looked at Cheshire again.

"Are you serious?"

"I don't want you to rip your clothes."

"These won't make me fat or something will they?"

"If they did that, I would have you take off those granny panties, too. One-half of the dark orange mushroom head. No more. Down the hatch."

I hesitated. "I don't know what this will do to me."

"The lighter-colored orange mushroom head undoes what the darker one does. There's no risk. This will make a useful weapon. It will be like having several croquet mallets at once. Down the hatch."

I looked at the mushroom for a few moments and then bit off half of the dark-orange head. It had a pleasant meat broth taste. I chewed for a few moments, hesitated again as I looked at Cheshire, and swallowed.

I felt a bit light-headed and then felt a sudden, heavy pull on my chest. I looked down and both saw and felt that my breasts, my perfectly flat breasts, were filling up and outwards with a heavy, thick liquid. They both dropped down farther and farther on my chest and grew straight outwards until they reached nearly my waist and seemed to float nearly two feet out in front of me. Both nipples turned upward. I had to lean backward to avoid toppling over. My breasts slowly and rythmically wobbled from side to side. If they had been on some other woman, I might have thought that they were the most perfect, sensuous, and sexy looking breasts I had ever seen. I am absolutely certain that I would have been jealous. They were on my chest, however, and the pull was staggering. I could barely stand up. Still part of me was tickled. If there was one thing that attracted men in England, it was big, prominent, perky breasts. These were huge, and yet somehow did not droop.

"Wobble them from side-to-side, Alice, and imagine whopping a card guard with them. Now imagine them twice as big. Twice as big, but still not drooping to the ground, is what you would get if you had swallowed a whole mushroom. Your breasts would hit a Card Guard like a pair of boulders. If you twirled like an ice skater, you could clean an entire compound out of Card Guards before they knew what hit them."

I tried jerking my shoulders and my breasts swung in that direction. They would have knocked over anything in their path.

"Are there any mirrors anywhere?"

"Most Gnome houses have a full-length mirror inside the master bedroom door."

I crawled inside a Gnome house with my breasts squashed against the ground, and crawled inside a bedroom and closed the door to look in the mirror. My breasts were the most magnificent pair I had ever seen, but my shoulders and back ached. I crawled back out and tried walking back and forth. My breasts wobbled constantly. It didn't take me long to conclude that breasts of this size were not a blessing at all to be envied, but rather a curse that interfered sharply with physical mobility. Maybe in the world above, if I were a free woman in London, I thought that they might be worth the trouble, but down here in a war zone? No way. I looked in my hand and bit off half on the lighter-colored mushroom. Both of my breasts deflated like punctured water balloons. In a moment, I had my perfectly flat chest back. I was relieved.

"Now you know why I consider them a weapon only."

"Yes, indeed. The mushrooms could be very useful if I got surrounded by Card Guards. I sure wouldn't want to use them in any other situation, however."

Cheshire handed me a small metal box containing four of the double-headed stalks. "They only last a couple of days after they're picked," said Cheshire. "Four of the mushrooms should be quite sufficient. I doubt if you'll have to use them more than once.

I went back to pick up the hamster cage. They were all awake. "You guys want to go with us to Wonderland Woods? We could drop you off in the Woods before we leave. Or you could just stay here in the Gnome Village and hope for the best."

The hamsters chattered among themselves for a bit and stated that they prefered to stay in Gnome Village. They knew their way around here and knew where to find food and water. That was enough for them. I carried them back to their original place in the Gnome Elder's little house. Cheshire and I said our good-byes to our furry little friends, and then we started off on the long walk to Wonderland Wooods and the Card Guard compound that had the key to the Gnome lockboxes and chastity belts.

End of Chapter 3

This story is based on the characters created by American Mcgee. EA (Electronic Arts) owns the copyrights.

Chapter 4: Chapter 4  
Chapter 4: "Pinafores and Jackbombs"

"Before we leave Gnome Village, Alice, let's have a look inside the seamstress' house. She may have some of your old dresses still lying around. If we're really lucky, maybe one of your old dresses may have one or two of your old weapons still in the sealed pockets."

I trudged along behind Cheshire, and in a minute, we were there. I got down on hands and knees and crawled in the front door. I don't think that any of the Gnome Houses had locks on the front doors. Bathrooms and bedrooms usually did have a latch, though. Inside the seamstress' work room, I saw three of my old dresses hanging on a single hook. I rapidly ran through the pockets and found two of my old weapons: my jackbomb and my jacks. No eyestaff. That was a disappointment, but not a surprise. I suspected the Gnomes had it somewhere in Wonderland for self-defense. Cheshire suggested that I trade my current blouse and skirt for one of my old dark blue pinafores.

I looked at my old pinafores and felt a chill of recognition. The old uniform of the Warrior Princess of Wonderland, as I was seen. I felt that I could never measure up to my old reputation. When I put on one of the pinafore dresses, I also realized that I did not even come close to measuring up to my old measurements. The pinafore was so large on me that I seemed to be swimming in it. I pulled on all the old material in shock at all the extra space.

"Cheshire, was I fat?"

Cheshire rolled over on his back laughing. "No! You weren't fat! You just weren't the pitifully scrawny stick that I now see before me. You had muscles on your arms and legs. You had a very cute babyface. You had a high, prominent bust, full rounded hips, and a plump backside. You had some heft in the thighs, too. You looked healthy and fit.

"You're being nice, aren't you?"

"Okay, you did round out a bit during your time here. You looked lovely, though. I miss the old babyface."

I pulled on all the extra material in the dress. "You want me to wear this dress so that I can expand without splitting my clothes, don't you?"

"You read me like a book. I want the old Alice back. You were quite a beauty. This skinny stick look does not suit you at all."

"You're going to nag me to eat until I fill all the empty space in this dress, aren't you?"

"Yup."

"Has anyone ever told you that you look pretty scrawny yourself?"

"Yup, you. I'm scrawny because my only food source in Wonderland is the snarks. I'm a carnivore. Wonderland is not kindly to carnivores. I haven't been able to bring myself to start raiding the chicken coops. The Gnomes depend on the chickens for eggs. The chickens are too valuable to eat."

I pulled on the dress again. Cheshire rolled his eyes at me.

"I was fat."

"No, you weren't."

"Yes, I was. Look at how big the waist is in this dress."

Cheshire turned and sauntered out the door with the obvious expectation for me to follow. I patted the jackbomb, jacks, and boob shrooms in my sealed pinafore pockets to make sure they were there. I strapped on my Blade holster with the Vorpal Blade in it and crawled out the front door. I felt ridiculous in such an oversized dress.

I ran to catch up with Cheshire who was leading me to a tunnel that he said led to Wonderland Woods.

"This tunnel sure beats your old route," said Cheshire. "I do believe that the Gnome Elder took you to the Skool to get shrinking potion. You went to the Skool Observatory to drink the potion and jump through a portal to the Vale of Tears. You rode a leaf on a stream through most of the Vale of Tears, fought the Duchess, dived into a cistern and breathed ass bubbles from the Mock Turtle while you swam through an underwater temple, and finally popped up in a frog pond in Wonderland Woods. Then the Mock Turtle made you an honorary reptile so you could breathe longer underwater. After the long swim underwater. Rumor has it that you would have killed him if he hadn't fled the scene so quickly."

"I not only would have killed him, I would have eaten him. I nearly drowned in that underwater temple while he twisted and turned all over the place. If I ever see him again, he's soup!"

Cheshire walked me up to what appeared to wooden paneling in the rock wall surrounding Gnome Village and Pandemonium. He stuck his claws into a slit that was impossible to see unless you were standing right next to it just inches away. He pulled and double doors swung open. I never knew it was there.

"Behold our pathway to Wonderland Woods."

It was a mining tunnel that was pitch black. "I'm going to go back to the seamstress' house for a hurricane lamp," I said. "Be right back."

The Gnome Seamstress had plenty of portable metal and glass enclosures for candles in her house. I took one, placed a short, fat candle inside, and lit it. I wondered how much light it would emit in a pitch black tunnel. I hurried back to Cheshire and held the lamp inside the tunnel. Tens of thousands of identical insects - ant lions? - covered the floor, walls, and ceiling of the tunnel.

"Fuck me this looks like something out of horror novel!" exclaimed Cheshire. "You mind if I ride on your shoulder?"

"Cheshire! You big pussy!" I scolded. "I've never known you to be afraid of anything!"

"I'm not afraid," Cheshire grimly observed. "I'm disgusted - like a human woman would be if she had to stick her bare hand into a toilet to unclog it."

"Apt analogy," I said. "I have an idea."

I started to remove the jackbomb from my right pocket, but Cheshire stopped me.

"Think Alice! You throw a jackbomb in there and you'll damage the wooden supports that hold the ceiling up. You could cause a cave-in."

Cheshire was right. I thought for a few moments. "The ice wand sure would be handy right now if I had it."

Cheshire was unable to think of anything. Finally he spoke.

"Alice, I do believe that we are going to have to brave the bugs."

I held the lamp inside the tunnel and noticed that the bugs fled before the light. I picked up Cheshire, plopped him on my shoulder, and walked slowly into the tunnel giving the bugs time to retreat before the advancing light.

End of Chapter 4

This story is based on the characters created by American McGee. EA (Electronic Arts) owns the copyrights.

Chapter 5: Chapter 5  
Chapter 5: "The Reverend Returns"

Nurse Dot woke me knocking on my door.

"Alice, you had a visitor yesterday who wanted to see you, but the administrators thought you looked to bad to be seen. A famous children's author. He paid for you to get the better meal plan. Poor fellow actually thinks you'll get meat, fish, and vegetables. He's paying for that, but what you get is this: three bowls of rice, beans, and some pieces of bacon. It's not great, but it's an improvement over those three bowls of porridge you were getting. You'll be taking breakfast, lunch, and dinner in the small dining hall at the far end of the corridor behind the double doors. I'll also be bringing you two bowls of rice and beans to your room an hour before bedtime. I'm instructed to stand over you to make sure you eat it all before you go to sleep."

"The administrators think I look like I'm starving, do they?"

"I think that's it. They're embarrassed to have your visitor see you looking like this. Your visitor also left you a box full of treats and two pinafore dresses."

Nurse Dot plopped the box in front of me. I noticed that it had been opened.

"I watched the administrators root through the box. They did not remove anything. Not with me standing there." Nurse Dot grinned at me. She was unfailingly honest - unlike the administrators who pilfered funds that were supposed to be used for taking care of the patients.

There were all sorts of expensive treats in the box such as chocolate and biscuits, and two pinafore dresses at the bottom.

"Is there any chance that you could get me a lock on my door and a key? This stuff will get stolen before sundown if I leave it in my unlocked room."

"Look on your door, dearie," said Nurse Dot. "I can't protect you from theft by the staff, but I replaced that old broken lock with a new one and took one of the keys for you. I know about that incident with the orderly. The administrators have the other key. That means those two idiot orderlies will still be able to get into your room whenever they like. Other patients, however, will be locked out. The lock is a good one. You can't pick it with a needle. You can use this as a keychain."

Nurse Dot handed me a small metal keychain that had room for maybe three keys. I looked at the new lock installed into the door. Not a padlock on the outside. I realized that I might actually be able to keep stuff in my room and not have it stolen within a day.

"Go ahead and try on one of the new dresses."

Nurse Dot had seen me dress many times before, and I changed my lingerie in front of her and put on one of the new pinafore dresses. A chill of recognition swept over me. It was the same dress I remembered putting on in my dream of the Gnome Seamstress' house. The dress was exactly the same. I could even seal the pockets. I was swimming in it.

"It's way too big," I said.

Nurse Dot smiled. "It's supposed to fit in three months. I saw your medical records. Your new diet of five bowls of rice and beans per day and all of those treats that you will be getting in those boxes every week are supposed to make you fill that dress in three months. The administrators are nervous about your exposed ribs and that caved-in stomach just below your ribs. They want to make you presentable."

"I'd be presentable if they spent the food budget on food for the patients."

"I agree, but what's done is done. Your friend arrived just in time. I was beginning to think that you'd be the next patient here to starve to death."

"So now they want to stuff me like a goose."

"That seems to be the plan. My orders are to put at least three stone on you in the next three months. You may not like that, but the reward is that your friend wants to take you out of here. The administrators won't let you leave until you look like a well-fed child of the upper middle class. They're terrified of that friend of yours. They've seen how large the two pinafore dresses are. Your friend just assumed that those two dresses would be about the right size for you."

"I was chubby as a small child. He probably thought I was still chubby."

"You're actually wearing the smaller dress. The other dress is a size larger. The smaller dress was made in the United States and is an American size 12. That's a British size 14. The larger dress is a British size 16."

"The administrators want to turn a walking skeleton into a fat girl in three months?" I was being sarcastic. I knew very well that three stone wouldn't be enough to make a walking cadaver like me fat.

"You wouldn't be fat, you'd just be a lot bigger than you are now. To a young woman as painfully thin as yourself, normal looks huge. I'm a size 16 myself. I'm very typical for middle-aged women. What would you want for yourself if you could choose?"

"If I could choose? That's easy. I want my bones covered up. Every morning when I get dressed I see my own body. I see my bony arms and legs. I see my rib cage. I see my hipbones sticking out looking like they are begging to break. I'm thankful not to have a mirror in the room. To see my bony, narrow, long face would kill me. I used to have such a pretty face. I had plump, full, rosy cheeks. All my facial features were soft and rounded. I was cute. Now I look like I'm only fifteen missed meals away from a coffin. I want my entire body soft, rounded, and smooth. No sharp edges. No hollowed-out spots. You want me to eat? I'll give you no trouble at all. I'll eat anything and everything you shove in front of me."

"You almost sound as if you want to be stuffed like a goose."

"I do. I want my bones covered up. I want to look like a child of the upper-middle class again. I want to be pretty again. Damn it! I want boobs!"

"We'll try to fill you out enough to satisfy the administrators without turning you into a plump matron like me."

"I'd be okay with getting plump if it meant having breasts." I looked down at my completely flat chest. Nurse Dot burst out laughing.

"Be careful what you wish for, dearie, you may get it!"

"I won't give you any trouble about eating. I just hope I don't throw anything up."

I sat down on the edge of the bed and finished off my first bowl of rice and beans for the day. The bacon gave the dish some flavor and made it a bit salty. It dawned on me that the bowl of rice and beans was a lot more food than the bowls of porridge. I actually felt a bit stuffed after finishing it. It was edible. The saltiness of the pieces of bacon made it almost tasty. Two bowls of this stuff before bedtime? I doubted that I'd be able to finish that much. I panted a moment and rubbed my stomach. I turned to Nurse Dot.

"Bring me another bowl of rice and beans and I'll finish it, too."

Nurse Dot looked astonished at me. "Are you serious?"

"Bring me another bowl and I'll eat it."

Nurse Dot complied and brought me another bowl. I wanted to see if I could stuff in two bowls in one sitting. It took some time, but I could.

"I didn't think you'd be so eager," she said. After that Nurse Dot often sneaked an extra bowl of rice and beans into my room after I had had a meal in the dining hall.

After eating, I prepared myself for my morning workshift in Rutledge's vegetable gardens full of delights that the patients never ever saw in their meals. Weeding and picking bugs off the plants was drudgery, but I was happy to be outside in the sun. Nurse Dot and I left my room together. I turned the key in my new door lock and headed down the stairs toward the garden.

End of Chapter 05

This story is based on the characters created by American McGee. EA (Electronic Arts) owns the copyrights.

Chapter 6: Chapter 6  
Chapter 6: "Attack of the Fifty-Pound Boobs"

Hazy, gauzy lights. Shimmering blobs of color. A single lit candle in front of me. I blinked. I was back in Wonderland. The tunnel. Cheshire moaned and howled on my shoulder. First time I ever saw him behave like an actual cat. I took two steps forward in the tunnel and waited. The bugs on the floor, walls, and ceiling retreated. I took another two steps. The bugs retreated again. Two steps by two steps I slowly made my way through the tunnel. Cheshire called my attention to two dark holes in the walls to the immediate left and right of us as we advanced through.

"Those are ventilation shafts, Alice. Hear that 'wump, wump, wump'? That's waterwheel-powered fans running continuously. They blow fresh air into this tunnel continuously. If it weren't for those fans, there might be methane buildup in this tunnel. You can't smell methane. Even I can't smell it. You don't know it's there until it explodes into a giant fireball because somebody has a candle or lit a match."

It dawned on me that I could have blown myself up when I put the candle inside the tunnel. I guess Cheshire never would have let me do that if it were dangerous. I'm dumber than a cat. What a horrible realization.

It took nearly an hour to slowly make our way through the tunnel. The candle actually burned down below the half-way point, and I started to nervously wonder if it would last until we exited. I heaved a great sigh of relief when I saw the end of the tunnel opening into Wonderland Woods.

Cheshire and I walked out perhaps fifteen feet, and I turned around to view our exit from the tunnel. In Wonderland Woods, it looked almost like a cave entrance. The wooden supports of the shaft were covered by vegetation.

"Cat, do you know where the Card Guard compound is in these woods?"

"But of course. I wouldn't have led you here if I hadn't known exactly where it is. You'll have to follow me closely, though. These woods don't have much in the way of landmarks. It is very easy to wind around in circles here and end up at your starting point. That mining shaft entrance is a very important landmark. It points directly toward a frog pond with a waterfall about a mile up ahead. That's our second landmark. There's a log in the frog pond that has its roots up in the air. The roots point to the Card Guard compound three miles away."

"So we have four miles to walk."

"Very good, Alice. You were listening to me."

"Anything to eat around here?"

"There's fallen nuts on the ground everywhere, but we don't have anything to crack them with. At the frog pond, there's some blackberry briars for you and maybe, if I'm lucky, a frog for me. Raw, of course."

Wonderland Woods looked very different from the last time I was there. There were no enemies to greet me coming out of the tunnel. There were no enemies in sight at all. The only creatures I saw were butterflies which were absolutely everywhere. There were so many butterflies that there always a few lit on my clothes. Cheshire ignored the butterflies that lit on him. I noticed that the butterflies seemed to have a liking for his ears. There always seemed to be one lit on at least one of his ears. I had a problem with butterflies lighting on my nose. I guess I was so skinny that my nose looked like a perch to them.

"Cheshire, are there any enemies in these woods besides the Card Guards?"

"None that I know of. Wonderland Woods is perilous if you're shrunken, but if you're full-sized, these woods are remarkably devoid of dangers. We do need to keep an eye out for Card Guard patrols, but they rarely stray far from their compound. We're still too far away to need to worry about them much."

Cheshire and I trudged silently for the next twenty minutes or so. When we reached the frog pond, I noted where the roots of the fallen log in the pond pointed and headed straight for the blackberry briars. No bugs on the bushes. None at all. I was amazed. It was tricky getting the berries without getting scratched. I spent the next few hours gorging on the berries until I was barely able to move. I walked back to the pond in time to see Cheshire ripping into a frog. He looked up at me, said nothing, and continued ripping flesh from the frog. I did not flinch at the sight. Cats are predators. Even house cats. Cheshire, of course, had long been pure feral.

"Finally got one, huh? Or is that your second?"

Cheshire finished off the frog. "It was my third. I usually do not have such luck hunting. I was getting hungry enough to eat Card Guard. They taste like a cross between cotton cloth and paper. Yuck!"

"Have you ever killed a Card Guard strictly for food?"

Cheshire looked at me, furrowed his brow, and grinned. "Yes, I have. That's why Card Guards treat me with respect. I can slash a Card Guard's guts open with my claws just as easily as you can chop one in half with your Vorpal Blade. I do recommend that you maintain your distance if possible, however. Card Guards are blithering idiots, but they can be deadly at close range. Large numbers of them are dangerous, too. We really need to find the Jabberwock Eyestaff. Right now, your only effective weapon against more than six Card Guards is the boob shrooms. Those are not something you want to depend on. I also don't know what effects repeated uses of those mushrooms can cause."

"They might actually give me boobs permanently?"

"I said I don't know. Who knows what side effects such weird drugs could cause. Those boob shrooms ARE a drug. Use them only when the alternative is dying."

"I'd settle for a pair of C-cups."

"Funny, I'd always thought you had a fetish for large breasts."

"It's men who have the fetish. We women have to live with it. If men weren't obsessed with breasts, we women would prefer cute little perky B-cups that don't get in the way and don't sag later in life. Any woman with F-cups is going to have her knockers hanging down past her waist late in life. Big boobs always turn into granny boobs eventually."

Neither one of us worried about our voices carrying because the waterfall drowned us out. Cheshire began to sing, and I alternated.

"Do your boobs hang low?"

"Do they wobble to and fro?"

"Can you tie them in a knot?"

"Can you tie them in a bow?"

"Can you throw them o'er your shoulders?"

"Are they big as fuckin' boulders?"

"Do your boobs hang low?"

Cheshire and I sang chorus on that last line of verse one. I started off the second verse, and Cheshire and I alternated lines again.

"Do your boobs sit high?"

"Do they point up to the sky?"

"Do they pimple when they're cold?

"Do they schwing each and every guy?"

"Do you wobble them in the mirror?"

"Do guys want to see them nearer?"

"Do your boobs sit high?"

Cheshire and I also sang chorus on that last line of verse two. We stopped singing at that point and prepared to leave. We had three miles to walk to the Card Guard compounds. Straight as the roots point. We agreed to maintain strict silence from that point on, and made an effort to watch where we stepped so as to avoid making any unnecessary sounds such a stepping on a dead twig. It was a long walk. Cheshire led the way.

Was it just one hour? Two? It felt like an entire day that we walked toward the Card Guard compound in featureless, wooded terrain with clumps of underbrush located everywhere. There was enough open space to walk unencumbered, but no more. Cheshire's ears and tail suddenly went up, and I knew to be on guard.

Far ahead between the trees was the Card Guard compound. I crouched down and began to crawl behind Cheshire. We advanced very slowly. We were able to see six Card Guards milling around outside the compound. We had no idea how many were inside. Cheshire motioned for me to move straight ahead, and indicated with motions of his paw that he was going to circle around to the back. He pointed to my pockets and motioned for me to take out a boob shroom and hold it in my left hand. I needed to keep my right hand free for my blade in case a Card Guard saw me. I considered the possibility of tossing a jackbomb inside the compound to rid ourselves of all the Card Guards inside in a single instant.

I hid behind some underbrush and waited for Cheshire to return from his reconnaissance. About fifteen very long minutes later Cheshire returned and air-drew the message "six more behind several inside." There were at least fifteen Card Guards. There was no possibility of taking them down one-by-one. Attacking them in the three groups that they were in was inadvisable as well. I came up with my own plan. We had to get them all in one space. To do that we needed a lure. Me.

I placed a full boob shroom in my mouth, but did not chew or swallow it. I brazenly walked up to the Card Guard compound and stood with my back to a tree as the Card Guards outside in view called to their buddies. In a few seconds I had around eighteen Card Guards approaching me. I took off my blouse and draped it on a nearby tree branch. I stripped off my bra and also draped it on the tree branch. The Card Guards came within maybe three to five feet and began laughing.

"Is she offering us a bribe?"

"Poor, deluded bitch thinks she's sexy!"

"No tits! No ass! No hips! I need a better offer!"

"Bitch, do you ever eat?"

"If she had any meat on her, she'd make a delectable dish!"

I really did not want to use that boob shroom. I really didn't. I was dreading the damn thing. I moved the shroom over toward my teeth and began chewing it like gum. That meat broth flavor again. Quite pleasant actually. I breathed deeply. I did not want to swallow it. I braced my back firmly against the tree and winced. I swallowed hard.

I felt light-headed and dizzy to the point of passing out. I felt a sudden yank on my chest as if someone had just attached two cannon balls to my breasts with very short chains and then dropped the cannon balls. I looked down and saw that my breasts were rapidly filling with a thick, heavy liquid. They slid farther and farther down my chest and grew continuously straight outward projecting more and more. My breasts reached my waist and seemed to float two feet out in front of me. The Card Guards stared open-mouthed and some dropped their weapons. None of them said anything. The ones in front of me stepped back a foot. The volume of the undersides of my breasts was massive and continued growing. The pull on my shoulders was staggering. My breasts continued to slide downwards and grow outwards even farther. They reached my knees and stopped. They waved and sloshed back and forth perhaps four feet in front of me. I struggled to catch my breath.

The Card Guards had all dropped their weapons by now. They were all staring with their mouths wide open. Speechless. I suddenly jerked my shoulders to the left and my breasts obligingly swung with me. I started to twirl to the left and smacked the first Card Guard to my left with one breast. He went flying backwards over the underbrush perhaps fifteen feet. I continued to twirl and caught another Card Guard in the side. He flew backwards about fifteen feet as well. One of my breasts dipped under the other, and I caught the third Card Guard with both breasts. He went soaring over the tree tops and didn't make a sound as he flew. From this point onward I caught every Card Guard with both breasts and sent him flying over the treetops. It took me perhaps seven full seconds to send every Card Guard flying. Only the last few had started to grab for their weapons, but none of them had time to poke me or fire.

The Card Guards gone, a new dilemma stared me in the face. My breasts completely covered my pockets and I couldn't lift them out of the way. I lay on the ground stretching out my breasts in front of me, opened my right pocket, and fished for my little metal shroom box. I opened it and found a light-orange mushroom. An inspiration hit me, and I tore off a small piece which was about fifteen percent of the mushroom and put it back in the metal box. I put the metal box back in my pocket and sealed it. I chewed the remaining part of the mushroom and swallowed. My breasts deflated, but not completely. My breasts now hung down on my chest a bit below my elbows and a bit above my waist. They floated perhaps eight inches in front of me. The pull on shoulders felt slight. These were manageable.

I checked inside the compound for more Card Guards with my jacks and jackbomb ready, but there was no one inside. All clear. Cheshire showed up and immediately asked why I hadn't taken the whole mushroom.

"An experiment, Cat. I wanted to find out what a reasonable-sized pair feel like."

"You call that a reasonable size? Those things are huge."

"This is what human men like. Breasts like these would be their wildest fantasy. They're manageable. Only a little pull on my shoulders."

I was still naked from the waist up. I reached my hands up into the air and clasped them behind my head. I shifted my shoulders back and forth to make my breasts wobble. They had a very nice sway. I cupped them from underneath and let them drop a few times. Perfect bounce.

"If I had any meat on the rest of my body, I'd be tempted to keep these. In a war zone, however, breasts like these would be a nuisance. At the very least, they would interfere with me using my Vorpal Blade. I suppose it would hurt considerably if I accidentally lopped off my right boob."

I opened my right pocket again and fished out the little metal shroom box. I pulled out the tiny piece of light-orange mushroom I had cut off.

"Bye-bye boobies. Parting is such sweet sorrow!"

I chewed and swallowed the little piece and was back to normal. I went back to the tree branch and pulled down my bra and strapped it back on.

"Back to flat!" I said to Cheshire. I put my blouse back on and followed Cheshire out into the woods to see if any of the Card Guards were still alive. Only the first two I hit - the ones I hit with only one breast - were still alive. I dispatched them with my Vorpal Blade. Cheshire and I headed back to the Card Guard compound.

"Look at all this food!" Cheshire exclaimed with his eyes bugging out. These Card Guards were well-provisioned, unlike the Card Guards of my previous trip through Wonderland. This Red Queen was obviously smarter than the last one. She knew to treat her soldiers well.

Cheshire and I took stock of all the food available in the compound, and concluded that it would take us three days of nonstop gorging to finish all of it. Meats, cheeses, eggs, bread, crackers, wine, nuts, berries, etc. It was quite a store.

"Let's not forget what we came here for," said Cheshire. "The key to the Gnomes' lockboxes and chastity belts should be in here somewhere."

In one unlocked drawer, we found a single key-chain with three keys on it. There were no other keys in the place. There were no locks on any of the doors in the compound, so we figured that two of the keys had uses we didn't know about yet. One of the keys had to be for the Gnomes. We decided to finish off the food before we headed back to the tunnel in Yur Mine in Pandemonium where the Gnomes were holed up.

The next few days were a haze of drunken gluttony. Cheshire stood guard over me when I slept. When the food was finally all finished, I remember lying on the floor of the compound rubbing my distended stomach. Cheshire was passed out on the floor with his paws up in the air and his tail trailing. His fur had actually started to grow back a bit. Must have been all those eggs that I had scrambled for him.

When Cheshire woke up, I looked over at him at him and grinned.

"Nice little binge we had, hmmm...? I'll probably gain ten pounds from this, if I haven't already."

"It'll take a lot more than that to make you look presentable again."

Cheshire and I started back for the frog pond and then the exit tunnel back to Gnome Village. Both of us burped and farted the entire way.

End of Chapter 6

This story is based on the characters created by American McGee. EA (Electronic Arts) owns the copyrights.

Chapter 7: Chapter 7  
Chapter 7: "I Feel the Earth Move"

"Alice," said Cheshire, "where's your hurricane lamp?"

Damn. I had forgotten it. We had been walking ten minutes toward the frog pond when Cheshire noticed that I didn't have it. Passing through the mining tunnel would be impossible without it. I also needed to replace the candle in the hurricane lamp, scrounge up at least two extra candles, and find a box of matches. I hadn't carried anything extra with Cheshire and myself on the first passage through the tunnel. Incredibly stupid. If the candle had blown out, we would have had to feel our way out through all the bugs.

We turned around and headed back to the Card Guard compound. There were plenty of supplies there. I replaced the candle in the hurricane lamp, grabbed six extra candles and two boxes of safety matches, and then wandered around looking to see if there were any other supplies that might be useful. I grabbed a pad of paper and a few pencils. There was nothing else that seemed worth the weight of carrying. We turned around and headed back toward the frog pond. I could tell that Cheshire was irritated with me. Good thing he noticed so soon that I had left my hurricane lamp behind. Going back four miles from the entrance of the mining shaft would have been a real pain.

"Alice..."

"Yes, Cheshire?"

"You're still a scatterbrain."

"You actually expected that I'd be smarter this time around?"

"I was hoping you would be."

"Sorry to disappoint you."

We trudged on to the frog pond in silence. Cheshire was out in front keeping his eyes and ears alert for the possibility - however remote - of Card Guards in the vicinity. There seemed to be no other enemies in the area. I was thankful that there were no boojums around. I absolutely hated those things. When we got to the frog pond, I suddenly realized that we had no landmark pointing directly at the mining shaft entrance. Cheshire looked at the submerged end of the fallen log, made a calculation in his head, and decided on the correct path.

"This way, Alice," said Cheshire.

"How do you know, Cat?"

"The path back to the mining tunnel entrance is at an angle from the fallen log. I'm also familiar with this area. You're lucky I'm here."

"Cat, I've always felt myself lucky to have you around."

"Nice to hear it. I've always thought you regarded me as annoying."

"Only occasionally. I can't begin to count the number of times I would have died without your help."

"Or simply woken up back in the Asylum? Have you ever figured out which is the real world and which is the dreamworld, yet?"

"Most of the time, I think Wonderland is the dreamworld. If I've ever died here, I don't remember it. There are, however, incidents that happen in Wonderland that foreshadow events in the Asylum. Those foreshadowings sometimes make me think that Wonderland might be the world that is real and that Rutledge is actually the dreamworld."

"Very profound. If Wonderland is the dreamworld, then what am I?

"You're my common sense keeping me from getting killed. Or maybe you're my imagined rendering of someone I know in the Asylum world. Perhaps the Professor Dodgson?"

"You're scary sometimes, Alice."

Cheshire led the way to the mining shaft entrance, and, after perhaps twenty minutes of swift stepping we were there.

"Up, Cat," I said, pointing to my shoulder.

Cheshire circled around behind me and made a perfect leap on to my shoulder. He situated himself while I busied myself lighting the hurricane lamp. I put the matchbox back in my sealable dress pocket. I was thankful that they were safety matches that only ignited against the strip on the box. Having matches ignite inside a pocket is a nasty event.

"Are we ready to enter, Cheshire?"

"I think we're ready."

Traveling through the tunnel was the same as before. Take two steps and wait for the bugs to retreat. Do it again and again and again. Tedious as a first form English class. When we exited the tunnel, there was a surprise waiting for us - an unpleasant one.

When I threw open the double doors, a group of about eight Card Guards down the road saw us and immediately headed toward us.

"FUCK!" I screeched.

"Boobs or bugs, Alice? Decide now!" blurted out Cheshire.

"Bugs!" I shouted as I turned tail to the Card Guards. I was still holding the hurricane lamp in my right hand. Cheshire made a flying leap onto my shoulder and we fled into the tunnel not waiting for the bugs to retreat before the light. I yanked open my right pocket with my left hand, snatched my jacks, and dropped them to block the tunnel temporarily. Bugs crunched beneath my feet. Behind me I heard two Card Guards run into the jacks. I turned and flung my Blade at the one in front. Down one Card Guard. Cheshire readied to leap and take down the second Card Guard himself as I momentarily had no usable weapon available. The jackbomb was out of the question in the mining shaft and a boob shroom in the narrow tunnel was suicide. Fortunately my jacks finished off the second Card Guard. Cheshire heaved a sigh of relief.

"I wasn't afraid of the Card Guard, but brawling in a seething mass of bugs was not my idea of fun."

"There's still six Card Guards out by the entrance," I said.

I put my fingers to my lips and slowly advanced to the double doors. I suddenly flung them open and saw that I would not need to fight the Card Guards. The cavalry was coming!

"YEAH BABY! IT'S CHOW TIME! FRESH CARD GUARD! LAST ONE DOWN AN ASSHOLE CHANGES THE LITTER!"

"HAMSTERS!" screeched the terrified Card Guard patrol leader. "RUN FOR YOUR ASSHOLES!"

Like Kangaroo rats jacked up on sugar, the hamsters bounded toward the Card Guards, knocked them over, and did their trademark swan dive into the anus where they began burrowing their way through the entire digestive system. The Card Guards howled and pounded the ground but there was no escape for five of them. One was running down the road and I ran after him. Cheshire bounded along behind me.

"Your honor or mine?" asked Cheshire.

"I'll let you have this one," I said.

We had the Card Guard cornered in the area near the Rabbit Hole with the junk pile of condoms nearby. Cheshire circled the Card Guard and taunted him.

"Awwww! Guardie does not want to play with the little Kitty?"

Cheshire's toothy grin must have been terrifying to the Card Guard. I swear Cheshire had more teeth than a Great White Shark. After a few minutes of dread-inducing circling, Cheshire pounced the instant the Card Guard failed to stay directly face-to-face with him. Out came the claws and a Card Guard arm went flying before he was able to aim his weapon. Cheshire ripped the other arm off a moment later and stood on the Card Guard's chest. I couldn't stand to watch anymore. Cheshire was playing with his prey like a house cat plays with a mouse that he really doesn't want to eat. I unsheathed my Vorpal Blade and plunged into the Card Guard's chest.

I was very surprised to hear the Card Guard whisper "Thank you" before expiring. I bit my lip and refrained from saying anything about torture to Cheshire. I suddenly understood why Cheshire had such a fearsome reputation among the Card Guards. I was damned glad he was on my side.

Cheshire and I sauntered back to Gnome Village in time to see our furry saviours lined up in front of the Gnome Elder's little house. They bowed to us and the leader of the group began to sing.

I've paid my dues

Time after time

I've done my sentence

But committed no crime

And bad mistakes

I've made a few

I've had my share of sand

Kicked in my face

But I've come through

And we mean to go on and on and on and on

We are The Hamsters, my friends

And we'll keep on fighting till the end

We are The Hamsters

We are The Hamsters

No time for losers

'Cause we are The Hamsters of Wonderland

I've taken my bows

And my curtain calls

Wonderland brought me fame and fortune

And everything that goes with it

I thank you all

But it's been no bed of roses

No pleasure cruise

I consider it a challenge before

the human race

And I ain't gonna lose

And we mean to go on and on and on and on

We are The Hamsters, my friends

And we'll keep on fighting till the end

We are The Hamsters

We are The Hamsters

No time for losers

'Cause we are the Hamsters of Wonderland

We are The Hamsters, my friends

And we'll keep on fighting till the end

We are The Hamsters

We are The Hamsters

No time for losers

'Cause we are the Hamsters of Wonderland

The leader of the hamster pack bowed to us. All five then turned smartly on their heels and walked in a perfect line on their hind feet into the Gnome Elders' house. Cheshire and I saluted as they walked past. Heroes, one and all.

"So, Cat," I said, "shall we go liberate some Gnomes from celibacy and itchy rashes?"

"We shall, but first I think we should scour the village in search of more weapons. In that tunnel, you had two weapons in use, and two weapons which you could not use in tight quarters. You were effectively unarmed for a few seconds."

"As usual, Cat, you are completely right. Where shall we start the search?"

"I suggest we start back underneath the Rabbit Hole. I remember seeing several piles of trash there in addition to the mountain of condoms that you landed in."

Cheshire and I walked over to the area underneath the Rabbit Hole - it was only a few minutes away - and began poking through the trash. One of the piles of trash was of children's toys. I was flabbergasted.

"The Red Queen is so mean that she took away children's toys?"

"The Red Queen thinks in terms of military strategy, Alice. Taking away the children's toys was a demoralization tactic. A way of demonstrating the Gnomes' helplessness to them."

"I think I'd react with anger. Didn't the Gnomes have any way to fight back?"

"The Gnomes' only real tactical asset is their ability to disappear from one location and reappear in another. They don't have any effective weapons against the Card Guards."

"Except hamsters."

"Except hamsters."

I rooted through the pile of toys and found an old, faded spinning top. It was obvious that it had once been a thing of stunning beauty, but its varnish was completely worn off and the wood had turned gray. Still, its shape was perfect, and its surface was smooth except for the expertly cut grooves for the string which was trailing from its tip.

"Do you know how to throw one of those things?" asked Cheshire.

"I had one of these as a small child. In fact, I think it was my first toy. I had a shiny, red laquered spinning top with a string. Much like this one." I wrapped the string around the top and gave it a throw. The top spun perfectly on a flat spot of dirt and kicked up a miniature dust devil as it spun.

"Alice," said Cheshire, "I do believe that you have found a new weapon."

I watched the top spin and wondered how long it would take to topple over. As long as the top spun, the miniature dust devil that enveloped it continued to spin, too.

"Cat, I do believe that it could be used to temporarily block a path, corridor, or tunnel."

The toy toppled over and reappeared in my hand in the style of my jacks. I carefully wrapped the string around it and placed it in my right pocket, which I resealed.

"A funny thing, Alice. Toys seem to like you. Especially toys that can be used as weapons."

"Indeed, Cat. Want to do any more searching?"

"How about the houses that we didn't search when we were searching for your Blade?"

Cheshire and I did precisely that searching the houses that we hadn't been into before thoroughly. Getting in was no problem as before. We did not encounter a single lock. We searched kitchen cabinets, drawers in living rooms and bedroom furniture, and every closet we could find. We found only one thing of significance. In one house we found a sealed envelope with "Alice" written on the outside. It had a single paragraph inside on one sheet of paper. It was typed.

"Your Vorpal Blade is in one of the village homes being used as a kitchen knife. The seamstress has some of your old dresses, your jacks weapon, and your jackbomb. The White King of Pale Realm is holding your Jabberwock Eyestaff for you in a high security, heavily guarded location. He claims to have your shuriken cards also. No one knows where your croquet mallet is. There is some suspicion that a Gnome child has it in a closet as a toy that never gets used. Your ice wand is thought to be lost in a cave in the Land of Fire and Ice. The Gnome Elder has your demon die wrapped in a dozen bags and stuffed in a wooden box in his home. He knows you hated it and had no desire for it. Hatter destroyed the deadtime watch. He regretted making it and said it was too dangerous to be allowed to exist. If there were/are any other weapons in Wonderland, we Gnomes know nothing of them."

"So it looks like our destination after unlocking the Gnomes is Pale Realm," said Cheshire.

"Lucky the Card Guards never searched the homes," I observed.

We headed straight for the tunnel in Yur Mine where the Gnomes were holed up. "You always turn left to find the Gnomes," I remembered. We marched into their underground chamber and tried our keys. One key unlocked the Gnome men's metal lock boxes and a second key unlocked the Gnome women's metal fabric chastity belts. I showered condoms throughout the area as I unlocked Gnomes as fast as I could.

"Make the ground shake!" I shouted. "Let the Queens know that some people in Wonderland are having fun tonight! Cheshire began to sing in that deep soulful voice of his.

An odd-looking portal opened next to Cheshire and a fat, greasy business executive in suit and tie and sporting a handlebar moustache stepped out. He handed Cheshire a thick stack of papers.

"You are in violation of our copyright. Pay me ten thousand pounds now, or Greedy Bastards Music Incorporated will sue you in court for one million pounds." He stuck his hand out in front of Cheshire and waved it around under his nose. Bad move. Cheshire said nothing and circled the business executive.

"This is a joke. Right?"

"I am completely serious," said the fat, greasy business executive as he twirled his handlebar moustache.

Cheshire circled the business executive a few more times. Holy fuck. I did not know that Cheshire could unhinge his jaws. Cheshire grabbed the business executive with his jaws opened wide enough to swallow the executive whole. The business executive disappeared through another portal. His lawsuit papers plopped down into the puddle of urine that he had left behind. Cheshire rehinged his jaws, flashed me an enormous grin, and began singing again.

He did make some rather obscene gestures with his hips while singing. I looked the other way. The Gnomes didn't waste anytime pairing up. Nobody, it seemed, had any interest in taking a shower. They got down to business right away. Gnomes were shagging on the tables, on the floor, against the walls, on sleeping mats, just everywhere. They were doing the missionary position, the jockey, doggie-style, the sixty-nine, the cowgirl, the wall bang. I even saw a few starfish positions. Everybody was paired up, except...

An older Gnome woman with a crazed, desperate look on her face slowly scanned the room. Her eyes fell upon Cheshire and she grabbed him by the scruff of the neck.

"You'll do!" she rasped. The Gnome woman yanked up her skirt, flipped bug-eyed Cheshire paws up, and jammed the poor, howling cat's stiff, erect tail down her shriveled, stinking, dried-up, nasty, bush-enshrouded puss and began to plunge as if she were trying to unstop a drain. Cheshire hissed, flipped, twirled, unsheathed his claws, and slashed the woman across her left cheek. Four of his claws connected and left three-inch scratches, one on top of the other, that looked like North American Indian warpaint. I thought she was lucky not to get eaten. The woman threw Cheshire and vanished into the crowd of crazed humping Gnomes. The floor of the cave shook beneath our feet as if an earthquake were in progress. Cheshire fled into the tunnels and I followed closely behind.

When we exited the tunnels, a panting Cheshire looked at me with bitterness in his eyes.

"No good deed goes unpunished."

End of Chapter 7

This story is based on the characters created by American McGee. EA (Electronic Arts) owns the copyrights.

Lyrics to "We Are the Champions" by Freddie Mercury of Queen slightly altered to create "We Are the Hamsters." Parody is protected fair use. See "Campbell v. Acuff-Rose Music, Inc" on Wikipedia.

Suggested listening: "Everybody Have Fun Tonight" by Wang Chung.

Chapter 8: Chapter 8  
Chapter 8: "I Am the Eggman"

"Come on, Cat, let's go back to Gnome Village and get you cleaned up."

"Oh, how low have I sunk. Cats are supposed to be self-cleaning, but there's no way I'm going to lick that goop off. Yuck!"

"I remember a house in Gnome Village that had rubber gloves in a drawer near the sink. I don't want to touch that goop, either."

I led Cheshire to the house, took him around back to the outdoor shower house, and proceeded to hose the poor cat down. He had a look of unspeakable misery on his furry face. After the hose-down, I donned rubber gloves, carved off a piece of laundry soap, and lathered up Cheshire from head to foot at his insistence. I was only going to clean his tail, but Cheshire wanted a complete catwash. He moaned the entire time, but kept perfectly still. All soaped up, I took him back to the shower and hosed him down a second time. Next came the Gnome hooch. Disinfectant, you know. I poured it on his tail and ass. Did he ever howl when I poured it on his poor ass. What a screech! I said a quiet prayer that the old Gnome woman was not infected with anything. Finally I dried him off with a hand towel that I tossed on the floor after using. Cheshire said nothing about me being a slob this time.

"Our route to Pale Realm will require passing through the mining tunnel again, walking all the way from one end of Wonderland Woods to the other, entering a corner of the Land of Fire and Ice known as Caterpillar's Plot, and then going down a bizarre-looking canyon littered with chess squares spilling out from the Pale Ream entrance gate," said Cheshire.

We continued walking through the Gnome village, and Cheshire suddenly dashed up to the entrance of the house on the left and took a long, slow, leisurely leak on the door. Then he disappeared inside and I heard a stream splashing over everything inside. Cheshire did not need to tell me whose house that was. Somehow, I just knew.

"Pity I didn't need to take a number two. I would have left the old lady a souvenir on her dining room table, too."

I kept my mouth shut. Sometimes its just best not to say anything. Really, who could blame him? I thought about what I would have done. Jackbomb. Definitely jackbomb. Blow the house to kingdom come. Yeah, Cheshire was actually quite restrained in his revenge. I would have done worse.

We reached the mining tunnel and I let loose with a long sigh. Another trip through the bugs. I hate bugs. Why did it have to be bugs?

In Wonderland Woods, we stopped at the frog pond for awhile to give Cheshire a chance to hunt for frogs. He caught one frog, but ate mostly the snarks that he had been depending on ever since he fled the Duchess' house. We stopped at the Card Guard compound for me to do some foraging. The compound had nutcrackers and bags I could use for gathering nuts. I spent the next two days there gorging on nuts. Cheshire ate a few nuts, but only enough to keep hunger away. Pity considering that nuts were the most plentiful food in Wonderland. Also the most plentiful type of inhabitant.

At the border of Wonderland Woods and the Land of Fire and Ice, Cheshire gave me a warning that the Humpty-Dumpty of my memory did not exist any more.

"The happy-go-lucky gigolo of old is gone. He has lost his inspiration and his abilility to perform."

I was a bit mystified about that inspiration and ability to perform bit, but I was about to find out. I wish I hadn't. I think I would have been happier if we had given Humpty a wide berth, but he did have one piece of useful information.

Cheshire and I walked into Caterpillar's Plot to find old Humpty sitting in the same place I had seen him on my last trip through Wonderland. He was rocking back and forth as he moaned over and over and over "Oh, woe is me, woe is me, woe is me!"

I walked directly in front of old Humpty and addressed him. "And what, old friend, is the source of your woe?"

Humpty looked me up and down and looked surprised, but was gracious and friendly. "Ah, Alice! You've returned!"

"Yes, I have! Why all the lamentations?"

Humpty sighed. "I couldn't get it up for the Red Queen and now she wants my head. Actually heads. Yes. She wants both of them."

"Why Humpty, what has befallen you? You were famous! You did all the Card royalty!"

"The Red Queen was insulted. She said if I could get it up for the Queen of Spades who looks like Margaret Thatcher, then I should be able to get it up for anybody! Oh, her wrath was unquenchable. So now I hide here in one of Wonderland's backwaters."

"How did you lose your inspiration?"

"You were my inspiration. All I had to do was think of the sight of you walking away, and up came ding-a-ling! You were gone for so long that I forgot what your enabling jiggle looked like. Oh, you were fabulous walking away. Such bounce! Such jiggle! Do forgive me for asking, but what has become of you? There's so much less of you! Nothing to bounce or jiggle now! Poor dear!"

"Ummmm..." I couldn't think of anything to say. I had no idea. No idea at all that I was anybody's inspiration. Or target of lust. Humpty jumped down in front of me and began to serenade me while making obscene thrusting movements with his hips.

I like big butts and I can not lie

The other eggmen can't deny

That when Miss Alice walks in with an itty bitty waist

And a great big round thing in your face

You get sprung, wanna pull out your puff

'Cause you notice that butt was stuffed

Deep in the pinafore she's wearing

I'm hooked and I can't stop staring

Oh Miss Alice, I wanna get with you

And take your picture

My eggmen tried to warn me

But that butt you got makes me so horny

I'm tired of magazines

Sayin' flat butts are the thing

Take the average eggman and ask him that

She gotta pack much back

So, eggmen! (Yeah!) Eggmen! (Yeah!)

Has your girlfriend got the butt? (Hell yeah!)

Tell her to shake it! (Shake it!) Shake it! (Shake it!)

Shake that healthy butt!

Miss Alice got back!

I just stood there with my jaw dropped. I looked over my shoulder at my scrawny backside. There used to be some volume back there. Not anymore. Poor old Humpty. I sure wasn't going to be able to inspire him this time! Humpty noticed me staring.

"Yeah, it's a shame ain't it. Somebody's been starving you!"

At this point Cheshire butted in increasing my embarrassment. "If you think she looks scrawny now, you should have seen her when she arrived. Remember that fairy tale about the corpse bride? She was a walking skeleton. She's been stuffing her face nonstop since she got here, and there is now at least a stone more of her."

I had a handful of nuts that I was shoveling into my mouth and stopped shoveling. I wanted to crawl under a rock. I wanted to pour more Gnome hooch on Cheshire's ass. I wanted to disappear.

"Why must you blokes talk about my body as if I weren't even here?"

"We're males, that's what we do," said Cheshire. Humpty nodded in agreement.

I walked away without saying anything. I was headed toward the canyon with the gateway to Pale Realm. I walked alone for a few minutes, and then Cheshire came bounding up.

"Humpty had one piece of useful information. The Hatter has developed a new weapon."

"Didn't I kill Hatter?" I interrrupted.

"You killed his robot, remember?"

"Oh, yeah. The Red Queen had the real Hatter."

"Anyway, Hatter's new weapon is an auto-injecting syringe in the form of a bullet. He's developed a gun for it, too. A sort of rifle with six chambers in a revolving cylinder."

Cheshire and I looked at each other, both obviously thinking the same thing at the same moment.

"Boob shrooms!" we both said simultaneously. We could distill boob shrooms into liquid form, fill the syringes, and shoot them into the Red Queen. Oh, yeah. Six syringes full of boob juice. The Red Queen would be buried alive in boobage. I couldn't help cackling like one of the wicked witches of Oz. I had a plan.

End of Chapter 8

This story is based on the characters created by American McGee. EA (Electronic Arts) owns the copyrights. "Baby Got Back" is a song written and recorded by Sir Mix-a-Lot. It appears on his album "Mack Daddy."

Chapter 9: Chapter 9  
Chapter 9: "A Key to the Kingdom"

A routine Friday. After morning weeding in the Asylum's gardens, and afternoon reading in the library, I returned to my room to await Nurse Dot probably bringing me an extra bowl of rice and beans. She did arrive as usual, and reminded me to show up in the medical center Saturday morning for my one-month checkup. It was what happened after my checkup that made the day noteworthy.

The doctors wanted a quick check of my statistics after one month of being stuffed full of rice and beans from the Asylum and chocolate and treats from Professor Dodgson. The two men in the medical center left when I arrived to let Nurse Dot take all the measurements. First thing Nurse Dot wanted was for me to strip to naked except for socks. She circled me with a clipboard in hand and scribbled down some general comments.

"You look better," she said. "Your ribs don't show as much and your stomach no longer looks caved in." She pinched me in a few places and commented. "You've even got a tiny bit of flesh to pinch in a few places. Now onto the scales."

She offered me the option to turn around and not see the number generated by the sliding weights on the scale, but I chose to face the scales. I had been 85 pounds at the beginning of the month. Now the scales indicated 102.

"You've done well for the first month. You don't look like you could keel over and die at any moment like you did. You're still thin, though. Too thin to be released."

"Everyone still wants me to fill this dress, hmmm...?"

"I think so."

"I just want my face back. I used to be really cute. I had cheeks like a little girl. I haven't felt glamourous for a long time with this pinched face."

"You don't see any difference in your face in the mirror?"

"Nope," I said. "None at all."

"I see a little difference. Not much."

Nurse Dot took my measurements. Up three inches in the chest although I was still flat as a board. Up three inches in the waist. Up four inches in the hips. I was starting to show a slight rounding in the hips. I still had bones sticking out, but they weren't as obvious as before. The most obvious difference was that all my hollowed-out spots were filling in. I was starting to look human again. My upper arms and thighs still looked like twigs, though. No obvious muscles anywhere. I wondered about the other human cadavers in the Asylum being starved simply because they were friendless and had no one to check on them and keep the administrators honest. Nurse Dot took a few more tests and scribbled a bit more.

"By the end of next month, I want to see some jiggle on you somewhere. A completely solid body in a young woman is considered a sign of grinding poverty."

There I stood with my flat chest, nearly straight hips, and no ass. She told me she wanted to see something jiggle. With a completely straight face. I began to sing.

"All I want for birthday is a wee bit of jiggle,

A wee bit of jiggle,

A wee bit of jiggle.

All I want for birthday is a wee bit of jiggle.

God please send me tits."

"I ain't askin' for much.

I ain't askin' for a pair of bowling balls.

Just a nice, normal-looking pair of B's.

Just enough to avoid looking like a boy in a dress.

Is that too much?"

"All I want for birthday is a wee bit of jiggle,

A wee bit of jiggle,

A wee bit of jiggle.

All I want for birthday is a wee bit of jiggle.

God please send me tits."

"And an ass big enough to bounce."

Nurse Dot winced a little. She led me down the corridor toward the stairway. As I passed by the administrators' office, I noticed that it had the same kind of lock that my little room had. I looked straight at Nurse Dot and she nodded without saying anything. Somehow, I knew that my key would fit that lock. I couldn't test it then because there was probably at least one person in the administrators' office. I knew that I would be visiting that office in the middle of some night when some idiot orderly was neglecting his duties. I wondered what I would find there.

End of Chapter 9

This story is based on the characters created by American McGee. EA (Electronic Arts) owns the copyrights.

Chapter 10: Chapter 10  
Chapter 10: "Happy-Go-Fucky"

The approach to the gateway to Pale Realm looked exactly the same as it had on my previous trip through, but this time there were no enemies standing in the way. No Diamond or Spade Guards overhead, no Red Pawns bounding around. I still had to watch my step. There were dropthroughs everywhere. Cheshire was especially cautious. He hated that one spot near the gate that had dropoffs on both sides of the stone step. He decided to make a running leap over it. I winced as I watched him do it. He winced likewise as he watched me thread the needle between the two dropoffs.

In front of us, two White Knights flanked the entrance and pulled on the chains to lift the gate.

"Here's your welcome bag. Enjoy your stay."

The two White Knights greeted Cheshire in an identical fashion. Cheshire carried his bag in his teeth. I looked inside my bag. A box of condoms, a box of handrolled cigarettes, and a box of safety matches. I looked at the cigarettes.

"Cheshire, I don't think these cigarettes are made of tobacco. They look funny."

"Ever hear of Wonderland Weed, Alice?"

"Ummm... No."

Cheshire rolled his eyes and muttered something about me being hopelessly naive. We wandered into the main square of Pale Realm which was shrouded in a dense, heavy, nearly opaque smoke that reeked of rotting hay. Everywhere in the fog we could see couples banging away on top of tables, on top of stone walls, and against the walls of buildings. Used condoms littered the square. I didn't remember Pale Realm being so heavily populated before.

"Alice, I do believe I've been seeing Gnomes here. Not all of the couples are chess pieces. The Pawns are all young women. Weren't they children, before?"

I peered through the dense smoke.

"This sure isn't the Pale Realm I remember from before."

"Understatement of the year. I've never seen such a happy-go-fucky place."

Something went whizzing by my waist sash and struck Cheshire right on the side of the face. Cheshire sputtered and cursed. The object fell off his face.

"Is that a used condom?"

I bent over intensely aware that kneeling meant coming into contact with several used condoms. I inspected what had just fallen off Cheshire's face. It was identical to all the other objects on the stone of the walkway.

"I do believe it is, Cheshire. Come over. I'll clean you up."

I took out a handkerchief that I always carried in my dress pocket and wiped the goo off poor Cheshire's face. I would have given him a bath if we had still been in Gnome Village. I looked at my handkerchief afterwards and decided that perhaps I should not like to put it back in my dress pocket. Looking at all the other litter, and not seeing any garbage cans nearby, I threw it down.

"Sorry about your good handkerchief, Alice."

"Small loss, Cat. I hear water running from a fountain nearby. What say you take a dive in some water?"

"Cats are supposed to hate water, but I can't wait to get soaked."

We walked over to where the running water sound was coming from, and sure enough it was a fountain with a shallow basin. Cheshire dived in and got right underneath the waterflow to rinse himself off. Pity I had not thought to take some soap in Gnome Village when it was handy. After Cheshire got out, we both noticed a sign obscured by the mist from the fountain and the heavy shroud of smoke that hung over the square. A list of rules of etiquette for Pale Realm.

PALE REALM ETIQUETTE

No masturbation in public.

No nose picking in public.

No oral sex in public.

Don't throw your used condoms.

Use a bathroom to pee or shit.

Wipe your ass.

Wash your hands after peeing, shitting, or fucking.

Send Humpty Dumpty straight to the Queen if you see him.

I looked straight at Cheshire.

"That last one looks pretty odd to me."

"Not to me. Have you seen the White Queen lately?"

"No, I haven't."

"You'll figure it out."

Cheshire and I continued on our way to the White King's castle. While walking through the large square just before his castle, the White Queen walked by. I couldn't help myself and whispered to Cheshire.

"Did you see the rack on that woman? Good heavens."

"Jealous, Alice?"

"Definitely not. There is such a thing as too much of a good thing. She's totally out of proportion. Did you see her face?"

"I've seen her face before."

"It must be a foot long and about three inches wide. I thought I had a pinched face. She looks like she got her face caught in a machine at a halloween mask factory."

"Figure out yet why the White King wants everyone to send Humpty Dumpty straight to the White Queen?"

"Yup. It's obvious. Somebody gotta fuck that ugly bitch so the White King doesn't have to!"

After passing through the double-door entrance to the White King's castle, Cheshire and I had to step over all the copulating couples in the foyer. The heavy fog of smoke from the handrolled cigarettes, however, nearly disappeared the instant we passed through the doors. Cheshire and I passed through another set of double doors and headed for the White King's throne room. Upon entering, we saw that we were just in time for dinner. The White King graciously invited us both to take still empty seats and seemed to be unaware that Cheshire was a cat.

"Don't eat like me, Alice," whispered Cheshire. "Use the silverware."

"Do you think me a savage, Cat?"

"You ate like a Viking in the Card Guard Compound in Wonderland Woods. Remember where you are."

One of the White King's servants took away Cheshire's plate and glass, shoved a bowl of scrambled eggs and shredded fish in front of him, and placed another bowl of milk where the glass would normally be. I was impressed. Nobody blinked at Cheshire standing on his hind legs on the chair with his front paws on the tablecloth. Cheshire looked straight at me, flashed his trademark grin, and shoved his face directly into the bowl whereupon he proceeded to inhale the scrambled eggs and fish. He was finished with his meal before I had taken a single bite. Cheshire shoved the empty bowl aside and pushed the bowl with the milk in it in front of him with a paw. A servant came by and offered me chunks of roasted meat. I nodded yes, and two more servants came by offering chunks of potato and thick, brown gravy. Yes to all.

It was goat meat. Not bad if you're hungry. I plowed into the potatoes and gravy like a starving wild animal. Cheshire poked me and whispered, "Don't eat so fast!" I soon discovered why Cheshire was suddenly concerned about my manners.

"Ah, Alice! You've returned!" said a jovial-looking White King. The air of frayed nerves and desperation that marked him on my previous encounter were gone. Quickly wiping gravy off my lips, I stood up and curtsied for him.

The White King jerked his head back. "Whoa! Maybe three-quarters of you has returned. What happened to the rest?"

"All gone. Stripped away. Lost."

"Somebody stick you in a cage and starve you for two years?" he asked.

"That's actually a very accurate description of what happened. I sure haven't been dieting for two years!"

"You and your traveling companion are welcome to stay here for a week if you so desire. I have two items of yours under lock and key to return to you. The first is your round Shuriken Cards. Those I will return to you right now. Your Eyestaff I will return to you when you leave. It will remain under lock and key until then for security reasons. Follow me."

The White King led Cheshire and me into what might be best described as a giant vault. It was a very large room with thick marble walls and a thick, heavy metal door with the largest built-in lock I had ever seen.

"The Hatter designed that lock. Best in Wonderland." The White King had my Cards weapon sitting in a glass bowl on a shelf. He held the bowl in front of me.

"Go ahead and take them. I absolutely do not want to touch them after seeing what they did to an unwary servant who merely picked them up." I stuffed the Cards into a special pouch inside my right dress pocket and resealed the top of the pocket.

"Interesting material at the top of your dress pockets," said the White King. "You use it as a sealer?"

"Yes," I said. "It's a very coarse material that sticks together when you press two pieces of it together. Very practical. Invented by a Gnome seamstress. Prevents stuff from falling out of my pockets. When you consider some of the acrobatics I do, it's a necessity to prevent me from losing essential items - such as weapons."

I could see my Eyestaff on a higher shelf. It was in a rack with some oversized pistols. I agreed with the White King that it was best to leave it here until I was ready to leave. The rest of the stuff in the vault was not what you might have expected. There was no money in the vault. No gold or silver. No treasures of any kind. The vault was filled with inventions of a very practical kind awaiting mass production. There were a few prototype weapons in the vault. The White King apologized for that. "Pale Realm is now completely free of the Red Chess Piece invaders, but we must remain alert and constantly seek to improve our defenses to keep them out. As far as I know, Pale Realm is the only completely liberated territory in Wonderland. You've seen for yourselves what a happy place this is."

Cheshire chuckled. "Yes, indeed."

"Time to head for bed now," said the White King. "Meet me at the main dining table for breakfast tomorrow morning at six o'clock sharp! The Rook will show you to your room. Place any laundry that you have in the laundry bag in the room and place it just outside your door. A servant will pick it up and have everything back to you by six o'clock. The bag has the number of your room on it, so there's no danger of mix-ups."

"Thank you for your hospitality," I said. I curtsied again. Cheshire stood on his hind feet and bowed. I thought of Puss-In-Boots as he did it. We turned and followed the White Rook to our room.

Two twin beds, a nightstand between the beds, and two small chests of drawers. A laundry bag dangled from a hook on the wall beside both chests of drawers. There was an attached bathroom. Toilet and shower stall. No bath tub. Two sets of towels on the wall racks. All in all, this would have made a very nice hotel room. I did notice that there were no windows in the room. Walls, floor, ceiling, everything was marble except for the door and door handle. The door was heavy wood and the handle was brass. This sure beat the hell out of my cell in the Asylum.

Cheshire peaked into the attached bathroom. "Alice, they even set up a litter box for me." Cheshire was most tickled to get a twin bed with sheets the same as me.

I stripped and stuffed my clothes into the laundry bag which I set just outside the door. When I turned back inside, Cheshire looked me up and down with a surprised look on his not-so-furry face.

"Alice! You've got boobs!"

"What?"

"You're not flat anymore!"

I felt up and down my chest with my hands. "Well, whoop-de-doo! I've got walnuts! Break out the Victorian Secret catalogue!"

"Alice, walnuts are better than nothing! They're more than Keira Knightley has! Her teeth are bigger than her tits!"

I sat naked on the bed squeezing my walnuts.

"Alice, take a shower. You reek."

End of Chapter 10

This story is based on the characters created by American McGee. EA (Electronic Arts) owns the copyrights.

Chapter 11: Chapter 11  
Chapter 11: "Let's Play Nancy Drew!"

I awoke all fuzzy-headed and dizzy. Almost pitch black except for a soft glow coming from around a corner. I lit a match. Back in the Asylum. Damn. I reached my hand up my nightgown. Holy crap! I had walnuts! I considered just lying there and squeezing my newly-arrived tiny little tits, but curiosity got the best of me. A note under my door.

"Alice. The idiot twins raped Mary Jo on the first floor about 11:00 PM. They're sleeping it off. Now's a good time to go skulking in the night. Search for evidence of bribe taking. Use your key."

The note had to be from Nurse Dot. Nobody else knew about my key being identical to the administrator's office key.

Poor Mary Jo. A plump, extremely busty 22-year-old with a porcelain-doll face, she must have made an inviting target for the twin orderlies. I remember being jealous of Mary Jo the first time I saw her: her breasts were so big and prominent that they bounced and wobbled with Mary Jo's every step. I envied the breadth of her hips and the size of her big, heavy bottom as well. Mary Jo was so shapely that she made me want to be big and plump someday.

I unlocked my door as quietly as I could cursing all the while the amount of noise the metal doors and locks made. Nobody was in the hallway. I peered around the corner to the right away from the administrator's office. No one. I peered around the corner to the left of my cell. No one. The path was clear to the administrator's office. I rued the fact that I did not have any type of gloves to cover my fingertips. I knew that I would be leaving fingerprints everywhere. I shoved my key into the lock of the administrator's office, turned it, and pulled the door slightly open with it, trying to avoid touching the metal door. Inside, I pulled the door shut by placing the key in the keyhole and pulling. Success! I had avoided touching the door. I looked around for a piece of cloth to cover my fingertips. A doily on a sofa armrest looked better than nothing.

To the administrator's desk. Nothing interesting on top of the desk. The administrator was tidy and organized it seemed. I picked up his "in" box and rifled through it using the doily to avoid touching anything. Not easy at all. I fanned the documents across his desk. Nothing useful. I opened the top drawer. All invoices. I needed the accounting book. Second drawer. Patient records. I resisted the temptation to rifle through my own records. Needed to stay focused on the objective. Bottom drawer. Jackpot. A big thick book titled "Journal," a big thick book entitled "Accounts Payable," and a big thick book entitled "Balances." The big book titled "Balances" had five sections: assets, liabilities, income, expenses, and capital. Traditional double-entry bookkeeping of the type my father had used for managing the Christ Church University in Oxford.

The "Balances" volume looked the most promising for finding evidence of bribery. It didn't take me long to find what I was looking for. In the expenses section, I found the food purchases. According to entries, the Asylum was purchasing rice, beans, dry pasta, fish, pork, fresh fruit, and a few other kitchen basics such as salt, pepper, butter, lard, and olive oil. If we had also gotten the fresh vegetables from the gardens that we worked, I dare say we would have all been a downright chubby-looking lot. I went back to the top drawer with the invoices. There I found fake invoices for food purchases that were never made. All the fake invoices were from the company "Institutional Food Supplies." I suspected that the company did not exist.

I wondered what the penalty was for stealing from the government. Probably nothing if the case went through the courts. Nineteen and I was already cynical. Sure didn't take long for me. Starvation for someone else's enrichment has a way of doing that. I grabbed a piece of scrap paper from the trash can and wrote down the name of the fake food supply company on the invoices. I also scribbled down the amounts of the fake purchases.

Mission accomplished, I put everything back in its place, replaced the doily on the sofa, and exited, pulling the door shut with the key. I gritted my teeth when I turned the key in the lock. I dashed back to my cell, locked it from the inside, and sat down to pant a bit. And feel my "walnuts." Damn it was cool not to be flat as a wooden plank anymore. I gave myself a little "self-stimulation" also. So much easier to sleep afterwards. I wonder if Nancy Drew ever diddled herself to sleep.

End of Chapter 11

This story is based on the characters created by American McGee. EA (Electronic Arts) owns the copyrights.

Chapter 12: Chapter 12  
Chapter 12: "The Good King"

The antique-looking alarm clock on the nightstand went off at exactly 5:30 AM as I had set it. I was actually a bit surprised that it worked. I rolled over, sat on the edge of the bed, and whispered rather loudly to Cheshire.

"Hey, Cat! You awake?"

"Yes, Alice. I heard the alarm. I'm not dead."

"Time to get ready. We're supposed to meet the White King for breakfast at six o'clock."

"I don't have anything I need to do to get ready. That's the good thing about being a cat. We just roll over and we're ready to go."

"The other good thing about being a cat is not having to work for a living," I said. I wondered if Cheshire would protest, but he just grinned. Cats really are smarter than human beings. They don't work.

I opened up my door and reached for my laundry. It was right there. Fresh clean dress, bra, panties, and socks. I must have stunk like an old goat yesterday. Cheshire watched me get dressed.

"Alice, you're starting to look better. Don't look like a walking cadaver, anymore."

"Thanks, Cat. That was so complimentary. Every girl needs to know that's she not quite as ugly as she used to be."

"You're not ugly, Alice. You never were. Being a bag of bones sure took you down a few notches, though."

"I'll thank you not to make any remarks while I stuff my face at breakfast. I'm starving."

"Literally, you were. Making up for missed meals?"

"My body is nagging me constantly. 'Eat! Eat! Eat!' it says."

"You're not the only one," said Cheshire. "I agree not to make any remarks about you at breakfast if you also hold your tongue about me sticking my face in the bowl and inhaling everything in five seconds. That's what cats do, Alice."

"No, Cat. What housecats do is sniff twice, look up as if to say 'This is not acceptable,' and then walk away."

"I'm not some spoilt-rotten housecat, Alice. Hunger has a way of making you willing to eat anything. Except a hamster."

I nearly choked when Cheshire mentioned that a hamster was one thing he wouldn't eat.

"Let's go, Cat. Breakfast awaits."

The White King had saved two seats right across the table from him for Cheshire and me. He greeted Cheshire and me and then asked us a few questions to see how much we knew about the new Pale Realm.

"Did you notice anything different about the morning from the evening in Pale Realm, Alice?"

"Yes, I noticed that the squares were not full of people smoking Wonderland Weed and having sex. The squares actually looked rather empty."

"Everyone who lives in Pale Realm works four hours a day. The morning shift is from seven to eleven. The afternoon shift is from one to five. The evening shift is from six to ten. The night shift is from one o'clock in the morning to five o'clock in the morning. The laundry crew works the night shift, for example. Most people work in agriculture or in small-scale factories. In return for four hours of work five days a week, everything in Pale Realm is free. Everyone essentially works for their fellow residents. Because everyone knows nearly everyone else, it's possible for this system to work. I don't think this system would work in a larger place where people didn't know each other."

The White King paused for a moment. Cheshire and I looked at each other thinking the same thing. Pale Realm sounded an awful lot like the Paris Commune.

"Technically, I own all the land and factories in Pale Realm, but I don't take a cut of the production. I guess you could say that the Crown holds all property in common for the people. I do take responsibility for maintenance. Sometimes we need to trade for a replacement part with Hatter. He's the one who built all of our assembly lines. Hatter gets power for his Castle from Pale Realm. All of our water wheels produce electricity. Pale Realm is the only place in Wonderland that generates electricity. Outside of Pale Realm, Hatter's Castle is the only place that has electricity. He consumes quite a lot of it in that laboratory of his. Quite the Edison, he is."

"This place sounds like Paradise compared to the rest of Wonderland," I said. "No worries about where to live or what to eat. No Card Guards stomping around and ransacking homes. No tyrannical rules imposed by brute force. Putting those chastity belts on the Gnome women and those chastity boxes on Gnome men was sheer insanity."

"We heard about you slaughtering the Card Guard compound in Wonderland Woods to get keys to unlock Gnomes from those chastity belts and chastity boxes."

I turned pale, I'm sure, from embarrassment.

"Most ingenious use of those mushrooms. Nobody ever thought of using them as a weapon before."

I wanted to crawl underneath the breakfast table.

"Glad you decided to return completely to normal. Disproportionate female bodies are not especially attractive. I'm sure you've seen the White Queen. She was once a pawn. She has looked that way ever since she queened. I can barely stand to look at her. She was an attractive young woman before she queened. It breaks my heart to see what queening has done to her."

"So you pay Humpty Dumpty to service her?"

"Yes, I feel a bit of embarrassment about being so shallow, but I truly cannot stand to look at that face. She looks like John Kerry. Or Droopy Dog. Take your pick."

"You don't like her chest, either, I presume since you mentioned her being disproportionate."

"Yes, breasts that large on a woman that tall and that thin look just absurd. She didn't get those from mushrooms. If she had, a little bit of light orange mushroom would be the cure."

"It was obvious she didn't get those breasts from the orange mushrooms. Mushroom breasts sort of float. Those things definitely don't float."

"They look like clock pendulums to me," said the White King.

"What is your feminine ideal?" asked Cheshire.

"Cheshire! That's not something you ask!" I said.

"It's okay," said the White King. "Cheshire has always been quite direct. He already knows what I like." The White King did not elaborate.

Cheshire had already finished his second helping of scrambled eggs and fried liver pieces. I was busy polishing off a fourth serving of scrambled eggs and fried potatoes. The White King had noticed.

"Healthy appetite, you've got."

"I believe in eating while I have the chance. After Cheshire and I leave here, we might not get much for the rest of our journey. I'm sure you've noticed that there's quite a bit less of me than there was the last time I came through here."

"Yes, I noticed. I wasn't going to say anything. I assumed that you had suffered hard times."

"That's putting it mildly."

"I shall ask no more. No need recounting unpleasant memories."

Cheshire and I took our leave and exited the castle. As we crossed the main square in front of the castle, we encountered my Gnome seamstress doing the cowgirl on top of a White Knight. I couldn't resist the temptation and began to sing "What's a Nice Girl Like You Doing on a Knight Like This?" My Gnome seamstress gave me a funny look and continued to "ride" her bronco.

"Go away!" she said. "Can't you see I'm busy?"

Cheshire continued to stare. I motioned to him to come along.

"Your seamstress actually looked attractive," said Cheshire. "I don't think I've ever seen a Gnome woman with makeup on before."

"That's what makeup is for, Cheshire. To make women look more attractive."

"Why don't you ever wear it?"

"I never felt the need for it. When I was heavier, I had a natural rosy blush in the cheeks. I sure don't have that now. I'm curious, Cat. What is the White King's feminine ideal? He said that you already know."

"On your previous trip through Wonderland, he said that you were about as perfect as women come. He said you had the right amount of everything: not too much and definitely not too little. He emphasized that part about not too little."

I had to spend a moment thinking about this. Just a moment. An important realization came to me.

"No wonder he got such a kick out watching me stuff my face. Cat, I do believe that we need to leave Pale Realm tomorrow morning. We'll say our good-byes and be off to Hatter's Castle."

"Any reason for this sudden desire to depart before our week of welcome is up?"

"I think if I stick around the entire week, the White King will ask me to stay and be his Queen. Not happening. I'm not the settling down type. I'm also not willing to let anybody put a White Queen's crown on my head. Look at what happened to that Pawn that queened! No, no. Not me! I don't want to spend the rest of my life looking like John Kerry!"

"A wise decision. I was wondering how long it would take you to realize this."

Cheshire and I spent the rest of the day wandering around Pale Realm and enjoying the sights. Architecture, paintings, statues and sculptures, it was all quite lovely. By the time evening came and the light had subsided, the pall of Wonderland Weed hung over the entire kingdom, and copulating couples everywhere made it difficult to walk. Cheshire and I went back to our room. I took advantage of the oportunity to take another shower and set my clothes out again to be laundered. After breakfast the next day, I had my Jabberwock Eyestaff, and Cheshire and I set off for Hatter's Castle. And the Big Fuckin' Boob Gun.

End of Chapter 12

This story is based on the characters created by American McGee. EA (Electronic Arts) owns the copyrights. Suggested listening: "What's a Nice Girl Like You Doing on a Knight Like This?" which is taken from Bill Osco's "Alice in Wonderland."

Chapter 13: Chapter 13  
Chapter 13: "A Mad Tea Party"

"Look, Cat! There's a signpost up ahead!"

"Straight ahead to the 'Crazy Inventor' and back the way we came to 'Evil Commies' which I presume means Pale Realm."

"Why are the enlightened ones always despised?"

"They don't give the disaffected someone to look down upon. It's a lot harder to actually do something about problems than just target scapegoats."

"Are we scapegoats, Cheshire?"

"Pffffffffffffttttttt! Alice, we're terrorists. We oppose the Red Queen. We're the worst in Wonderland."

"So who are the scapegoats in Wonderland?"

"Isn't it obvious? Those poor wretches whom we liberated from those lockboxes and chastity belts. The Red Queen has obviously decided that there are too many Gnomes in Wonderland. She was probably ranting and raving about them breeding like bunnies."

"Why is the Hatter considered 'crazy'?"

"You're just full of questions, today, aren't you? Hatter is considered crazy because he invents for the joy of creation instead of profit. The Red Queen does not understand the immaterial aspects of life. The accumulation of wealth and property is all she understands. She does not understand the concept of 'enough' either."

"Is that Hatter's Castle I see up ahead, Cat?"

"I believe it is. It's too colorful to be anyone else's."

"This approach sure beats the hell out of having the floor collapse underneath me in Hatter's Funhouse."

"I don't believe you'd survive such a fall this time, Alice."

"And just why not?"

"Not nearly as much flesh on the backside to land on. You literally bounced the previous time."

I reached around behind and tried to find something to pinch. Nothing. Absolutely nothing. I thought about Hatter's hard wooden chairs.

"Cat, I'm going to be in pain sitting on Hatter's wooden chairs this time, aren't I?"

"I believe so, but you'll get through it just like you get through everything else."

Cheshire and I continued walking in silence. The landscape on the approach to Hatter's Castle was rather colorful. Not as green and colorful as the Vale of Tears with all its flowers and exotic plants, but close. Unique to the area around Hatter's Castle were black orchids. I had heard rumors that they were poisonous and decided not to touch or sniff them. They were spectacular to look at, though. About three feet tall. About as tall as the average Gnome woman.

Cheshire and I walked up to a moat around Hatter's Castle. This was new. I wondered what was to prevent us from just swimming across to the other side of the bank.

"Don't even think of diving in," said Cheshire.

"And why not, Cat? It looks like an easy way to get across."

"Ever hear of Candiru fish?"

"And what is that?"

"It's a very tiny fish that will swim up the genitals of men and women. Want a fish up your puss?"

"You've got to be kidding."

"They're parasitic catfish that are also known as vampire fish for an obvious reason. Hatter has them in his moat. I am not about to jump in."

I looked around and saw a sign with a picture of a fish jumping out of the moat into a man's peeing pecker. Yup, that oughta work. I looked in the opposite direction and saw more signs with the same picture. The signs were all around the moat. True or not, the signs would sure discourage any rational person from diving into the water.

"So what do we do now?"

"We wait for Hatter to notice that he has guests. He'll recognize me instantly. You he might have trouble recognizing. You're not the baby-faced cutie that he remembers."

"I'm an uncutie?"

"Yup."

While we were occupied, the drawbridge was slowly dropping. Cheshire poked me.

"Looks like our invitation has arrived."

Hatter showed up across the bridge and raced to meet us.

"Come in! Come in, my dears! You're just in time for the Annual Mad Tea Party when I invite American politicians from the future to come to tea with me!"

"You've got a time machine?" I stared at Hatter incredulously.

"Well, it's not really a machine. It's Caterpillar. He figured out how to create portals which open into the past and future. He's been dropping portals beneath the feet of American presidential candidates of the future. Come my dears and meet our American guests!"

"It doesn't sound like you actually invite them. You just snatch them."

"I invite them to Tea after Caterpillar snatches them. One look at Caterpillar and they agree to anything."

I looked at Cheshire and he looked back. This sure caught both of us by surprise. Hatter prattled on.

"Oh you should have been here last year! Last year we had guests from the American presidential election of 2008. Barack Obama was here. Every time he uttered bullshit his nose grew. His nose grew so long that it stretched all the way to the moat and dropped in. Those Candiru fish swam up his nose and ate his brains. No wonder his presidency was such a disaster!"

"How do you know that his presidency was a disaster?"

"Why, I read 'The Times' front page in some of Caterpillar's portals. He's quite expert at filling an entire portal with just the front page of a newspaper. With each passing year, Barack Obama just got worse and worse. His rhetoric and his actions were quite the opposite. Oh, yes! He could wax poetic about his desire to help the poor and then turn around and make a disastrous deal with opposing politicians. All those poor American saps who believed his hot air about 'Hope and Change.' Did they ever get shafted! Of course, what can you expect from a man who fed his brains to fish?"

"Who are your guests this year?" I asked.

"We've got Hillary Clinton, Scottie Walker, and Marco Rubio."

"Never heard of any of them."

"Well, of course. They're from the far future. They're also Americans."

"I don't care about any of this, you know. We've got enough problems here in Wonderland without you going looking for other problems."

"The Americans of the future have such problems that they make Wonderland look good by comparison."

I sighed. "Let's go meet your guests." Since they were politicians, I just assumed they'd all be idiots. Still, I was not prepared for idiots like these. No, no. These American politicians from the future were such astounding imbeciles that I was amazed that their brains instructed their noses to inhale.

There were five guests at Hatter's Tea Table. I recognized the first two instantly.

"I know you! You're the Dormouse!"

The Dormouse exploded. "I am not a mouse! My name is Scott Walker! I am not a mouse! I am not a mouse! Zzzzzzzzzzzzzz..."

"Yeah, whatever, Dormouse," I said.

"And I know you, too!" I said. "You're the March Hare!"

The March Hare was guzzling glass after glass of iced tea. He was one thirsty hare! He looked up at me with iced tea drizzling off his chin.

"I am not the March Hare! I'm Marco Rubio and I'm a candidate for President of the United States!"

The March Hare poured more iced tea down his gullet getting only about half of it actually down his throat. The rest was on his chin, shirt, and suit. This guy wanted to be President of the United States? He couldn't even find his mouth without a mirror.

There was an older woman sitting at the table elegantly coiffed and wearing a business-like pants suit. I looked at Hatter and whispered.

"Didn't I kill the Duchess on my last trip through?"

"That's not the Duchess," Hatter replied.

"Sure looks like her. Her face is a bit rounder, but I swear that's the Duchess!"

"Nobody has ever mistaken me for the Duchess of Cambridge before!" said the woman.

"That's Hillary Clinton. She's a candidate for President of the United States. Those two guys are Republican candidates. They have to compete against each other in a primary election. Mrs. Clinton doesn't seem to have any opponents yet."

Hillary Clinton began a spiel about the need to support the hard-pressed American middle class with more and better jobs. Then she began to explain how more free trade treaties would improve opportunities for the middle class. Her head started to spin.

Hatter looked at me and explained. "That happens every time Mrs. Clinton opens her mouth. She starts mouthing pseudo-populist left-of-center rhetoric about the need to support the middle class and then proposes right-wing policies that are certain to make matters worse. Thus her head spins. You can't talk left and right at the same time. Your head will spin right off."

Mrs. Clinton kept yapping about the middle class and her head just kept spinning faster and faster. A few sentences later her head popped clean off and rose up into the air higher and higher and higher. Damn that thing could spin! Hatter and Cheshire came over to my side and began to sing.

Would you like to ride in my Hillary balloon?

Would you like to ride in my Hillary balloon?

We could float among the stars together, Hill and I

For we can fly we can fly

Up, up and away

My beautiful, my Hillary balloon

The world's a nicer place in my Hillary balloon

It wears a nicer face in my Hillary balloon

We can sing a song and sail along the silver sky

For bullshit flies, it really flies

Up, up and away

Hillary's head stopped spinning and came crashing back to earth. Right through Hatter's Tea Party table. Great big hole in the middle of the table. Cheshire looked at me with an enormous grin under his mass of whiskers.

"Oh dear!" he said. "Hillary has fallen and she can't get up!"

I looked at the twins at the end of the table. Two decaying farts in Charlie Brown shirts. I looked at Hatter again.

"Didn't I kill the Tweedle twins the last time through?"

"Those aren't the Tweedle twins," whispered Hatter. "They're Charles and David Koch. They bicker constantly, and they completely own the Republican Party."

The Dormouse and the March Hare began bickering with each other as they vied for the attention of the twins. Meanwhile the twins were bickering with each other over the best candidate to carry the banner for pure laissez-faire capitalism. I looked straight at them as they bickered and tried to start a conversation.

"So which one of you guys in the Charlie Brown shirts is Tweedledum and which one is Tweedledee?" Yes, I knew that I was being obnoxious. The two rich guys stopped bickering and surprised me with a reply.

"We're the Koch brothers and we own everything. We own own almost all of the politicians, the Supreme Court, many state governments, so many businesses we don't know the number, numerous think tanks, and we've considered purchasing newspapers. They're isn't anything we don't have our fingers in."

"You sound like assholes to me."

"Assholes with money. Lots and lots and lots of money." The taller one stood up and stuck his nose in the air.

"Fuck you!" I said to the Koch brother standing up. Hatter looked horrified and realized that his pleasant little tea party was going to hell.

"Very well! As you wish!" said the Koch brother standing up. He unzipped his pants and whipped out his dispenser.

"You may suck it!" he announced haughtily.

"I don't suck," I announced, twirling my Vorpal Blade in the air on my fingertip.

The Dormouse and the March Hare, on the other hand, had come to blows for the privilege of sucking a Koch brother. The other Koch brother, the shorter one, stood up and unzipped his pants.

"Now boys, boys! There's enough for everyone! No need to fight!"

The Dormouse, AKA Scottie Walker, latched on to a Koch dispenser and began sucking mightily. The March Hare, AKA Marco Rubio, latched on to the other Koch dispenser.

"So thirsty!" announced the March Hare. "So, so thirsty!"

"Look at those two piglets go!" whispered an astonished Hatter to me. "Like lost souls in a desert!"

I looked at Hatter shaking my head. "This is the stupidest tea party I've ever been to!"

End of Chapter 13

This story is based on the characters created by American McGee. EA (Electronic Arts) owns the copyrights. "Up, Up, and Away" was written by Jimmy L. Webb. "You may suck it!" scene is an homage to Bill Osco's Alice in Wonderland.

Chapter 14: Chapter 14  
Chapter 14: "Speed of Lightning, Roar of Thunder"

"Please get rid of these idiots, Hatter! Send them all back to where they came from!"

"As you wish, my dear." Hatter detached the two piglets from their dispensaries and herded the entire crowd back to Caterpillar to deport them back their own times.

The deed done, Hatter came back and offered to introduce me to guests of that same time that might be more to my taste.

"Anyone would be preferable to that clown parade you just had in here!"

Hatter speeded off to Caterpillar for a few more kidnappings. I wondered why Hatter couldn't just round up his own guests in Wonderland. Then it hit me that either the two Queens or I had killed just about everybody but the Gnomes and the Card Guards. Rounding up a tea party in Wonderland was mission impossible, unless you wanted a room full of Gnomes who had no taste for tea.

Hatter came back with a fat, sloppy dude in a baseball cap, a cartoonist, and a woman in a dog suit with a cape. The fat dude and the cartoonist were trying to get the woman to run for President of the U.S. in 2016.

"Still more presidential candidates, Hatter?" I asked.

"Just one, this time. The woman in the dog suit."

I leaned across the table and eyed the woman in the dog suit. A blond aged professor type who looked quite well-preserved. Rather attractive, really, if a man was not insistent on young, nubile jiggly types.

"What's with the dog suit?"

"People keep pestering me to run for President. They think I'm some kind of savior. The U.S. political system is so dysfunctional that I wouldn't be able to accomplish anything if I did get elected. Look what the Republicans did to Obama during his term."

"This is Victorian England in 1871. I have no knowledge of the U.S. political system during your time."

"It hasn't changed a bit since your time. It was dysfunctional in your time and it's still dysfunctional in my time. I don't think there's any hope of changing it."

"Then why are you in politics?"

"I was pushed in."

The fat dude and the cartoonist began pleading with the woman in the dog suit to run for President. I looked at Hatter.

"Introductions, please?"

Hatter obliged me. The woman in the dog suit was Elizabeth Warren, a U.S. Senator and populist crusader who said aloud what no one else dared to. She had no fear of offending the "money people" who controlled so much of what went on in the U.S. government. The fat dude was Michael Moore who was a leading documentarian of the period who had the gift of being funny merely by opening his mouth. When he wasn't shoving food into it. The cartoonist was Garry Trudeau who was known for the quasi-editorial comic strip Doonesbury. Mr. Moore got down on his knees in front of Mrs. Warren and began to beg.

"Please Mrs. Warren! You have to run! If you don't, we'll get Hillary and that will be another four years of Obama! Maybe even worse."

Mr. Moore and Mr. Trudeau wrapped arms around each other's necks and began to sing:

Awooo, awooo, awooo, awooo, awooo, awooo

When criminals in this world appear

and break the laws that they should fear

and frighten all who see or hear

the cry goes up both far and near

for Underdog! Underdog! Underdog! Underdog!

Speed of lightning, roar of thunder

fighting all who rob or plunder

Underdog. Underdog!

when in this world the headlines read

of those whose hearts are filled with greed

who rob and steal from those who need

to right this wrong with blinding speed

goes Underdog! Underdog! Underdog! Underdog!

speed of lightning, roar of thunder

fighting all who rob or plunder

Underdog. Underdog!

Mrs. Warren winced. "Hey, Caterpillar! I know you're watching! Could I please have back my regular clothes?" Right before my eyes a hazy distortion turned Mrs. Warren's dog suit and cape into a classic lady professor's pants suit. I blinked. I wondered if I had really seen that. Was Hatter's iced tea spiked? "Thank you!" shouted Mrs. Warren to the out-of-sight Caterpillar. She seemed not the least disturbed at what had just happened. Mrs. Warren turned to Mr. Moore and the cartoonist.

"As long as the U.S. House of Representatives remains gerrymandered in favor of the Republicans and unrepresentative of the actual wishes of the voters, running for President is a fool's errand. As long as a minority of 40 Republican Senators can completely gum up a Democratic administration that controls all three branches of government, running for President is a fool's errand. As long as the Citizens United decision in the Supreme Court allows unlimited corporate speech, running for President is a fool's errand. My function in the Senate is primarily educational. I bring up the issues that everyone else is afraid to address for fear of losing campaign funding. Filibuster reform has to be the top priority in the Senate. As long as the Senate remains an undemocratic body that requires a 60% majority to get anything done, positive change in the U.S. in anything other than the most tiny increments will remain impossible."

Mrs. Warren gave a long sigh. Mr. Moore and Mr. Trudeau looked at each other and nodded. It was obvious that they understood that Mrs. Warren was right. I, of course, had little idea what their discussion was really about, but I could read their faces. The disappointment and fatalism was obvious.

"Send me home, Caterpillar!" shouted Mrs. Warren. A portal appeared beside the chairs of each of the three Americans from the future. Mr. Moore nodded to Hatter.

"Thank you for your hospitality and a most interesting experience!" Moore laughed. "Nobody at home is going to believe this!" Moore stepped into his portal first. Then Mrs. Warren and Mr. Trudeau followed.

I looked at Hatter. "Don't you have some new weapons to show me?"

End of Chapter 14

This story is based on the characters created by American McGee. EA (Electronic Arts) owns the copyrights. The Underdog theme was written by W. Watts Biggers, Chet Stover, Joe Harris, and Treadwell Covington.

Chapter 15: Chapter 15  
Chapter 15: "Alice Gets a Big Fuckin' Gun"

Hatter led me into his laboratory, and I stared awestruck at all the equipment on worktables lining the walls. Along one wall was all of his chemistry experiments with flasks, bottles of chemicals, Bunsen Burners, mixing equipment, and storage jars. Along another wall appeared to be experiments with robotics. All sorts of mechanical equipment, gears, levers, wheels, valves, and pumps littered the tables. Along the third wall appeared to be some sort of weapons fabrication workshop. All sorts of partially completed guns and melee weapons filled the tables. There was also a metal forge of the type you saw in blacksmith shops. I had the feeling that Hatter had more brain cells in his eyebrows than I had in my entire head.

"Come, my dear! Here it is! My autoinjector dart gun! It has six chambers in a revolving cylinder and is loaded with six autoinjecting syringes which can be filled with any poison you choose."

"How about dark orange mushroom extract?"

Hatter looked at me astonished. "Alice, this is a weapon to be used against enemies! Not something to be used for vanity!"

"Right!" I said. "Dark orange mushroom extract in a large enough quantity would completely immobilize an enemy. Right?"

Hatter looked thoughtful for a moment and began to chuckle. "Alice, my dear, you are an evil genius!" He began to cackle as, no doubt, images of the Red Queen and Queen of Hearts completely immobilized by enormous, gargantuan, field-filling mammaries bounced and wobbled in his head.

"We could turn the Queen of Hearts into a trampoline!" he cackled. He turned serious for a moment.

"If I gave you an autoinjector dart gun with dark orange mushroom extract filled syringes, I would feel compelled to give you the usual warning given to Spade Card Guards," said Hatter.

"And what is that?" I asked.

"Don't shoot yourself in the foot! Or the ass!"

I looked over my shoulder at my backside.

"I'd have to aim mighty carefully to hit my backside."

Hatter erupted into guffaws. "You sure ain't the lush, jiggly sexpot I remember from the past! But that's okay. All that extra flesh, I'm sure, weighed you down a bit in combat."

"I don't really remember it getting in the way except for a few occasions when I had to shove my boobs out of the way. My butt saved my life quite a few times when I fell or was knocked off of a high platform. I practically bounced. You think I could bounce on this thing?" I waved my scrawny arse in Hatter's face. I didn't have one thing on my body that jiggled.

"No, dear. You couldn't possibly bounce on that!" Hatter chuckled again. "Come, my dear, I have another possible weapon for you to use. Behold my newest invention! The Vibrator Muscle Exerciser!"

I stared at the device. "Is that a dildo?"

"No! No! No!" exclaimed Hatter. "This device will, when used, give you about thirty seconds of greatly enhanced strength in the thigh muscles!"

"And what would I do with that?"

Hatter held up a thin, wooden shell. "Imagine that this is a Card Guard's head." Hatter placed the thin, wooden shell between his thighs and squeezed them together. The shell cracked. "Any questions?" asked Hatter.

I suddenly realized what I could do with the Vibrator Muscle Exerciser. I could jump from one Card Guard neck to another cracking one head open after another. There was just one problem.

"Ummmm... Hatter? Wouldn't I have to literally stick my puss in a Card Guard's face to crack his skull?"

"So the Card Guard dies happy! What's the problem, my dear?"

I realized that discussing this with Hatter would be completely useless. I resolved to gracefully accept the weapon and work out the sordid details later. Hatter had one last weapon for me.

"For lack of a better term, I call it 'The Bitch Pill.' Remember rage potion? This is rage potion in convenient, portable, pill form!"

"Wonderful!" I thought. "Just what I need!" I thought. What woman doesn't need menstrual cramps in convenient pill form?

"I have one last item for you," said Hatter. "You'll need something to carry all your weapons in. I have a sort of backpack for you to carry them in. It's actually smaller and lighter than a backpack, but it has enough space to carry the Autoinjector Dart Gun, the Vibrator Muscle Exerciser, and maybe a few other items a bit large for your apron pockets. I'll also create a light orange mushroom extract antidote autoinjector for you in case you do accidentally shoot yourself with your dart gun. It will take a bit of time to get everything ready for you. I'll have it all for you tomorrow morning."

With that, Hatter led me off to my guest room, stomach growling furiously. Hatter was oblivious. Did he really live off of nothing but tea? Next morning he had all of my loot ready for me just as promised. After I picked it up, he took me down a corridor I hadn't been down yet. A delicious odor tickled my nose.

"Cake! Hatter, I smell cake!"

"Yes, dear. My pastry shop."

"Cake! I love cake! I gotta have some! Please take me to your bakery!"

"Don't panic, dear!"

"I GOTTA HAVE CAKE! GIMMIE SOME CAKE!"

Hatter led me down the corridor to a room with ornate French double doors. Hatter's pastry shop. Cakes lined the walls. Cake here. Cake there. Cake everywhere. Chocolate cake. Vanilla cake. Carrot cake. Green tea cake. Tea biscuits. Scones. It was fat chick paradise. I grabbed a chocolate cake and shoved my face in.

"Find something you like, dear?"

I turned around, chocolate icing smeared all over my face.

"Good grief, did you inhale that cake all in one bite?"

I swallowed hard. Thunk! I felt a big piece of cake land in my stomach. "Three bites," I said. I grabbed a carrot cake and gobbled it down in three bites as well. "I haven't had anything to eat since Pale Realm!" I grabbed a lemon cake and scarfed it down.

"I always knew you had a keen appetite, but not like this!" said Hatter. "Take whatever you want. I do not want to witness this display of gluttony." Hatter closed the door behind him.

I woke up in my bed in the asylum. Icing and melted chocolate smeared my sheets. Cookie crumbs were embedded in the icing and melted chocolate. Candy wrappers littered the floor. Two large empty boxes with empty candy wrappers lay in the floor. I had polished off one of Reverend Dodgson's care packages in one sitting.

I moved to sit up. I couldn't. I collapsed backward and reached under my dress to rub my stomach. Tight as a bongo drum. I tried to sit up again. Impossible. I collapsed backward. My entire midsection throbbed. If I rolled over on my stomach, I was sure I would puke a river. If I sneezed or hiccupped, I was sure I would puke a river. I lay back and panted just to breathe. An unpleasant realization just hit me.

"Fuck me, I have to pee."

End of Chapter 15

This story is based on the characters created by American McGee. EA (Electronic Arts) owns the copyrights.

Chapter 16: Chapter 16  
Chapter 16: "Useful Information"

The idiot twins came by and peered into my room through the open bars in the top half of the door. I had no idea which twin was which. They were the same height and wore identical clothes. Their voices were the same high-pitched whine.

"She didn't puke! Pay up!"

"Damn! I thought she would have exploded by now!"

The idiot twins sauntered off down the hallway and Nurse Dot appeared in front of my door with a key. The lock turned and she entered.

"Finally woke up from your trance, I see. You've been glassy-eyed all Sunday. You got the care package from the Reverend this morning and you just went into auto-consume mode for the entire day. You just kept shoveling and shoveling and shoveling. You started to look so swelled that I tried to take the box away from you, but you hissed at me like a very large cat. You didn't seem to recognize me at all. I thought it best to keep my distance and just let you continue. Can you sit up?"

"Nope." I swiveled on my back and let my feet dangle over the side of the bed. "Can you help me stand up?"

Nurse Dot came over and pulled me up as I tried to avoid bending my midsection in any way. I waddled into the bathroom and realized that I was going to have to pee standing up - and probably splatter like a man. In my own bathroom. Damn. I lifted the lid, dropped my asylum-issued granny panties to the floor,backed over the pot, and unleashed the torrent. Pity that women don't come equipped with point-and-shoot like men. When I finished and had hitched my granny panties back up with my leg, Nurse Dot came into the bathroom and leaned against the wall. She had some ratty carbon-copied sheets of paper stapled together in her hand.

"What are those?"

"This? Just Twilight fanfiction. I'm done with it if you want it."

I took the sheets and tore the corner with the staple off.

"Now it's toilet paper," I said. I used two sheets to wipe my splatter on the toilet rim. Probably the first time Twilight fanfiction was ever useful for anything. I looked at the floor and heaved a sigh of relief. I had managed to avoid splattering the floor like a man. Nurse Dot had some interesting information for me.

"Our administrator lives completely alone. No housekeeper. Doesn't trust anyone in his house when he's not there."

"Very interesting. And very useful. Does he see anyone outside of work?"

"I don't think so," said Nurse Dot.

"So if he disappeared, it would be days before anyone noticed?"

Nurse Dot put her fingers to her lips. It was obvious that she meant "Yes." I nodded to Nurse Dot and smiled. I waddled back to my bed and dropped on it. It didn't take me long to fall asleep.

End of Chapter 16

This story is based on the characters created by American McGee. EA (Electronic Arts) owns the copyrights.

Chapter 17: Chapter 17  
Chapter 17: "The Wisest in Wonderland"

I woke up in one of Hatter's guest rooms with Cheshire curled up on the foot of the bed. Hatter had my new backpack with my new weapons leaning up against the wall outside next to the room. He had also wrapped up several pieces of cake for me to take with me. I took a quick shower in the bathroom and got dressed. Cheshire took care of business in a litter box that Hatter had politely provided. Cheshire did know how to use a toilet, but it was awkward for him to say the least.

This time taking a meal with Hatter was a normal affair. Scrambled eggs, fried potatoes, bacon, toast, and grape juice that came from Hatter's own vineyards. Hatter led Cheshire and me to a path behind his castle and informed me that it led directly to a corner of the Land of Fire and Ice that I always called "Caterpillar's Plot." It was the place with the Oracle Cave. Hatter thought that I should consult Caterpillar before plotting any attempt at overthrowing the two queens.

Hatter lowered his drawbridge and waved good-bye as Cheshire and I trudged up the slight incline toward Caterpillar's Plot. The path was possibly unique in Wonderland. It snaked through a broad meadow full of flowers, grasses, low shrubs, and a few small, scraggly trees. The path itself was of rough-hewn red bricks. I felt like Dorothy on the way to the Emerald City.

It was quite a few miles to Caterpillar's Plot, and it became clear that Cheshire and I were going to have to sleep out in the open. I chose a grassy spot underneath a tree near the top of a hill which had low cover circling it blocking the view. I had some of the cake that Hatter had wrapped up for me and offered some to Cheshire, but he refused reminding me that cats are carnivores. Cheshire, of course, slept with one eye open whenever I was asleep.

We reached Caterpillar in his Oracle Cave by noon the next day. On my previous trip to Caterpillar's Plot, my encounter with Humpty-Dumpty had caused me to forget completely about visiting Caterpillar before leaving. I was so excited upon hearing about Hatter's new autoinjector dart gun that I headed straight for Hatter's Castle, which required passing through Pale Realm first. It had been awhile since I had seen Caterpillar.

I could see hookah smoke as I approached Caterpillar's cave. I decided to announce my arrival.

"Greetings you smooshy layabout! Alice and Cheshire at your door! Permission to enter?"

Permission was granted. At first sight, Caterpillar looked me up and down in a way that made me a bit uncomfortable. I wondered what he was thinking.

"I had heard from Wonderland's rumor mill that you were a half-starved sack of bones who was incapable of giving Humpty-Dumpty his inspiration back. You look better. It seems Wonderland has been good to you."

Cheshire entered the conversation. "Specifically a Card Guard compound in Wonderland Woods, the White King in Pale Realm, and Hatter's pastry shop. She's been binging her way through Wonderland."

I was a bit embarrassed as they were talking about my body. Caterpillar turned his attention to me.

"Before you get any ideas about attacking the two queens, you will need Humpty Dumpty's services. It would be best if he got his inspiration back and went back to performing his old noble function of sexually servicing the female royals whose husbands gag at the sight of them. Before you get any ideas about charging into Queensland with an undisciplined band of rebels, let Humpty have a try at restoring the balance of Wonderland."

"Humpty's inspiration was my jiggling butt. He forgot what it looked like and I sure am not able to remind him of what he forgot," I said. I turned around and shook my deflated caboose in front of Caterpillar.

"It's not exactly flat back there, Alice. Not anymore."

"What?"

"You're a smaller lass than you used to be, but there's definitely some meat back there. There's some meat in a few other places as well."

I was confused. I reached around and felt my caboose. It wasn't all bone back there anymore. I felt some squish. I poked around on the rest of my body. I had a bit of padding on and around the hips. I placed my hands on my chest. I had more than walnuts up there. Maybe A-cups. I wasn't really a flatsie anymore. Caterpillar watched my reaction.

"You actually seem rather pleased. Most human women would not be so tickled."

I was tickled. I was finally getting my figure back. I touched my face and had to ask.

"Cheshire, how does my face look?"

"You've got cheeks again. You're starting to look like your old self. Your cute babyface looks like it's returning."

My old babyface is what I wanted back more than anything else. Even the cleavage that I had once had. Every time I saw my bony face in a reflection, I cringed. I didn't look like me at all. I thought I was homely. Some women just do not look good with a thin face. I was a real-life Bridget Jones.

Caterpillar gave me a tour of his cave, something he had never done before. He had furnished "rooms" in his cave near the front. He had a dining area. He had one "room" which had a chimney of sorts in the ceiling and had his stove, his cooking equipment, and a pantry. Further back in his cave were mushroom growing areas. He had mushrooms of all types growing back in his cave. One "room" had a spring which slowly dribbled into a shallow pool on a pedestal. The pedestal had a small stream coming from it which went into the mushroom growing areas. Everywhere was lit by candles held in candelabra which were mounted on the walls of the cave. I looked closely at the ornate silver candelabras and saw that they had multiple thick screws going directly into the cave wall. I was surprised that none of the screws looked the slightest bit rusty.

"Would you like to stay awhile, Alice? Rest up a bit before your battles?"

I didn't know it then, but Caterpillar was planning to give Humpty-Dumpty his inspiration back. What can I say? Caterpillar was a fabulous cook.

End of Chapter 17

This story is based on the characters created by American McGee. EA (Electronic Arts) owns the copyrights.

Version 2

Chapter 18: Chapter 18  
Chapter 18: "All Hail the Whores!"

I woke up in my bed in the Asylum feeling both rested and disoriented. I had no idea what time or day it was. Noise in the hallway told me that it was morning and time for breakfast. Monday? Talk about a lost weekend. I got dressed without showering and scurried off for breakfast. Muttering that I overheard from other tables made it clear to me that another one of the friendless wretches getting only three bowls of porridge a day had died of starvation and had vanished into the maws of the trash incinerator. More ashes for the vegetable garden. This I already knew to be a regular event. Two or three times a year, perhaps. I also sensed the mood was uglier than usual. When I returned to my room to prepare for work in Rutledge's vegetable gardens, I found Nurse Dot waiting for me.

"I've got more information for you. Our dear administrator has no regular contacts outside of work. Practically a hermit. He lives like Ebenezer Scrooge completely alone. If he died, we'd be the only ones who would notice. Some of the residents who are living on those miserable three bowls of porridge a day have jokingly spoken of eating him. Would be a fitting conclusion for a man who enriches himself by starving others to death."

"We don't have to kill him," I whispered. I stepped out my door and looked down the hallway in both directions to see if anyone was around. All clear. I continued whispering in as low a voice as possible. The walls were too thick for my neighbors to hear. "I have a better way. You know those prostitutes down in that cage in the basement? They're not insane. They're quite rational. I went down there one day after the idiot twins had cut out early on work and talked to them. The key to my room also unlocks their cage. All we have to do is unlock their cage on a day when our dear administrator goes down there to leer at the animals. Our ladies of the evening can burst out of their cage and drag him in there for some fun. I wonder how long our dear leader's ticker can hold out while receiving the tender attentions of five professional prostitutes who know how to give a man one boner after another. How many boners do you think he could survive? Wouldn't that be a kick if the doctor had to call for a City of London coroner to verify that Dear Leader died while having sex with multiple prostitutes in an insane asylum? Can you imagine what the newspapers would do with this? The gossip sheets? The scandal rags? What a fitting denouement! Oh the delicious disgrace!"

Nurse Dot smiled at me. "We have a plan. You also have to go to the medical center for your monthly examination. It has now been two months. You still have one more month before your scheduled release." Nurse Dot backed up and looked me over. Then she stepped up and tugged, pushed, and pulled on my size 14 pinafore that I had gotten in a care package from the Reverend.

"That dress is getting close to fitting. I'm quite sure you'll be issued new underthings. I'm sure what you've got is too small." Nurse Dot backed up and looked me over.

"You look nice. Much better than before. Especially your face."

"Do I look pretty again?" Yes, I know. I'm quite vain about my face. When I was a small child, people used to make quite a fuss over how pretty I was. In the asylum, my face literally caved inward on itself. I transformed from a pretty little princess into a gaunt-faced teenager with a nose like an American fashion model.

"Yes, you do." Nurse Dot hadn't hesitated with her answer. She backed up and looked me over again. "You may have already hit your target weight for release. Want me to stop bringing extra meals?"

"Nope. Just keep bringing them. I'll know when to stop. One thing you don't know about me is that I've been through this being prepped for release before. About two and a half years ago, my grandparents found out that I had awakened from my catatonia. They wanted me released. Just as with the Reverend, the administrator panicked and had me stuffed like a goose for three months before I was supposed to be released. Then some busybody city worker decided that my grandparents were too old. My release was cancelled. The asylum had me on three bowls of porridge a day the very next day. My gorgeous, high, prominent C-cup breasts deflated. My 30-inch waist turned into a bomb crater. All my ribs ended up showing. My collarbone ended up sticking out. My rounded, completely smooth 42-inch hips that looked so spectacular in a dress vanished. My hipbones ended up sticking out and my pelvis became visible. I transformed from the voluptuous, rounded, full-cheeked Victorian ideal to a walking cadaver. I miss what I had. I'm ecstatic to finally be getting my face back."

"I didn't know you had been through this being prepped for release before," said Nurse Dot. "I can't imagine how you must have felt to have release snatched away from you at the last moment."

"Visions of chowing down on a certain city worker danced in my head."

"Visions of our Dear Leader croaking in the prostitutes' cage in the basement are dancing in my head."

Nurse Dot and I clasped our hands together and whispered simultaneously, "All hail the whores!" It took a long time for us to stop laughing.

End of Chapter 18

This story is based on the characters created by American McGee. EA (Electronic Arts) owns the copyrights.

Chapter 19: Chapter 19  
Chapter 19: "The Pheromone Grenade"

I woke up disoriented. Until I looked around the room, I had no idea which world I was in. Cave walls. I was definitely in Wonderland. I remembered that I was in Caterpillar's Oracle Cave and that he had invited me to stay for awhile just as the White King had done in Pale Realm. Such a contrast to the other world where house guests were generally expected to stay as briefly as possible.

I dressed in a filmy gown that Caterpillar had provided, and went searching for the showers. There was plumbing in Caterpillar's cave, but the pipes were all out in the open. They snaked along the cave walls and weaved in and out of rooms. The showers turned out to be out in the back of the cave near an open area that had an opening in the ceiling to the outside allowing sunlight to flow in. This was Caterpillar's vegetable garden with just about everything you could imagine growing in between the wide flat rock walkways. Butterflies flitted everywhere. I showered inside a small alcove in the garden room. There was no drain pipe for the water. The room sloped slightly and the water simply exited the room through a small crevice in the rock. I wondered where Cheshire was. He always liked to pop up when I was naked. The furry little pervert.

After showering, I simply followed my nose to breakfast. Cheshire was already there with his face in a bowl of scrambled eggs. Breakfast for Caterpillar and me was a large plate of scrambled eggs with mushrooms and a glass of some fruit juice that I didn't recognize.

"So what's the plan for today, Caterpillar?" I asked.

"I'm going to introduce you to some weapons that I have obtained from the future. Do you want any more eggs and mushrooms?"

"Caterpillar, there was enough food on that plate for two breakfasts. No thanks. One plateful was enough."

"Very well then. Shall we go?"

"You don't want to clean off the table first?"

"I have a gnome employee who comes in and takes care of laundry, cleaning, and washing dishes. I do all of my own cooking, though. I also cook for my employees. They get the leftovers. I deliberately cook enough to produce leftovers."

"I noticed that you don't seem to have any equipment for laundry."

Caterpillar sighed. "I don't have any. My poor gnome employee has to haul my laundry all the way to Hatter's Castle and back. I wish there was a better solution, but I haven't thought of one. Pale Realm and Hatter's Castle are the only places I know of that have electric power and gas power. It's a good thing that my only laundry is bed sheets and pillow cases! I have a canister of gas for my stove and that's it. It's a real pain for my gnome employee to haul that thing to Hatter's Castle to get a refill."

"So, would you like to tell me about the weapons?"

"Ah, yes! Come with me." Caterpillar led me to the room with all of his time travel loot. He struck a match and proceeded to light the candles in the cadelabras. For a brief moment, I was distracted by the shadows dancing on the walls produced by the flickering candle flames.

"I like to call these little egg-shaped things 'Pheromone Grenades.' They're one of the few things I've taken from my guests from the future that Hatter has been able to reproduce. I've got about a dozen and you can have them all. Use them sparingly. When they're gone, they're gone. Hatter says they're dangerous to reproduce. Seems one went off in his lab."

"How did you get it?"

"From a British Secret Service agent from the 1960s. He was a bit of a jerk. First thing he did was ask for a martini that he insisted must be shaken and not stirred. I told him that I had no alcohol available. Then he asked where all the 'hot babes' were. I was unfamiliar with the term 'hot babes' and thought he meant sweating babies. He really annoyed me, so I just grabbed him, flipped him upside down, shook out his pockets, and sent him back. The Pheromone Grenade was one of the things that came out of his pockets. All of his stuff was dangerous."

"What does the Pheromone Grenade do?"

"It releases a large, white cloud of gas which spreads along the ground continuously as much as fifty feet. Anyone who inhales the gas goes mad with sexual desire. A word of caution, however: make sure you're out of sight when you throw it!"

"And how would I use this?"

"Toss one of these babies into a crowd of Card Guards and they'll all start humping each other!"

"Just like American prisons, eh?"

"Lose the 'eh.' It makes you sound like a Canadian."

"What's this thing? Looks like a turkey baster."

"Don't touch that! It makes women pregnant. With what I have no idea!"

"EEEEWWWW!" I dropped the thing. I had no desire to become pregnant. Ever.

Caterpillar had nothing more significant to show me. I spent the next two weeks there exploring the Land of Fire and Ice and listening to Caterpillar's reports of a small band of Gnomes gradually making their way to Queensland to meet up with White Chess pieces for an assault on the two Queens' castle. It was expected that I would join them when they were in position and lead the assault as I had done the last time after Gryphon's death. Curiosity consumed me and I just had to ask two stupid questions.

"Why can't the Gnomes just make their way to Queensland via one of your portals?"

Caterpillar looked at me astonished that I could possibly be unaware of the apparently universally known answer.

"The Gnomes are afraid of my portals. The fact that you're willing to pass through them is part of where your reputation for fearlessness has come from."

I was near speechless. All this time and I had been completely unaware. I had to follow up.

"But the Gnomes do that shrinking thing and teleport from one place to another. Why would they be afraid of your portals which do pretty much the same thing?"

"The Gnomes shrinking and teleporting trick is like Cheshire's disappearing act. It's short-range only. As you already know, my portals can cover vast distances. Remember that one time when I opened up that flaming sewer pipe to Hell?"

"Oh, yeah. I was impressed. I made a note of it that day never ever to piss you off."

Caterpillar chuckled. "I'd never do anything to harm you or anyone else in Wonderland for that matter. I could get rid of the two Queens with two portals, but I haven't done so because I keep hoping that they'll become reasonable when confronted with armed force - you and your allies. A weakness of mine: I believe in second chances. And redemption."

And now I had to ask my second stupid question.

"Just how do you always seem to know everything that is going on in Wonderland?"

"I have my sources. They're scattered all over Wonderland. Have you never noticed the doves in the treetops?"

"There are birds in Wonderland? I thought that the Gnomes' chickens were the only birds here."

"The chickens and the doves are the only birds here. You've never noticed the doves because they stay high in the trees. They nest only in the crowns of the tallest trees."

"You can talk to doves?"

"Yes."

"Now I've heard everything."

The only other significant thing during that two weeks was the fact that I found my ice wand in a second ice cave that I hadn't known about. This ice cave was located in the Land of Fire and Ice in the side of a mountain. Why it was so cold in this one cave and not the others was a mystery to me. Needless to say, I was overjoyed to find what was my most important melee weapon. Pity the bloody thing drained so quickly and required a whole day to recharge.

End of Chapter 19

This story is based on the characters created by American McGee. EA (Electronic Arts) owns the copyrights.

Chapter 20: Chapter 20  
Chapter 20: "How Humpty Got His Boner Back"

After two weeks, Caterpillar sent me out to visit Humpty at a secret little cubbyhole Humpty maintained in the Land of Fire and Ice. It wasn't really that far from the Oracle Cave. The little cubbyhole was inside a brick wall underneath a bridge. You'd never know it was there if someone didn't tell you. Just around the corner before you went underneath the bridge was a brick that was sticking out just a little in the wall. If you pressed it in, the door opened. You could shut or open the door from inside the little cubbyhole as well. There appeared to be no lock on the door. Humpty didn't spend much time there. According to Caterpillar, it was sort of a waystation for Humpty as he made his travels. Caterpillar had just gotten word from his sources - doves? - that Humpty was in.

"You should go see Humpty," Caterpillar told me. So off I went.

I got an interesting greeting from Humpty. It was actually a surprise. No mirrors in Caterpillar's Oracle Cave.

"Well, well... You look good. Like your old self the last time you came through." Humpty chuckled and pinched me on the cheeks. It didn't register for a moment.

"You look much better with cheeks," said Humpty. "Like a princess again."

I reached up and touched my face. I did have some flesh in the cheeks. They weren't caved in anymore.

"Do I look like a squirrel now?" I asked.

"No, no. Not at all. You look cute. Much better than before. Some women just do not look good with a thin face. You're one of them."

"Caterpillar sent me to you. Did you have some task for me in mind?"

"Not really. Has Caterpillar discussed with you that groups of Gnomes and Chess Pieces are now in position near Queensland and waiting for you to arrive?"

"Yes, he has mentioned that. That's where I'm off to next. He never told me why he wanted me to visit you first." Humpty looked me up and down in a way that really had me wondering just what he was seeing.

"Do I look that different?"

"Yes. All those places where that dress fit you loosely are now quite filled. Your dress fits perfectly. Caterpillar's cooking for the last two weeks has really done its job."

It finally hit me why Caterpillar wanted to keep me around for a few weeks. I had a task to perform with Humpty.

"Got any room in your lap for an old friend?" I'd been there many times in the past. No sense breaking tradition.

"But of course," said Humpty. He was never one to refuse me his lap.

I turned around to plop my behind in his lap and heard Humpty suddenly breath in. But not out. He muttered something under his breath. I sat down.

No sooner had I sat down than I felt myself slowly rising as if on an elevator. Up, up, up, up, ...

"I feel inspired!" exclaimed Humpty.

"I think I better hop down," I told Humpty. "Don't want to risk getting speared."

I hopped down and watched in awe as Humpty's famous 12-inch erection formed before my eyes stretching his "boner pants" way out in front of him. Humpty hopped down off his perch on the rock wall and walked away singing.

Hi ho! Hi ho!

It's off to fuck I go!

I decided that the Gnomes, Chess Pieces, and I should hold off on our assault and give Humpty a chance to work his magic. If Humpty were successful with the Queen of Hearts and Red Queen, the rest of us might be able to avoid a fight. Off our hero marched, singing his ditty, twelve-inch boner magnificently outlined in the evening light.

End of Chapter 20

This story is based on the characters created by American McGee. EA (Electronic Arts) owns the copyrights.

Chapter 21: Chapter 21  
Chapter 21: "In Humpty's Cubbyhole"

I needed a place to bed down for the night, and Humpty's cubbyhole seemed a reasonable option. It wasn't his real home, so I didn't feel like I would be invading his personal space. I just wanted a bed and a bathroom. I walked up to the wall, casually turned around just in case anyone was watching from a distance, and backed my butt up against the slightly protruding brick that opened Humpty's cubbyhole. It dawned on me as I pressed against the brick that my butt squished quite a bit before the brick pressed in.

I walked around the corner and found Humpty's cubbyhole with the door open. I looked around and saw that the cubbyhole was down far enough in the dip underneath the bridge that it would be difficult, if not impossible for anyone to see the open doorway if they were not underneath the bridge. I walked in and pressed a brick on the inside wall to close the door. I immediately looked around for a bathroom.

Humpty had a full-length mirror in his bathroom. Glory be for vanity! His and mine. I checked out my fanny in the full-length mirror and it didn't look absurdly large. It felt huge when I pressed it against the brick, but it looked okay in the dress. I had an obvious waistline which was considerably narrower than my bust or hips. I turned again in the mirror and actually felt rather sexy. I took off my dress and looked at myself in lingerie. In lingerie, my butt looked huge. So did my hips and thighs. In lingerie, I didn't feel so sexy. Cheshire chose that moment to pop up.

"You do know, Alice, that female body parts look larger when unclothed, don't you?"

"How nice of you to drop in, Cat! Right when I'm getting undressed. You always did like to see me naked, didn't you?"

"Not when you were a walking cadaver. You didn't have anything worth seeing."

"And now I'm worth seeing naked?"

"Now you're worth seeing naked. Not all bones sticking out any more. Nicely rounded in all the right spots. Even a bit of jiggle. Some jiggle is nice. Too little jiggle is just as bad as too much."

"Does the jiggle principle apply to cats?"

"Let's not get nasty, Alice. Some of my fur has grown back. Must be all those eggs. I do look better, hmmm...?"

"Yes, you do cat."

"Don't fret about your backside. It looks fine in a dress. Nice cleavage, too."

"I knew you'd get around to that."

"Have you wondered how your lingerie fits?"

"Yes, I have been wondering that. There's no way that the lingerie I arrived with could still fit me. I had absolutely no butt or boobs when I arrived. Now look at me." I took my bra off and peered in the mirror. My breasts hung just a little bit and the nipples had turned up. I poked them and they jiggled a bit. I poked again from the side and they even wobbled a little sideways. Cheshire watched me with his head tilted. Pervy cat. Much better than flat, I thought. I put my bra back on. No way was I going to sleep bare-chested.

"Your lingerie was swapped in Pale Realm when it was sent to the laundry, and it was swapped again in the Oracle Cave when Caterpillar sent your clothes out to be laundered. Caterpillar's been looking out for you. Didn't want you to panic from putting on lingerie too small to fit. Caterpillar may have swapped it before Pale Realm, too. Maybe back at the Card Guard compound in Wonderland Woods. Who knows?"

"I wonder what I weigh."

"Humpty doesn't have a scales, but I remember what you weighed the last time you looked about like this. I'd guess 135 pounds."

"That number sounds familiar." Then it hit me. "I've turned into Bridget Jones."

"Put your clothes on, Alice, and look again in the mirror. You'll feel better about yourself."

"No, Cat. I'm not going to put my dress back on. I'm going to crawl into bed."

I looked at Humpty's bed and was actually impressed. His sheets looked rather clean. Not bad for a man! The bathroom floor was dry around his toilet, too. No wonder women liked him. Cheshire jumped up on the bed and curled up right between my legs. I drifted off to sleep with Cheshire's soft purr in my ears and a slight sense of vibration in my crotch.

End of Chapter 21

This story is based on the characters created by American McGee. EA (Electronic Arts) owns the copyrights.

Chapter 22: Chapter 22  
Chapter 22: "Ding-Dong!"

I awoke with a start. At first I thought that Cheshire had crawled under the covers and stuck his tongue under my panties, but it wasn't that at all. Then, for a brief, panic-stricken moment, I thought that I had wet myself, but it wasn't that, either. Wet dream. I was nearly mad with sexual desire. I crossed my legs tightly and waited for a respite, but there was none. I was back in the Asylum, and some sort of loud disturbance was echoing through all the hallways. It almost sounded like a party. I heard joyful, raucous singing in the stairwell.

Ding-dong! The pig is dead!

Which old pig? The greedy pig!

Ding-dong! The greedy pig is dead!

I had no idea what was going on. I eased my feet into slippers and walked over to my doorway. Feet pounded in the stairwell, entered the hallway, and someone banged a fist on my door.

Wake up you sleepy head!

Rub your eyes, get out of bed!

Wake up! The greedy pig is dead!

He's gone to where the bigwigs go!

Below! Below! Below!

I opened my door and stepped out into the hallway in my pajamas and slippers. Reveling partiers surrounded me.

Ding-dong! He died in the loo!

Intestines stuffed and blocked with poo!

Serves him right!

The greedy blight!

"The Asylum administrator is dead?" I asked. Who else could the "greedy pig" be? The revelers ignored my question and finished their merry song.

Yo-ho, let's open up and sing!

Let's ring the bells out!

Ding Dong' the merry-oh!

Sing it high, sing it low!

Let everyone know!

The greedy pig is dead!

I grabbed my necklace key, locked my door, and let the revelers lead me down the hallway to the Asylum administrator's office which had a crowd of police officers, reporters, one of the city coroners, and even a photographer inside. They were photographing the old codger on the loo. The door was wide open and I could see his obviously dead body inside slumped over on the toilet seat. It was completely involuntary: I started to laugh. Nurse Dot and I had been wracking our brains trying to figure out how to get a key to the Prostitutes' Cage in the basement without being seen. We couldn't figure out a way to do it. We did not want to bring any third parties into our scheme and didn't even want the prostitutes to know where the key came from. Now we didn't have to find a way. Providence had solved our problem for us. The top floor filled up with asylum patients. We were all loose. The staff seemed not the least perturbed. Not even the doctors. At least half of us, of course, were completely sane. The rest, although suffering from various mental problems, weren't any more dangerous than people from the general population. A young fellow with an actor's looks and a guitar jumped in front of me and, bowing, introduced himself as Dean Reed.

"Will you, won't you, will you, won't you, will you join the dance? Will you, won't you, will you, won't you, won't you join the dance?" He jumped out into the crowded hallway and screeched, "Hamster dance!" Everyone began an insane toe-tapping dance.

Several of the prostitutes recognized the young fellow with the guitar and swooned on the spot. "IT'S DEAN REED!" Thunk!

End of Chapter 22

This story is based on the characters created by American McGee. EA (Electronic Arts) owns the copyrights.

"Ding-Dong! The Witch is Dead!" Songwriters: Harburg, E Y / Arlen, Harold

Published by Lyrics © EMI Music Publishing

Parody by Nikki Little

"The Hampster Dance Song" (Suggested listening for this chapter)

Songwriters: R. DeBoer, A. Grace, P. Grace

Published by Lyrics © Sony/ATV Music Publishing LLC

Chapter 23: Chapter 23  
Chapter 23: "Jiyone's Maze"

I woke up in Humpty's cubbyhole. Straight from the wild party in the Asylum back to Wonderland. I walked in to Humpty's bathroom and it hit me that there was no way that Humpty could ever have fit into that tiny, primitive-looking shower. I felt a chill as I realized that this cubbyhole had originally been the home of someone other than Humpty. Who else knew about it? I took a quick shower, got dressed, stepped out the door, and slid the door shut. No convenient switch to close it when just outside. I wondered if the brick around the corner could close the door as well as open it.

Cheshire popped up as if he had been waiting for me to get up. The stink of snark on his breath told me that he had just had breakfast. I hadn't had anything.

"Ready to head for Queensland? I suggest you replenish your supply of shrooms before you go anywhere that risks battle. The ones you've got in that little metal case have surely dried up into dust by now."

I undid my velcro pocket and dug in for my small metal shroom case. When I opened it, the dried up mushrooms blew out in the slight breeze. They weren't dust, but they had dried up to near weightlessness.

"Fortunately for you, I know where to find some more of those mushrooms," said Cheshire. "In the grass patches on top of the rocks lining the walls of the canyon leading up to what used to be the Wall of Souls. It's not there, anymore. Not the slightest trace of it. Still, we'll need to be careful when entering the canyon. Good place for Card Guards to set up an ambush. Best if I enter the canyon first and do some scouting up in the rocks."

Cheshire did as he said he would and scouted the rocks along the walls all along the canyon for Card Guards and found none. The canyon was completely deserted and had only the sounds of wind whistling through and occasional bird calls to keep us company. Cheshire had discovered a patch of the required mushrooms in one grass patch on top of a boulder, and I gathered up the booty in both required forms: both light and dark. One was not much use without the other. I filled my small metal box and had four doses total. Surely I would not need more than that, I thought. Even having to use the mushrooms once filled me with dread. I found them most unpleasant, to put it mildly. There was also that fear of a transformation becoming permanent. I had no desire to spend the rest of my life as the "Bouncing Betty" of Wonderland.

I passed through what was once the "Wall of Souls" without event or encounter with enemies and began to hope that the hedge maze was also devoid of enemies. It was devoid of enemies that I had encountered before, but a new type of enemy was to be found in its rows.

Cheshire and I entered the maze, and Cheshire walked point ahead in his invisible mode to protect me from possible ambushes. No Card Guards. Our first encounter in the maze was a stunning surprise.

"Well, well, look who's back! Miss Goody Two-Shoes. Still playing the revolutionary. Still playing leader of the oppressed. Still the crown princess of all the losers in Wonderland. When are you going to scrape off all those Gnome and Chess Piece losers and take what is rightfully yours?"

I stood there with my mouth hanging open. Cheshire sat on his tail and gawked. It was me, but it wasn't me. The person before us looked like me from maybe two tours before into Wonderland. She looked like the painting of me that hung on the walls of the White King's castle. Me at fifteen. Rail thin. Flat-chested. Long-faced with a narrow, pointed chin. Long, auburn hair. Sour expression. She had a perfect copy of the Vorpal Blade strapped to her hip. I wondered what she had in her dress pockets, which had strips of velcro holding them shut just as my dress pockets did. The velcro was a Hatter invention that was used in nearly all dresses and shirt pockets in Wonderland.

"Good grief, look at you! You're fat! That's my body you're screwing up! Would it kill you to lay off the chocolate?"

Cheshire looked at her and whispered in my ear. A suggestion. I unscrewed the cap on my water bottle and splashed the other me. She started to crackle and shake. She pulled her knife to slash at me, but collapsed twitching. A tiny bit of smoke escaped. In a few seconds, the robot stopped moving.

Wary of the robot playing possom, I took my jackbomb out of my dress pocket, glanced at Cheshire who understood to run, and dropped it on the robot. I turned heel and ran. The robot showered pieces in a ten-foot radius a few seconds later.

"It seems we have an effective weapon against the robots. No need to waste water on them," said Cheshire.

I followed the same path as before and entered an underground passageway. Cheshire sauntered ahead in invisible mode. He came back.

"Two more Alice robots down in the tunnel. Both have Vorpal Blades, but apparently nothing else. Don't take anything for granted, though."

I walked down into the tunnel and the two robots immediately began taunting me. Were they trying to provoke me into charging them?

"Well, well, she's back! Queen of the losers! Princess of geeks! Hangs around with Hatter. And plays chess!"

I took my jacks out of my pocket and hid them in my hand. I advanced cautiously saying nothing to my copies. They continued to berate me.

"You still sucking up to that communist White King?"

I stopped in front of them at an apparently safe distance of about seven feet. Cheshire circled from the opposite side of the walkway.

"Watch the cat!" said one of the robots to the other. "Man, puberty must suck! Look at the size of her ass!" The two robots began laughing in my face. Both of them turned around, still looking at me over their shoulders, and wagged their tiny behinds in my face. I dropped my jacks. Upon realizing that they were being attacked, both robots charged me with jacks dancing all around them. I fled, and dropped a jackbomb at my feet. The two robots ran right into it just as it exploded.

"Look at that!" said Cheshire chuckling. "Pieces of robot everywhere!"

The other robots must have realized that encountering me alone or in pairs was likely to be fatal. I encountered no more of them until I approached the second gateway of the maze. There was a flock of about a dozen of them. Cheshire whispered to me.

"Now would be a good time to test your ice wand!"

The robots taunted me the same as the other robots I had encountered. "Queen of the losers!" shouted one. "Princess of geeks!" shouted another. "Fat ass!" shouted another. "How do you run with your boobs wobbling around like that?" shouted another.

I suddenly pulled my ice wand and began spraying the entire crowd. The ones closest to me dropped while the rest retreated. The ice wand ceased fire, its entire charge spent for at least a day.

"Five down, seven to go," said Cheshire. The surviving robots and I eyed each other for about two minutes silently. I had a sudden inspiration.

"None of you seems to have my gift for combat! Come and get me you wusses!" I retreated and the seven robots surged forward. Right into the puddles from the rapidly melting ice. All seven shorted out in seconds. I turned to Cheshire.

"Do my boobs really wobble when I run?"

Cheshire rolled his eyes. "Are you going to let those robots get to you?"

I repeated my question.

"Your boobs jiggle a little when you run, but to say they wobble is quite an exaggeration. Your chest is not overly large. It's nothing to get self-conscious about. Geez, you're vain!"

"People used to fuss over what a pretty child I was. It's been a long time since anyone told me what a pretty face I have."

"Shhhhh! I hear noises beyond the gate! We may have more robots to deal with!" Cheshire faded from view. I knew that he was advancing to see what was ahead. About a minute later, he reappeared in front of me.

"You'll never believe what's in this maze!"

"Robots of Hatter?"

"Worse!"

"What could be worse than Robots of Hatter? Remember how tough that one that I encountered the last time through was?"

"Fan-fic writers!" Cheshire handed me a paper bag that he had found blowing around. I knew instinctively what it was for.

End of Chapter 23

This story is based on the characters created by American McGee. EA (Electronic Arts) owns the copyrights.

"Jiyone's Maze" was a fan-created level for American McGee's Alice which invented Alice doppelgangers as enemies. Jiyone's DeviantArt account can be found at

jiyone dot deviantart dot com

Chapter 24: Chapter 24  
Chapter 24: "The Pit of Voles"

The sign above the second entrance gateway in the hedge maze named the section "The Pit of Voles." There was a second line in smaller letters immediately below: "Abandon All Hope Ye Who Enter Here."

Cheshire looked up at me. "This is not good." I didn't remember this sign from my last trip and neither did Cheshire. I thought that we needed a guide through this section, and just like that, one conveniently popped up. A young, handsome cowboy-type carrying a guitar.

"Y'all look a little lost," said the cowboy. He sure looked familiar.

"Didn't I see you in the Asylum? You sang the Hamster Dance for us all."

"It's your head, Missy. You asked, I came. Dean Reed's the name."

I nearly fainted. Mr. Reed described where we were.

"This is a weird place. It's like time is out-of-sync here. You'll see things in this maze that don't exist yet. I don't know how to explain it."

"Anything dangerous in this maze?" I asked.

"You'll see and hear things in this maze that will make you want to barf your intestines out, but there are no physical dangers that I know of. The real dangers will be when you exit this maze out into an open field. You know the place. It's where everyone says you fought the Jabberwock. Whatever that is."

"Let's get started," I said. Cheshire and I trotted along behind Mr. Reed into the maze. The first thing we noticed was little furry rodents scurrying everywhere.

"Forum voles. Nasty critters. If a newcomer shows up in their favorite haunts, they'll gang up on the newcomer and all start chewing on him at once. Keep your distance from them. You ignore them, they'll ignore you. My advice is to stay out of the forums."

I was about to ask what forums were, but I realized that I just didn't care. I kept on walking. Cheshire sauntered along beside me. We reached the first of the fan-fic writers. I hadn't realized that some of them weren't human.

"Our first fan-fic writer is Dark Geisha. That's him drooling all over his keyboard and banging away on the keys intermittently."

Dark Geisha looked like a werewolf or maybe the Big Bad Wolf from Little Red Riding Hood. He seemed unaware of our presence.

"Why would a male choose a name like that?" I asked Mr. Reed.

"I have no idea. He's not fooling anybody. He writes sexual domination fics and near-rape fics. Only a guy could write such lurid, nasty, vicious sex scenes. He wants to be the Marquis de Sade of fan fiction."

The werewolf began banging on his typewriter-with-a-screen-where-the-paper-was-supposed-to-be device. He was drooling all over the device as he typed. Suddenly he reached below his typewriter stand and grabbed himself. Mr. Reed looked embarrassed. The wolf was jerking off and coming all over his typewriter device while cackling hysterically.

"Before we leave, I want to at least give the big bad wolf his due," said Mr. Reed. "This maniac writes the most stylish porn I've ever seen. Better than most commercial porn. He does have talent."

I looked on as the big bad wolf whacked his schlong on his typewriter device. I looked at Mr. Reed in incredulity.

"This lunatic has talent? Really?"

We approached another fan-fic writer typing away in a disciplined manner on her typewriter device. This writer was the complete opposite of the first in appearance. Neatly dressed, blonde hair in a classic pageboy, she was elegant, prim, and proper.

"This one goes by the name Secretly Nuts. She has an extremely long and quite sophisticated uncompleted novel posted. About half-way through, she seemed to give up on it. Hasn't posted a new chapter in years. Recently she posted a chapter promising new updates, but she hasn't delivered on her promise. Pity. She was one of the few writers in her section who wrote well. She has a reputation as the Miss Goody-Two-Shoes of her section. Tries to keep things clean so the kiddies can read it."

I couldn't help staring at Secretly Nuts. "She looks like Doris Day. Such a contrast to that maniac we first encountered." Secretly Nuts looked up at us, smiled, and then turned her attention back to her typing. She had notes and sticky papers all over her desk.

Our next fan-fic writer appeared to be a young, teenaged boy. He was grinning wildly as he banged away furiously on his typewriter device. Every so often he broke out in a cackle as he stared at what he had written.

"This fan-fic writer is a thirteen-year-old boy. He writes fetish fiction even though he's still a virgin. Everything he writes is M-rated and is outright p*o*r*n. He relies on Wikipedia for all of his information about sexual fetishes. He just posted a toe-sucker in the Alice-in-Wonderland book section."

"What?," I growled. That was my section, wasn't it? I didn't want any nasty, disgusting toe-sucking fics in there. I had heard of toe-sucking. I had thought that it was a joke, at first. Hadn't these weirdos ever noticed all the crud underneath their toe-nails? Nasty! I fought the impulse to dump his typewriter device off his desk. We moved on.

"This is the Twilight section," announced Mr. Reed as we entered what appeared to be a vast wasteland of weeds and obviously well-fed and privileged upper-middle-class white girls. Each girl looked just like the others and typed away on typewriter devices that all looked identical. I looked about in awe at the utter sameness of everything in the area.

"Each one of these girls thinks she is so clever and original even though what she is writing is the same plot and same clichéd romance scenes that everyone else is writing. You can divide the stories up into three groups: Team Edward, Team Jacob, and Team Carlisle."

I yawned. I didn't give a shit. Then I saw the brunette in the middle of the crowd of typing clones.

"Who's the brunette just standing there without a typewriter device?" I asked.

"That's Kristen Stewart. She plays Bella in the movies."

"What's a movie?"

"Think of one as a rapidly changing series of photographs which give the illusion of motion."

"Okay. So who's Bella?"

"She's the romantic lead of the Twilight series of books and movies."

"She's a romantic lead?" I looked at Kristen Stewart. Long hair. Long face. Long nose. Pointy chin. Sour face. "You've got to be kidding."

"She's the romantic lead of the Twilight series. It's true."

"She looks like me at fifteen. No tits. No hips. No ass. No sex appeal."

"She's a romantic lead," insisted Mr. Reed.

"So guys are expected to make a fuss over her?"

Mr. Reed doubled over snickering. So it wasn't just me who thought that casting a woman who looks like a kid who never eats as a romantic lead was absurd.

"Pretty much everything about Twilight is absurd," said Mr. Reed.

"So why is it so popular? If people are writing fan fiction, it must be popular, right?"

Mr. Reed held his hands out in front of him. "Fuck if I know. Americans once bought packaged rocks as pets."

We moved on, and soon a malodorous scent assaulted our nostrils. Like what you'd find underneath an outhouse on a Kentucky hillside. We walked into a wall of flies. Mr. Reed waved his hands constantly in front of his face vainly trying to keep the swarms of bugs out of his eyes. He pointed straight ahead to what at first appeared an enormous pile of dirt.

"That's 'My Immortal.' Known to be the worst fan fiction ever written."

I stared as I waved away the swarms of flies. "It looks like a heaping pile of dinosaur shit. Smells even worse." Gas suddenly burped out of the pile and shot bits of shit in our direction. Mr. Reed jumped back. I got hit on my apron.

"Fuck!" I wiped my apron on the grass. Mr. Reed didn't miss a beat.

"Stories like 'My Immortal' are what happen when lovesick, self-absorbed, illiterate junior high school girls try to write fan fiction. Instead of torturing their classmates as they usually do."

"All stories by junior high school girls are this bad?"

"No, just the ones written by illiterate princesses."

"What do you mean by 'princess'?"

"Self-absorbed, privileged, clueless about what life is like for other people. Totally uninterested in anything that does not directly affect them. You know the type. Didn't you used to be a 'princess' yourself?"

That stung, but Mr. Reed was right. Before my house burned down, I was indeed a completely self-absorbed and selfish little princess. I was just like every other spoiled rotten little upper-middle-class girl. I wondered if I was totally to blame for being such a little snot. Or was my environment to blame?

"Don't blame yourself entirely," said Mr. Reed. "Anyone growing up in the stifling environment of the upper middle class is likely to come out completely self-absorbed. If you're lucky, a university education undoes some of the damage." Mr. Reed coughed from the odor and motioned for Cheshire and me to move ahead. Soon we entered what looked like the English countryside. Forest, brush, birds and butterflies, and an enormous gothic-looking castle surrounded by a moat in the distance. Mr. Reed held both hands up in the air.

"Welcome to the world of Harry Potter fan fiction. This is as good as fan fiction gets. That means that not all of it is crap."

I looked down at the ground. There were steaming little piles of crap everywhere.

"Watch where you step," said Mr. Reed. "The quality of fan fiction in the Harry Potter section may be above average, but there are still plenty of stinkers."

We arrived at a fork in the path with a small entrance gate over each path. The paths had pairings: Harry/Ginny, Harry/Hermione, Harry/Luna, Ron/Hermione, Ron/Luna, Draco/Hermione, Luna/Neville, and Hermione/Victor. There were a few small paths that had no entrance gate label.

"Those pairings are called ships for some reason," said Mr. Reed. "Notice off to your right side the two enormous monuments."

One monument had a plate that said "Harry Potter and the Methods of Rationality by Less Wrong." The other monument was even larger and mentioned only "James Potter Series by G. Norman Lippert."

"Those two are fan fictions that are nearly as famous as the original works. It does happen occasionally. Every once in a blue moon, somebody writes a fan fiction of commercial quality."

I had just stepped in a shit pile. "Damn!" I wiped my shoe bottom on the grass. We chose to walk down the wide path that was "Harry/Ginny." Everywhere we looked, of course, fan fiction writers banged on those typewriter devices. Most of them were teenaged girls and young women. Every once in awhile, you'd see a little green monster or a crazed, drooling animal. I saw one animal that turned around every so often to projectile-shit on his typewriter device. Then he'd sit right back down and stick his fingers back on the shit-covered keys. He reeked.

We continued walking down the Harry/Ginny path and it was obvious that we had some distance still to walk. Mr. Reed kept looking to his left and right as we walked along.

"If you'll look over to your left toward those hills, you'll see the Lord of the Rings section of fan fiction. It's one of the biggest book fandoms. There are also movies for several of the books."

I picked Cheshire up and put him on my shoulder so that he could see. The Lord of the Rings fandom in the hills just seemed to go on forever. We continued walking, and a long series of hills became visible over to our right.

"If you'll look over toward your right, you'll see the fandoms for Naruto and Inuyasha which are in the anime/manga category," said Mr. Reed.

"What's anime and what's manga?" I was beginning to wonder if I were an idiot. Mr. Reed hesitated a moment before replying.

"Ummmm... Anime is Japanese animation and manga is Japanese comic strips. Animation is a comic strip in the form of a movie. Sorry, best I can do."

We kept walking eying the fan fiction writers in the Harry/Ginny path scattered about banging away on those typewriter devices. The steaming piles of shit that I had become used to seemed lesser in number than usual. There were flowers and even rose bushes scattered here and there which Mr. Reed identified as examples of good writing. It did exist even in The Pit of Voles. Oh, yeah. Those forum voles were still running around everywhere. We ignored them. Fortunately they did not stray on to the path.

The hills of the Lord of the Rings section gave way to an area that looked like manicured urban parks. Mr. Reed stopped to identify it.

"That park-like area just past the hills is the Buffy the Vampire Slayer section. That's one of the largest TV fandoms."

"What's TV?"

"You're better off not knowing."

We continued walking and I gradually started to feel a chill in the air. The colors faded and the sky slowly turned to black and white. The wind picked up, and I heard crows cawing.

"We are now leaving the Harry Potter fandom."

We continued walking, and the temperature continued to drop. The sky became darker, grayer. There were no brightly colored flowers or bushes in sight. Everything was shades of gray. We entered a cemetery full of large mausoleums. Gravestones circled the mausoleums. Barely perceptible shadows drifted among the gravestones and across our path. Smaller, unlabeled paths forked off from the main path that we followed.

"We have now entered the Realm of Dead Fandoms. The mausoleums are fandoms that were once vibrant and full of activity. Now they have perhaps one or two occasional writers who post a story or update. The gravestones are abandoned stories. Some of them have over fifty chapters. As fewer and fewer people commented on or even read the posted chapters, the updates became less frequent until the writer simply stopped logging on, never to appear again. These abandoned stories litter the entire site. You'll see the gravestones even in active fandoms such as Harry Potter. They tend to remain hidden in active fandoms because of all the work being posted by other writers."

We continued walking down the utterly depressing path until we came to what had to be the biggest mausoleum in the area. Shadows of long-ago writers drifted across the path. There was a well-dressed man leaning up against the mausoleum smoking a cigarette. I could see right through him. He saw us and addressed us.

"There is a fifth dimension beyond that which is known to man. It is a dimension as vast as space and as timeless as infinity. It is the middle ground between light and shadow, between science and superstition, and it lies between the pit of man's fears and the summit of his knowledge. This is the dimension of imagination. It is an area which we call the Twilight Zone."

"The Twilight Zone fandom has some of the finest writing in all of fan fiction," said Mr. Reed. "This is one of the few places in fan fiction where you will find original fiction. Like the TV program, writers sometimes incorporated social themes into their writing. They attempted to shock the conscience of the comfortable and oblivious. They poured their souls into passionate screeds for compassion, tolerance, and justice. I'll let Mr. Serling there guide you to some of the white roses of Twilight Zone fan fiction."

Mr. Serling led us to an enormous white rose which towered above all the others and began to speak.

"This rose is a story titled 'In Words There Is Power.' It has the finest ending sentence of any fan fiction in existence. It's a sequel to 'The Obsolete Man' and explains how the death of a mere librarian led to a revolution against tyranny. Every decade seems to have a new current event which makes this story just as relevant as when it was written."

Mr. Serling walked over to another white rose nearly as big.

"This rose is a story titled 'Number 13 Looks Just Like You!' It's an extensive elaboration of a similarly titled episode and explains how what seemed a tyrannical imposition of a totalitarian government was actually an imposition of the media, a gullible public, and peer pressure. Sometimes, it's not the government that is the problem. In a country with mass ignorance, it can be the people who are the problem."

Mr. Serling walked over to another enormous white rose.

"This one is titled 'The Glimpse.' A woman who has jumped from the side of a building has a glimpse on the way down of the life she would have had if she had not jumped. The face of the man who would have given her happiness turns out to be a shocking surprise."

Mr. Serling led us over to another rose.

"This one is titled 'What You Reap.' It's about a woman who is a buyer for a chain of discount stores. It's her job to find the cheapest source for various goods. The cheapest source for basic women's dresses turns out to be a factory in a wretchedly poor country where the employees are all sick. The buyer, of course, doesn't know that, and the illness comes into the buyer's country on the dresses causing an out-of-control epidemic which destroys the economy and kills millions. The buyer becomes a hunted woman when she tells the truth about the source of the epidemic, but she doesn't care, and for good reason."

Mr. Reed had his own comment about the last story. "It's a parable about the price of pitting people against each other in a global never-ending race to the bottom."

Mr. Serling walked us over to another white rose.

"This story is one of my favorites. It's a companion piece to my own 'Night of the Meek.' A dirt-poor waitress in a grimy diner in the abandoned, forgotten side of town is visited by an angel on Christmas Eve who offers her anything she wants. She wants to live in a world where there is no such thing as money, prices, or misery. The angel knows such a place, and it's a very nice place, but there's a price to be paid for entrance."

Mr. Serling walked us over to another mausoleum nearby. He leaned up against the mausoleum and lit another cigarette, tossing the butt of the old one onto the polished granite. He held his right hand out as an introduction.

"Good evening, and welcome to a private showing of paintings. Each is a collector's item in its own way—not because of any special artistic quality, but because each captures on a canvas, suspends in time and space, a frozen moment of a nightmare."

Mr. Serling walked over to the largest painting which showed a man on his back chained to a crude platform of rough, wooden planks.

"This ghastly closeup of a man who is about to have his right arm chopped off with an ax is titled 'Darwin's Feast,' and is the story of what can happen to a politician who preaches total self-reliance to the hungry and desperate."

Mr. Serling walked over to another large painting which appeared to show a priest playing chess with a businessman in a huge, elaborate Catholic cathedral.

"Appearances can be deceiving. This priest has just offered a deal to the Devil - a deal that the Devil would be wise to refuse. In 'The Devil and the Priest,' it's the Devil who endures a nightmare."

Mr. Serling took a long puff on his cigarette and then walked over to yet another large painting.

"This man with tears running down his face while holding a fruit in one hand and a brochure in another has just realized that he had found paradise and lost it. 'Abolition Day' tells the story of a man who briefly discovered an alternate timeline in which Abraham Lincoln - The Great Liberator - was not assassinated."

Mr. Serling tossed his cigarette down on the mausoleum granite and exhaled. He seemed depressed. He was surrounded by white roses, but none of them were new.

"I am a relic of a forgotten time," said Mr. Serling. "I lived when television could challenge the intellect, and spark people's imagination. That time is over. There's no room in the modern world of endless electronic gadgets for me. Television has become a wasteland, and I am a ghost."

Mr. Serling faded away into the monochrome background. Only the twirl of smoke rising from the cigarette that he had just tossed was evidence that he had ever been there in the first place.

Mr. Reed led us on through the realm of dead fandoms. Old classic books, old television series, old video games, old black-and-white movies - all dead relics of a simpler time when kids still played outdoors occasionally. Mr. Reed continued to lead and we approached a strange-looking place that was black and white, but with splashes of blazing red everywhere.

"This is the realm of the passionate ones," said Mr. Reed. "This is the realm of the intellectual types who attempted to shock the conscience of their readers. These are the writers who poured tremendous effort and bled their own souls into their offerings. In times past, they might have been published authors, but in an age where unsold books piled up in bookstores, they knew better than to try to sell their work. They wrote for the message itself, nothing more."

We encountered our first fan fiction writer in the section, a young woman. She was well-dressed and gave an image of earnestness. Her typewriter device and table, however, was covered in splashes of what appeared to be blood. The spattered bright red liquid was the only color visible in an otherwise monochrome scene. It seemed so out-of-place. She placed her hands on her typewriter device again, and the blood began to flow in droplets from her fingers as she hit the keys.

"This young woman goes by the name of 'GothicTemptress.' She wrote a socially conscious Twilight fan fiction novel titled 'Scintilla.' Yes, I know what you're thinking. You can't imagine a Twilight fan fiction with depth and intellect. Yet here it is. It has been translated into French and Russian. She hopes to become a commercially published author some day."

Mr. Reed walked some distance to a middle-aged woman hunched over her typewriter device. As before, blood flowed in droplets as her fingers hit the keys. Dried blood smeared her entire desk which was covered in sheets of paper with newspaper articles on them. A magazine hung over the edge here and there, and a few thick books were stacked on the right side of the table toward the back.

"This woman is infamous in her fandom. Almost none of the English speakers in her fandom reads her work, and yet she has her fans - in Russia and the former Soviet republics of Eastern Europe. She is known as 'The Red Alice' mainly for her rewrite of Dante's Inferno. She had a comic-style heroine kidnap the U.S. Senate and take them on a tour of Hell in hopes of scaring them honest. Her heavily researched novel was 150 pages of unfiltered rage and ended with the U.S. Capitol building in flames."

Mr. Reed's mention of "The Red Alice" gave me an ice cold chill down my spine. I wondered if she had anything to do with me. I decided I didn't want to know. Maybe there are things I'm better off not knowing - such as just what the hell are those typewriter-looking devices? Mr. Reed suddenly cupped his hands to his ears and listened intently down the path.

"We're close to the exit to this area. I can hear enemies waiting for us in the next area."

Mr. Reed picked up his guitar and began to play.

It's a raucous asshole party

A thousand bigoted hicks

All for Queen and Tyranny

Thump those Bibles dicks

It's a thousand assholes

Doin' asshole promenade

Step aside all good people

It's the assholes on parade

End of Chapter 24

This story is based on the characters created by American McGee. EA (Electronic Arts) owns the copyrights. Names of fan fiction writers except one have been altered. The pen-name "GothicTemptress" is real, and the name of her socially conscious novel, "Scintilla," is also real. Lyrics to "Assholes on Parade" were written by Pat MacDonald for Timbuk3 and were partially altered by Nikki Little. Rod Serling appears as himself.

Chapter 25: Chapter 25  
Chapter 25: "Jabberwock Memorial Fields"

Mr. Reed faded into the monochrome plus red landscape. I walked underneath an arch labeled "Jabberwock Memorial Fields." Pretty obvious who put the arch up. None of my friends or acquaintances would think to memorialize the beast.

The sound of the thumping Bibles was getting closer. I knew exactly what to do. I fished around in my velcro pockets and took out one precious pheromone grenade. Cheshire chuckled as I resealed my velcro dress pockets. I held up my blood-and-shit-stained apron in front of Cheshire and asked, "What do I need this for?" I had everything in my dress pockets. No way would I carry anything in the unsealed apron pockets.

Cheshire looked at me. "Pitch it!" he said. The blood stains were bad enough, but the shit on it was still stinking. Off with the apron. I tossed it over my shoulder back toward the arch. Cheshire's ears perked up.

"I think the Bible thumpers are just behind that rise in front of us. Now would be a good time to..."

The first row of Bible thumpers appeared over the rise. The din from the thumping Bibles was deafening. There must have been fifty of them in that first row. I suspected that Mr. Reed's estimate of one thousand of them might be uncomfortably accurate. I curled my pitching arm behind my back to throw the pheromone grenade when Cheshire suddenly interjected.

"Alice, no! You have to be..."

I heaved the pheromone grenade as far as I could into the advancing columns of Bible thumpers. Cheshire's shoulders slumped. He continued.

"...out of sight."

I looked at Cheshire. "What do you mean I have to be out of sight?"

Cheshire leaped up onto my shouders and grabbed my head between his paws turning my head directly toward the Bible thumpers. They had stopped dead in their tracks as the gas from the pheromone grenade spread out all along the ground among them high enough to breathe.

One after another the Bible thumpers popped up erections like those Peruvian dick dolls that so amused the tourists. I noticed that the Bible thumpers were all looking at me quite strangely. I turned to Cheshire.

"Puss, why are those Bible thumpers all looking at me like that? Aren't they all supposed to be humping each other right now?"

Cheshire let out an enormous sigh - the kind of sigh that he always let out when I had just done something stupid.

"You're supposed to throw the pheromone grenade from an out-of-sight location. The intended male victims will only hump each other if there are no females in sight. There is a female in sight. There is only one female in sight."

I looked at all those freshly popped erections.

"Ohhhhhhhh, fuck!"

Cheshire eyed me with an air of pity.

"If a thousand Bible thumpers were about to dart up my dress, I'd run!"

Cheshire faded into the air leaving me to figure out what to do next. An epiphany hit me all at once. I fished out my metal shroom box and picked out two dark orange mushroom heads and tossed them into my mouth without chewing or swallowing. I took out a vibrator powerup, flipped the switch on, and jammed it down my panties into the proper position, and then grabbed my spinning top. Desperation and ice-cold sweat are the mother of inspiration. I sealed my velcro pockets and quickly as possible stripped off all of my clothes. The vibrator powerup ran out of battery power in seconds, and I yanked it out. The Bible thumpers were only about thirty feet in front of me. Showtime.

I chomped down on the two dark orange mushroom heads, chewed, and swallowed. I braced my back and vibrator-strengthened legs for the horrific jolt that I knew was coming. I felt light-headed and dizzy to the point of passing out. I felt a sudden yank on my chest as if someone had just attached two cannon balls to my breasts with very short chains and then dropped the cannon balls. I looked down and saw that my breasts were rapidly filling with a thick, heavy liquid. They slid farther and farther down my chest and grew continuously straight outward projecting more and more. My breasts reached my waist and seemed to float two feet out in front of me. The Bible thumpers stared fascinated, but continued to advance slowly. The volume of the undersides of my breasts was massive and continued growing. The pull on my shoulders was staggering. My breasts continued to slide downwards and grow outwards even farther. With one dark orange mushroom, my breasts stopped at my knees, but my breasts continued to fill and hit the ground. The advancing Bible thumpers stopped dead in their tracks with their mouths hanging open. My breasts continued to project farther and farther and stopped at perhaps seven feet. They continued to fill and raised up to about my waist. They sloshed back and forth like the waves in a backyard kiddie pool. Without the vibrator powerup, I think I would have been unable to move. I tossed my spinning top, turned around laboriously dragging my two enormous mounds of wobbling jelly, and backed into the miniature whirlwind of the spinning top.

The whirlwind snatched me immediately and whirled me at dizzying speed. The first few seconds were quite painful as it took a few seconds for my enormously heavy boobs to take flight. After that, my boobs sent the Bible Thumpers flying in all directions like pond frogs in a tornado. The mini-whirlwind lasted about thirty seconds.

After landing, I took a look around me and saw that I had cleared out about one-third of the Bible thumpers. I raised my hand and retrieved my spinning top. I love telekinesis! Time for round 2. I threw my spinning top over my shoulder and backed into the whirlwind. My legs still had some extra strength from the vibrator powerup. Boob-whoppin' time! Mr. Reed faded into view strumming his guitar in the middle of the battlefield.

Would you like to fly on Alice's beautiful balloons?

Would you like to die on Alice's beautiful balloons?

You can sail among the stars together all you clots

And you can die! All you simpering sots!

Up, up, and away!

On Alice's great big mutant balloons!

The world's a nicer place without you Bible-thumping loons.

It wears a nicer face without you ignorant buffoons.

I can sing a song and watch you sail along the sky

And watch you die!

Up, up, and away!

Be gone you loons I say!

By the time Mr. Reed had finished his strumming, I had completed round 3 with the Bible thumpers and had completely cleared the battlefield. My vibrator powerup still hadn't worn off completely. Cheshire, who I had once thought a coward, reappeared with a mouthful of Bible thumper clothes. He was grinning from ear-to-ear. A bigger grin than usual. He spat out the shredded clothes.

"I do say, Alice, that was a jolly good show! It was raining Bible thumpers for a solid minute! I had to keep one eyeball on the sky for danger of getting crushed by a falling thumper. I got about a dozen stragglers, myself. None left, I assure you."

Cheshire eyed me there all but immobilized by my boobs. He couldn't resist the temptation.

"That does look like a very comfy perch to curl up on!"

Cheshire leaped and landed right on the cleavage under my chin. He curled up and began to purr. And began to sink. Cheshire's eyeballs bugged out like an astronaut whose suit had just burst open on an alien planet. I grabbed the poor cat by the front paws just as he was about to disappear down the black crevice of my mutant cleavage.

"That was dumb, Cheshire. Never leap onto fat cleavage. You can disappear in it."

I held my breath, kneeled, and crawled backwards a bit so that I could reach my velcro dress pockets. My face was buried in boobage. I felt around and grabbed the little metal box with the mushrooms. It was a bit of a struggle, but I stood up again. I brought the metal box around with one hand and brought the other hand around to open it. Mr. Reed walked by to help me.

"Don't hold that metal box over your cleavage. You almost lost your cat down there. Be a bit of a problem if you dropped your box down in there." Mr. Reed opened the box and looked at the contents. "What do you need?"

"Two whole light-orange mushrooms."

Mr. Reed placed the mushrooms in my right hand and advised me to be careful handling them.

"Cross your fingers, Alice," said Cheshire. "No one has ever swallowed two of the dark orange mushrooms at the same time."

I put the two light-orange mushrooms in my mouth, chewed, and swallowed. A pleasant lightening of burden seemed to be occurring, but it was slow and gradual. My breasts deflated as if liquid were leaking out at a steady rate, but it was not a quick process. Several times the deflation seemed to halt altogether. Finally the deflation halted when my breasts hung down to my elbows and seemed to float maybe eight inches in front of me. At least they didn't pull on my shoulders.

"If you're stuck with them, at least they look nice," said Mr. Reed as he faded away with a Cheshire-like grin on his face.

"Maybe the rest will go away in a day or two," said Cheshire.

I sure hoped so. My breasts were still a size that would constantly be in the way if I were stuck with them. I walked over to where my clothes were, breasts swaying and wobbling all the way. I knew the bra wouldn't fit. My granny panties did fit, thankfully. My dress just barely pulled down over my bust. Fortunately the cloth was quite sturdy.

My breasts returned to original size by the next morning giving me a new appreciation for normal-sized breasts. When it comes to boobs, big is not as wonderful as most girls might think.

End of Chapter 25

This chapter is based on the characters created by American McGee. EA (Electronic Arts) owns the copyrights. "Up, Up, and Away" was written by Jimmy L. Webb. Lyric alterations by Nikki Little.

Chapter 26: Chapter 26  
Chapter 26: "For Old Time's Sake"

The Gnomes hiding up in the hills started coming down immediately after I had taken my two light-orange mushroom heads. My bust was still all but bursting out of my dress when they arrived on the battlefield.

"Nice of you guys to sit up there and leave everything to Cheshire and me!"

The Gnome Elder remained calm in the face of the insult and my obvious fury.

"We couldn't do anything. We arrived here days before you did. Everytime we approached the Queen of Hearts' Castle, those Bible-thumpers came out in force. The thumping was deafening. It made everyones' ears bleed. The few who failed to run immediately ended up temporarily deaf with their ears ringing for days. We thought you would adopt a strategy of tossing a jackbomb and then retreating over and over again."

"One jackbomb is not sufficient to block the entire field. The Bible-thumpers would have just gone around it."

"Well, your tactic worked. It sure caught us all by surprise. Never saw anyone deliberately jump into a whirlwind before! Actually, none of us ever saw the boob shrooms in use before. And you used two at once! It really was quite a show! You didn't see it, but Cheshire put on quite a show, as well. None of us had ever seen Cheshire in combat before. We all thought that he always ran away at the first sign of combat."

"You all thought that Cheshire was a coward?"

"Yup."

"Well, now you know. Pin the Order of the Gnomes on his collar or something."

"Cheshire doesn't have a collar. They tend to get caught on things and strangle a cat, anyway."

"You knew what I meant. Shall we all head toward the Queen of Hearts' Castle together? What do you have to use against the Card Guards?"

"Same one thing we've always used. We're miners. We have sticks of dynamite and blasting caps to set off a quantity of dynamite. Dynamite is not a very good weapon against a moving target. It's good at corralling a large group of enemies."

"Dynamite." I sighed. The poor Gnomes had nothing else. I had heard of them picking up staffs from dead Card Guards to use.

"Shall we go?"

"Of course."

We all began marching together toward the Queen of Hearts' Castle. The Gnomes told me that they had heard rumors of some White Chess pieces waiting to join up with them near the Castle.

As foretold by Caterpillar, the White Chess pieces were indeed waiting to join up with us near the Queen of Hearts' Castle. There were two Knights and a Bishop. That was the sum total of the White Chess pieces. The Bishop said that Pale Realm was reluctant to release any more pieces for an assault on the Queen of Hearts' Castle because of the worry over cutting into the security force for Pale Realm. Understandable. Pale Realm had once seen Red Chess Pieces penetrate all the way to just outside the door of the White King's throne room. The Rooks were the White King's personal guards.

After discussing various battle plans, we began marching together right in the open field in plain view up to the Queen of Hearts' Castle which was backed up against a mountain side and surrounded on the other three sides by open field. It was well-placed strategically. The mountains were too steep to climb without mountain-climbing gear, of which we had none. We had to approach via the open fields. No element of surprise was possible.

We marched straight toward the drawbridge. I was suffering increasing discomfort from my still partially expanded breasts jiggling and wobbling around. It occurred to me that if we hadn't been on a battlefield, I would have been completely okay with getting stuck with them. The constant jiggling was highly erotic for me. They sure weren't designed for long marches, however.

To our surprise, the drawbridge lowered at our approach and a single servant rode out on a horse. He was armed only with a sword in a scabbard. I suspected that the sword was more ceremonial than anything else. The Queen of Hearts' personal messenger handed us an official communication with the Queen of Hearts' signature.

"To Alice and all allied rebels. All hostilities are ended and Card Guards shall be restricted to policing duties inside my realm and border guard duties. They will no longer do the bidding of the Red Queen in any other parts of Wonderland. All Gnomes are henceforth to be released from genital restraints. Two copies of both types of release key will be provided. All hostilities with Pale Realm are ended. The war is over. At least, my war is over. Alice and her allies are welcome inside my Castle. For old times' sake. I spent the first civil war locked up in the Red Queen's dungeon while she put forth an imposter in my place. Hatter was down there, too, someplace. Let the Red Queen fight her own battles. Signed, Queen Rania, the Queen of Hearts."

The messenger immediately handed over two copies of the release key for Gnome mens' metal lockboxes and two copies of the key for Gnome womens' metal fabric chastity belts. I handed the keys to the Gnome Elder because he had a keychain.

"The Queen of Hearts has come to her senses. Some scout must have seen what I did to the Bible-thumpers. We all need to remember that this Queen of Hearts is not the one we remember from the first civil war. That Queen of Hearts was an imposter. This Queen of Hearts is the Card Royal that I remember from my early trips to Wonderland. I hope all of you remember her as well."

"It could still be a trap, Alice," said the Gnome Elder.

"I realize that. Let us see whether she demands that we all disarm upon entering the Castle. I, myself, am not willing to disarm. The Chess Pieces should not disarm, either. I suspect that the Queen of Hearts will refuse to allow you Gnomes to bring your dynamite inside. You should expect to be required to store it in an outside-the-Castle location."

"That sounds acceptable to me."

I turned to the messenger.

"Messenger, we accept the Queen of Hearts' invitation. Please notify her. We will wait here for permission to cross the drawbridge."

The messenger bowed, and rode off across the drawbridge, which rose up behind him. We stayed in place, waiting.

A half-hour later, we saw the drawbridge come down again. The messenger rode across and read aloud a signed message.

"To Alice and all allied rebels. Permission to enter granted. The gnomes must store their dynamite after crossing the bridge in an outside-the-Castle storage facility for explosives. It is designed to keep everything as dry as possible. You may not bring dynamite inside the Castle. It is forbidden even for Card Guards. Alice may retain her weapons. The two White Knights may retain their swords. The White Bishop may retain his staff. Small rooms with an attached bathroom and shower will be provided as is customary with guests. Gnomes will be required to share a room because of the shortage of rooms. Alice will also share with the Cheshire Cat. The White Chess Pieces will not be required to share. Schedules for meals and entertainment events are posted in all rooms. A tour of the Castle will be conducted for Alice and the Cheshire Cat on the first day. The rest of you are free to roam. For your own safety, do not annoy the palace guards. Enjoy your stay. Signed, Queen Rania, the Queen of Hearts."

"It seems we are invited," I said to the Gnome Elder. He turned and discussed some matters with the other Gnomes.

"The Gnomes have decided to head into position near the Red Queen's Castle where we will conduct harassment attacks from the hills. Give us a few weeks to soften up the Red Queen's Castle defenses. We'll join up with you then."

"Very well, I'll see you then. I'm not sure how long I'll be here. The Queen of Hearts - this Queen of Hearts - was very appreciative of company when I was a child. She had a knack for scaring people off, though. Shouts of 'Off with their heads!' did not make people eager to visit."

I shook hands with the Gnome Elder and watched him head off with the rest of the Gnome rebel band. The three white chess pieces decided to accept the invitation. They suggested the possibility of the Queen of Hearts as an ally in the fight against the Red Queen.

"The fact that she's willing to let us in makes me curious about the relationship between her and that horde of Bible-thumpers you just slaughtered. She doesn't seem upset about that."

I thought the White Bishop definitely had a point. We followed the Queen of Hearts' messenger across the drawbridge into the Castle. A contingent of palace servants met us and escorted us up to small, but comfortable rooms which had a toilet and shower attached. It wasn't quite the luxury of Pale Realm, but it was certainly comfortable. There was an air of old England about the place. Dark wood and elegant carvings abounded. Paintings hung everywhere on walls covered in rose pink floral wallpaper. Spectacular winding staircases led to upper floors. Gaslights hung from the ceilings and stuck out of the walls in hallways. Louis XIV style furniture was everywhere in the large rooms and even in the hallways. Even some of the guest room furnishings were in elegant Louis XIV style. Needless to say, none of us had much luggage.

Every room had a schedule of meals and an explanation of the laundry service posted. A small rectangular notice on the doors stated that royal chambermaids cleaned rooms at nine o'clock sharp every morning. Bedsheets were changed once a week. The chambermaids all had a skeleton key which opened all guest rooms. I noticed my name written on a white postercard slipped into a nameplate on my door. No chance of mistaking my room for any other. Every room also had a door number in arabic numerals above the nameplate. On the desk was an invitation to dinner with the Queen of Hearts in the main dining room at seven o'clock. It was five. I thought it a good idea to shower and clean myself up before heading down for dinner. There was nothing I could do about my clothes.

At six-fifty I headed out and down the nearby spiral staircase to the main dining hall. The guest rooms, most of them I suppose, were on the second floor of the Castle. I saw the white chess pieces coming down another spiral staircase. We met at the long dining table, and saw cards with our names on them indicating our seats. I was seated directly in front of the Queen of Hearts. Her husband, the King of Hearts, sat at an end of the table. Cheshire was sitting next to him chowing down on what looked like scrambled eggs. I remembered the King of Hearts from childhood. He was always walking around saying "You are all pardoned." I especially remembered his unwillingness to touch alcohol or Wonderland Weed. There were times, I suspected, when he was the only sober person in Wonderland. Like his wife, he spent the entire first civil war locked up in the Red Queen's prison.

The Queen of Hearts was seated directly in front of me and was not what I remembered from childhood. She was no longer fat and manic-depressive. She looked, in fact, quite normal. I sensed that she was in quite a good mood, but I was baffled as to the reason why. I thought I needed to be quiet and observe carefully. The Queen of Hearts looked down at my still-expanded chest and chuckled.

"Those light orange mushrooms sometimes take two full days to completely counter the effects of the dark orange mushrooms. You are not the first to use those mushrooms as a weapon. Right at the beginning of the first civil war when the Red Queen sent her pet monster to capture me, I used two of those mushrooms at the same time. Desperation. I waited at the top of a staircase, took the mushrooms, and then jumped down on the jabberwock. I knocked him senseless for a few minutes. After he came to, however, I was an easy capture. I was unable to move. I couldn't even get to the light-orange mushrooms in my dress pocket. My boobs were on top of them. I was completely helpless. The Red Queen gave me the light-orange mushrooms so that she could stuff me in a prison cell. Without the light-orange mushrooms, I was too big for any prison cell."

"Were you in the cell next to Hatter?"

"Unfortunately no. He would have been good company. My husband was separated from me, too."

I sat quietly and listened to the small talk occurring up and down the dining table. The Queen of Hearts often turned to address other people sitting up and down the table. When she turned back to me, I had a question for her.

"Why do you seem so untroubled about me slaughtering your minions? All those Bible-thumpers?"

The Queen of Hearts broke out into loud, guffawing laughter.

"My dear, you don't understand! Those Bible-thumpers were not my minions. They were the Red Queen's minions!"

My jaw hit the floor. Never in a million years would I have thought this.

"You mean the Bible-thumpers were occupiers in your lands?"

"Yes, they were how the Red Queen controlled my husband and me. They were how the Red Queen controlled all of the Card Royals and the Card Guards under their command. The other Card Royals all live on the top floor of the Castle. They all have a roof garden that they tend. They seem quite alienated from Wonderland. Given the tyranny of the Red Queen, I don't blame them. You could say they're retired. They now leave command of all Card Guards to me and my husband."

"So when I slaughtered all those Bible-thumpers, I actually did you a favor?"

The Queen of Hearts broke out into loud laughter again.

"My dear! You liberated us! You had no clue, did you?"

"No, I didn't."

The rest of the dinner went quite pleasantly, even better than any of the tea parties that I had had in childhood with Hatter. The Queen of Hearts insisted that I call her "Queen Rania" and seemed to bear me no ill will over the Card Guards that I had slaughtered in the past. Queen Rania phrased the problems of the past in a single sentence.

"You did what you had to do, and I did what I had to do."

After dinner, Queen Rania had the manager of the chambermaids give me a tour of the Castle. Another servant gave Cheshire his tour. We started off in the basement, which housed all of the scientific workshops, chemistry workshops, a metal shop, a wood shop, a clothesmaking shop, and numerous other workshops. There was one workshop that he especially wanted to show me.

"This is our potions room, where we make medicines out of herbs, minerals, and some chemicals. Not everything we produce is a drug. Some of our potions are for personal problems. For example, this shelf has Wonderland Weed which is very useful for the depressed and a weight-loss potion which Queen Rania uses. She used to be really fat."

"Yes, I remember from childhood. I've been in Wonderland numerous times before."

"Here's a potion which no one seems to be much interested in. A bustline enhancing potion. Nobody wants it because it also makes your hips and butt bigger. Some women have claimed it gives you a fat tum right below the waist as well."

"It actually sounds well-designed. Big breasts on a skinny body look ridiculous."

It dawned on me just then, with my breasts still expanded a bit from the dark orange mushrooms, that I had breasts that looked out-of-proportion to the rest of my body.

"My chest is the result of having used dark orange mushrooms as a weapon. The light orange mushrooms that I took haven't taken full effect yet."

"I knew that. I heard Queen Rania talking to you from down the dining room table. Mushroom breasts aren't much fun. They don't quite look like the real thing, they don't move quite like the real thing, and they don't feel quite like the real thing. They're good for fakes, but they're definitely not equal to the real thing."

"You said nobody seemed much interested in the bustline enhancing potion. Can I have a few bottles of it?"

"You want some of this? Really?"

"Yes, can I have a few bottles of it?"

"I have to warn you that this stuff contains an appetite stimulant. It works by making you gain weight. It targets weight gain to the bustline, but you get bigger in other places as well. It's not perfect."

"It's exactly what I want. Like I said, big breasts on a skinny body look ridiculous."

"You're not skinny."

"I know. I was. Still, big breasts on me would look disproportionately large, wouldn't they? Like these mushroom breasts right now?"

I stepped back and let my tour guide look me over.

"You're right. You're still too slight for big breasts. You can have three bottles. That should be enough for at least three months. Each bottle is a quart. A standard dose is a one-ounce shot taken every morning before breakfast. Each bottle holds 32 one-ounce doses. I'll give you some shot glasses. They're clean."

My tour guide put my three bottles in one paper sack and the shot glasses in a smaller sack. The tour was mostly of the basement and the library on the fourth floor. The first floor was the main living areas and work rooms such as kitchen and laundry. The second floor where I was consisted entirely of guest rooms. The third floor was guest rooms and some additional workshop rooms. The fifth floor was the living area of the retired Card Royals who preferred to remain out-of-sight as much as possible. The fifth floor was off-limits to both guests and most employees. Only the King and Queen of Hearts and some of the kitchen and laundry employees went up to the fifth floor. My tour guide told me that the fifth floor had its own kitchen and laundry.

I dropped off my two paper bags in my room on the way to the fourth floor for a tour of the library which, for me, was the most interesting part of the tour. The library was massive with paintings on all of the walls, an art folio section, a bibliography section, a history section, a travels section, and, of course, fiction and literature. Many of the volumes on display concerned the world above and had little to do with Wonderland.

I returned to my room and eyed the schedule for meals. Breakfast at seven o'clock, morning tea at ten o'clock, lunch at noon, afternoon tea at three o'clock, dinner at seven o'clock, and cocktails in the main lounge at nine o'clock. These people lived to eat, I thought. I stripped off my dress and lay back in bed in just lingerie and socks. I was grateful that the room came with a pair of cleaned bedroom slippers provided. It didn't take me long to fall asleep.

The next morning, just before breakfast, I saw my two paper bags on the writing desk and remembered what they were for. I took the shot glasses out of the smaller paper bag and the three bottles of bustline enhancing potion. I spent several moments just staring at the three bottles and finally broke the seal on one bottle. I poured a shot and sat staring at it remembering my tour guide's warning.

"It works by making you gain weight. It targets weight gain to the bustline, but you get bigger in other places as well."

I was no longer thin. I was average. Normal. I was the size I had been near the end of my previous tour of Wonderland. My body now completely filled the pinafore that I had picked up in the Gnome seamstress' house. I was exactly what I had wanted to be when I was in the Asylum. If the bustline enhancing formula worked, it would make me bigger than average. A bit plump. A bit round. What did I really want? I stared at the shot glass on the writing desk a few minutes longer.

"Down the hatch," I said, and drained the glass. I wanted the boobs. I wanted the wide hips. I wanted the big, heavy bottom. I wanted to be a big, plump, buxom lass. I took my morning shot faithfully every day that I was at the Queen of Hearts' Castle from then on. Two weeks later, when I got back my laundry, I noticed that my lingerie was up one size. Caterpillar up to his old tricks. Then I examined my dress. It was one of my old dresses made by my Gnome seamstress, but it was one size larger. I put it on and noticed that it fit perfectly. My previous dress had been getting tight, but I hadn't noticed yet. The same trick happened again after four weeks when I saw that my dress had been let out and a third time after six weeks when I found myself with a brand new dress. I ended up spending a total of seven weeks in the Queen of Hearts' Castle before the White Chess Pieces and I left to join up with the Gnomes who had been conducting a leisurely campaign of harassment and sabotage to soften up the Red Queen's defenses.

End of Chapter 26

This story is based on the characters created by American McGee. EA (Electronic Arts) owns the copyrights.

Chapter 27: Chapter 27  
Chapter 27: "Three Days to Liberation"

I awoke in my bed in the Asylum, and, as usual, I had no idea what time it was or even what day it was. Whenever I transitioned from one world to the other, the same question always entered my mind: do I ever really sleep? I always seemed to be awake somewhere. And yet I wasn't exhausted, so I must have been sleeping somewhere. Maybe the land of dreams was a third world that I never remembered after exiting.

I looked at the clock and saw that it was early morning. Time enough for a shower. I had slept in the nude on my back. When I flopped over on my side, I felt my breasts flop out in front of me. I was startled by this as I had never felt it before. I sat up on the edge of the bed, rubbed my eyes, and looked down to see my breasts dropping almost to my waist and then projecting straight out about eight inches. My nipples tilted upward and my breasts had a striking amount of volume on the undersides. I simply sat there and watched my breasts wobble back and forth with my slightest movement. They also blocked my view of my feet. I was completely disoriented by this change in my body, and wondered what other surprises would be coming in just the next few minutes. I felt around with my feet for my shower shoes that I kept beside my bed, and slipped my feet into them. I got up still bleary-eyed and shuffled into my bathroom for a shower. The stall itself seemed to have shrunk as I had noticeably less space around me in which to maneuver. I kept bumping the sides of my breasts and my nipples into the wall. I kept bumping my hips into the wall. I kept bumping my ass into the wall. As I washed myself, I realized that I had a sizable squishy rounding right below the belly button that was new. I sure couldn't see it. Boobs in the way. I poked my finger in and felt it sink at least an inch. I pinched the roll between my fingers and recalled that I had always had a fat little rounded tum right below the belly button before I arrived in the Asylum. I decided not to worry about it. I washed myself quickly, stepped out, and reached for my bra. Strapping it on was nearly impossible. I felt myself nearly falling out of it. My granny panties hit a wall when I pulled them up. I realized I would have to go back to my old habit of pulling my granny panties out as I pulled them up and then back in. These panties did not reach all the way to my waist. The waistband rested on top of the roll below my waist. I needed new undies. My dress was tight, too. I could barely pull down it over my bust. Getting it down past my hips was a struggle, too. After tying my waist sash in a bow in the back, I saw my tum poking out right below the sash in front. It was completely outlined. Looked a lot like a banana. I went in to my armoire to get the larger of my two pinafores and was startled to discover that I was already wearing the larger dress. Part of me was tickled to discover that. I went to breakfast and ate quickly.

I returned to my room after breakfast and Nurse Dot showed up with a second bowl of rice and beans as was customary. Perhaps I should have refused it, but I took it and ate it quickly, too. It did not occur to me to refuse it. Nurse Dot informed me that I was just three days from release and would have to have a final check by the Asylum medical office.

"Just as well," I said. "None of my clothes fit. My bra, panties, and dress are all too small."

Nurse Dot began to laugh.

"I'm not at all surprised considering the way you've been eating these last few weeks. And yes, I know that you're wearing the larger of your two pinafores. You were bursting out of the smaller one just two weeks ago. And now you're bursting out of the bigger one!"

"I've been stuffing myself these last few weeks?"

"Good Heavens, yes! You ate like you were starving!"

"I was starving. Remember?"

"Want a third bowl of rice and beans for breakfast?"

"Are you actually offering?"

"You've been eating three bowls for breakfast for weeks."

"Bring it."

Nurse Dot brought me a third bowl of rice and beans and I ate it, too. Not as quickly as the second one though.

"We in the medical office assumed it was something psychological from having been starved. We decided to do nothing. We thought it was a good idea to let you fill out a bit more. A bit extra."

"Me stuffing myself had nothing to do with psychology or with having been starved."

"Well, what was your reason for stuffing yourself?"

A memory from that other world suddenly stirred in my consciousness. Three glass bottles of "Bustline Enhancing Potion." Was there really any such thing in this world - other than stuffing yourself? I took a deep breath, threw back my shoulders, threw out my chest, and pointed at my breasts. "These."

Nurse Dot looked embarrassed and then laughed nervously.

"Two very good reasons."

I gathered up all the too-small clothes in my armoire, and Nurse Dot led me down to the medical office. Observing that no one else was around, Nurse Dot had me take off my dress to size me for new lingerie. She looked at my undersized bra in amazement.

"Dearie, that bra barely covers half of you! You're popping out of it in all directions. A wonder you got it on."

I reached behind me and unsnapped my bra letting it fall to the floor. My breasts dropped a bit and sprang forward. They were as springy as slinkies. Nurse Dot took my hand.

"Dearie, you need to see yourself in the mirror!"

I started at my face. My face had gone from narrow oval to oval to heart-shaped and was now almost round. It was the same face I had had before I had come to the Asylum. I had back my childhood cuteness and prettiness. My long hair did a perfect job of framing my plump-cheeked face. My collarbone had finally disappeared. "Good riddance!" I thought. I wanted my bones covered up. All of them. I stared at my breasts in incredulity. They were much fuller, much rounder, and projected much more than they had the last time the Asylum had prepped me for release. My breasts dropped almost to my elbows and then stuck straight out with the nipples tilted upwards. They seemed to hang closely together. I didn't realize at that time how lucky a close hang was. I turned slightly in the mirror and marveled at their projection. My breasts bobbed a bit when I turned. I asked Nurse Dot for a ruler and stuck it right under my breasts. Eight inches of projection. I was ecstatic. I had been flat-chested just three months ago. Now I had the kind of breasts that drove men crazy. I didn't care how much they were sure to get in the way.

"Do you like them, Dearie? I never thought you'd get this big!"

I grinned at Nurse Dot and jerked my shoulders left and right to make my breasts sway back and forth.

"They're perfect. I could hypnotize a man with these. I feel quite lucky."

"You might not feel so lucky when you look farther down."

I looked down and saw that my hips were soft, smooth, and continuous. No edges visible anywhere. My hipbones were completely hidden. My hips rounded sharply outwards and then dropped slowly inwards toward my thighs, which looked heavy and muscular. No wonder I had kept bumping my hips into the wall in the shower. My thighs just barely touched. They were big and solid with no softness anywhere. Right below the belly button my tum rounded outwards and stuck out. It was a single prominent roll which reached almost to my hips. I reached down to pinch the flesh and saw in the mirror about two inches between my fingers. I turned sideways and saw that my tum was a very full half-moon between my crotch and belly button. I poked it and watched it jiggle like a water-filled balloon in the mirror. I knew I was supposed to be disgusted, but my tum was so soft, so spongy, and so jiggly that I felt more curiosity than anything else and poked it again several times.

"A fat little tum is the usual price of nice-looking curves," said Nurse Dot. "Some men actually like bulging fat right below a woman's belly button. Don't be surprised if your husband starts grabbing your tum when you're naked to pull you toward him. My husband likes to do that to me."

"I'm okay with it. With my hips, I'd probably look a bit strange without a bulging tum."

Nurse Dot wanted to weigh me, and I watched the metal sliders balance at about 155 pounds. I shrugged my shoulders at her. I didn't care what the number was. I didn't care about all my "extra" flesh. I was too tickled to have such a buxom, voluptuous figure.

"I'm not sure whether to congratulate you or not. You've gained 70 pounds in three months. From 85 to 155. You have faint stretch marks on your breasts, hips, thighs, and butt. Your appearance has radically changed. You have bulges."

"Congratulate me. I jiggle in all the right places. I look like a woman. I have my pretty face back."

I poked my fingers into my hips and watched them sink. I turned away from the mirror, looked over my shoulder, poked my fingers into my bottom, and watched my fingers sink way in. I directly faced the mirror, looked up at my breasts, and slowly moved my shoulders back and forth to see my breasts slowly sway and bob back and forth. If I came down hard on my heels, my breasts and butt both bounced. My tum bounced a little, too. I couldn't help grinning at Nurse Dot.

"This beats the hell out of being skin and bones!" I said. "I'm not used to feeling my flesh jiggle when I move. The sensation is highly erotic."

Nurse Dot brought out some bras for me to try on and a corset. I objected to the corset, but Nurse Dot insisted I try it on.

"Dearie, with those huge things, a corset is almost a necessity. I don't think you'll be able to find a bra to contain that much flesh. Bras aren't exactly a common choice in Britain. A corset would also hold in that fat tum. That tum is really going to show in a dress without a corset."

"No corset. You can't do anything when you're strapped in to one of those things. Just breathing is a trial."

Nurse Dot brought out the largest bras in the stock room and I tried them all. The largest size fit well, and there were only two of them. I took both. I needed panties two sizes larger. I took four pair. Nurse Dot found a faded size 18 dress which fit me and took both of my pinafores to have them let out. There was extra material in both dresses which would make them easy to adjust.

"Remember that you once said you'd be okay with getting plump if it meant having breasts? Well, you've gotten plump. Weight is so easy to put on and nearly impossible to get off once you've got it. Take a look in the mirror. Without a corset, that tum will be poking out of your dresses for the rest of your life. Get used to it. Learn to laugh when somebody pokes you right in the bulge or pats it. You will need to learn to maneuver your body again or you will be constantly bumping your hips into things. Your bottom will fill your dresses in back and be the source of constant comments, both complimentary and not-so-complimentary. Your body will attract attention everywhere you go. You will never be able to walk in public unnoticed again. Without a corset to hold your breasts firm, their constant wobbling will provoke stares from both men and women."

"I wanted a body that attracts attention. I was tired of being invisible!"

Nurse Dot and I both walked back to my room with me clutching my new clothes. Mary Jo walked by and stopped, snickering a little at the sight of me in a dress she knew I had never worn before. She wore a mischievous grin and patted me on both hips with both hands, and then whispered in my ear.

"You're getting fat, Alice!"

Mary Jo turned around and backed her hips against me.

"I'm pretty sure I'm still wider, though!"

Mary Jo turned around and faced me with her pretty, porcelain doll face inches from mine. She was maybe two inches taller than me.

"You planning on expanding anymore? I sure hope so!"

"I think I'm leaving this place in three days."

"Oh, is that so. Well, I'll come by tonight to help you celebrate!"

Mary Jo winked at me and pressed her soft, voluptuous body up against me to give me a peck on the back of the neck and several pats on the behind. She pranced off down the hall.

"That sure was strange," I said to Nurse Dot.

"Not strange at all for Mary Jo," said Nurse Dot. "She's been in a very good mood since the Doctor fired the idiot twins. You do know that she's bisexual? Right?"

"Did she just make a pass at me?"

"What do you think?"

End of Chapter 27

This story is based on the characters created by American McGee. EA (Electronic Arts) owns the copyrights.

Chapter 28: Chapter 28  
Chapter 28: "The Obligatory Unrealistic Lesbian Fat Chick Sex Scene"

Mary Jo softly rapped on my door at around eleven o'clock that night with two sealed flasks of gin. The bottles were ice cold. She also had some clear shot glasses in a new paper lunch bag. She had a still-sealed five-pound box of chocolates with her. Good stuff. I just assumed that we would share it.

"The glasses are clean and the gin is cold. What say we both celebrate you getting out of here?"

"Where did you get this stuff?"

"Where else?" said Mary Jo. "I stole it from the administrator's office. He's been stealing from the patients here, hasn't he? I'm trying to even things up a little."

"How did you get in?"

"I'm very good at picking locks."

I felt an ice cold chill. I wondered if Mary Jo would ever steal from me. Mary Jo seemed to pick up on this.

"I'd never pick your lock unless you were lying passed out on the floor."

Mary Jo pulled out two glasses and put them on my nightstand. She opened one flask of gin and filled the two glasses without spilling a drop. She handed one glass to me.

"Bottoms up!"

Mary Jo drained her glass in one swallow and filled her glass again. She waited for me to drain my glass. I was entirely aware that I was being seduced. I drained my glass. Mary Jo immediately drained her glass and filled both our glasses again. I was already feeling a slight spin to the room.

"Wait a moment to catch your breath," said Mary Jo.

I waited a few moments and then clinked my glass with Mary Jo's glass.

"Down the hatch!" I said. We both drained our glasses in a single gulp.

Mary Jo pulled her night gown off revealing bra and panties underneath. Nobody in their right mind would wear a corset at night.

"It's getting hot," she said. "Why don't we pull your night gown off, too?"

I was having a little trouble standing. Mary Jo kept me beside the bed and stripped off my night gown. I flopped onto my bed face-up. Mary Jo flopped onto the bed as well. We both lay there panting for a minute. Mary Jo sat up and poured two more shot glasses of the flask of gin. I didn't want to hold the glass over my bed and sat up to hold it over the edge of my bed. Mary Jo did the same.

"Down the hatch!" said Mary Jo.

"I think we both getting drunk," I slurred. The room was spinning. I put my glass down on the nightstand and lay backward on my back. Mary Jo put her glass down and lay down on the bed beside me. Without warning she jerked my panties down my legs and pinched the rise below my belly button between her thumb and index finger.

"Look at that fat little tummy you're getting!" Mary Jo poked an index finger into it laughing. She lay on her back and pulled her own panties down.

"I've got a lot more tum than you, though!"

Mary Jo took my right hand and put it on top of her roll below the belly button. She had a mountain range down there. I plunged my finger in and watched it sink at least two inches. She had a mound of flesh above her belly button, as well. It felt like a down pillow.

"Look at my sinkhole!" she said, shaking her rounded jelly belly with one hand. She had an enormous, sloping belly button that plunged deep into her stomach. "I weighed about 220 pounds when I came here. Between the three bowls of porridge a day and the rape, I lost about twenty-five pounds up to the day the administrator dropped dead. Since he died, we've all been allowed to eat in the dining halls. I was back up to 200, yesterday."

Mary Jo rolled over and rubbed her hand on my stomach. "Pity you haven't got a belly. I like my girls big, soft, and squishy. I heard you weighed 85 pounds a month before I arrived. Then some benefactor started paying for your food and the administrators wanted to prep you for release. I got a tremendous kick out of watching you expand. I don't think I've ever seen a skinny girl inflate so fast. Two more months of eating like you have been, and you'd be nice and fat, just like me!" Mary Jo shifted her position and put her hand on my tum, pinching and squeezing it.

"It's a nice start, anyway."

Mary Jo pulled off her bra off revealing fat, wobbly breasts that hung down to her waist and seemed to float in front of her. Mary Jo's breasts stuck out even farther than mine and rhythmically swayed back and forth a little even when she wasn't moving. She leaned over my face and dropped her breasts on my shoulders. She wrapped her breasts around my ears.

"Earmuffs!" she laughed. "You should have seen my pair before I lost weight!"

Mary Jo reached underneath my back and undid the clasp of my bra. She pulled it off and pulled me to a sitting up position. She clapped my breasts from underneath and dropped them watching them bounce.

"Damn! You sure grew a pair! I could play all night with those!"

I leaned my shoulders back, took a deep breath, and slowly moved my shoulders back and forth. I wanted to show off my wobble.

Mary Jo did the same and her breasts wobbled even more nicely than my own.

I reached under her breasts and bounced them up and down in my hand. "Nice tits, girl!" I slurred. "I feel jealous!"

"Fat girl tits!" bragged Mary Jo. "Only fat girls are allowed to have breasts like this!" We both draped our lingerie on the back of the chair at my writing desk. We both had on only socks. We downed another pair of shots.

"Enough foreplay!" slurred Mary Jo. She shoved me onto my back and crawled on top of me draping her breasts in my face. She lowered her body onto mine. Her soft belly spilled all over my stomach. It felt like a freshly heated blanket. She reached her hand down between my legs and...

A portal opened next to the bed. Out popped some shaggy-haired geek with a bag of Skittles and a can of Coke. He looked like he hadn't slept in days. A weird looking hand-rolled cigarette dangled from his left hand. He was wearing a t-shirt that said "FanFiction Dot Net Administrator."

"None of that in plain view, now! Might be kiddies watching!" He threw a blanket over Mary Jo and me. "Do your business and I'll remove the blanket when the good stuff is over!" Mary Jo let loose with a string of Victorian expletives about "tech support."

... and everything down there felt wet. I started to pant. About twenty seconds later I felt intense spasms and I began to clench Mary Jo between my legs. A moment later, I felt intense relief and rolled over. The FanFiction Dot Net administrator picked up the blanket he had thrown over us and disappeared back through a portal. Mary Jo poured the last of the gin from the flask into the two shot glasses. She drank hers and poured mine into my mouth. I spilled a little of it on my pillow.

"Now for the chocolates, girl! Yes, I'll wash my hands after opening the box!"

Mary Jo ripped open the box of chocolates and went into the bathroom to wash. I lay on my back panting. Mary Jo opened the second flask of gin and poured two shots.

"Sit up, girl! Bottoms up!"

Mary Jo drained hers, and, after panting a few times, I drained mine. The room was really spinning and I felt hot. Mary Jo began putting pieces of chocolate in my mouth.

"Chew and swallow, girl! Be quick about it!"

Mary Jo put one piece after another in my mouth. As soon as I had chewed and swallowed one piece, she immediately popped another piece in my mouth. After what must have been twenty pieces, she poured two more shots of gin.

"Down the hatch, girl!"

I couldn't sit up to drink mine, and Mary Jo slowly poured the gin in my mouth. She began popping more chocolates in my mouth. I tasted the chocolates less and less and barely seemed aware of them. I started chewing and swallowing them just to get them out of the way, but there was always another piece in my mouth just as soon as I swallowed the previous one. I started to feel really stuffed, but she kept putting the chocolates in my mouth. I was too blitzed to wave her hand away. I just kept chewing and swallowing. Mary Jo looked me in the face.

"If we were back in my house, I'd stuff you with five full pounds of chocolates every time we had sex."

"Did I just swallow five pounds of chocolates?" I slurred. I was barely aware of my surroundings at that point.

"Yes! You did! If you're lucky, they'll go straight to your belly button. I've made a big girl out of several skinny sticks. Wish I could do the same with you."

"I'm leaving in three days," I slurred.

Mary Jo began to do the same thing between her legs that she had done to me. "Watch carefully, girl, so you can do this yourself!" A few minutes later, Mary Jo collapsed beside me and we both went to sleep.

I found an empty five-pound box of chocolates, two empty gin flasks, and two shot glasses on my nightstand in the morning. Mary Jo was gone. My head throbbed and my stomach felt stretched to bursting. I decided to skip breakfast. I looked at my bedsheets and was relieved. No blood. Mary Jo must have been highly skilled. To my surprise, none of my stuff was missing. Brushes and combs were prized in the Asylum. I was not eager for a repeat experience. She was weird.

End of Chapter 28

This story is based on the characters created by American McGee. EA (Electronic Arts) owns the copyrights. Certain elements of a sex scene were excluded to stay within the confines of an "M" rating. Guest appearance by an unknown FanFiction Dot Net administrator.

Version 3

Chapter 29: Chapter 29  
Chapter 29: "Cue the Infernal Choir: Battle Against the Red Queen"

I woke up in a room that was definitely not in the Asylum. Way too luxurious for that. In a moment, I remembered that I was in the Queen of Hearts' Castle. I looked at my calendar with all of the X's on it and realized that I had been at the Queen of Hearts' Castle for seven weeks now. I looked on my nightstand and saw two bottles of "Bustline Enhancing Potion." The opened bottle was about one-fourth full. I remembered my routine and unscrewed the cap to pour my morning shot. Down the hatch! I looked at the calendar again and realized that today was the day I was scheduled to leave the Castle and rejoin the Gnomes who were laying siege to the Red Queen's Castle. I showered quickly, got dressed, and headed downstairs to join the Queen of Hearts at breakfast.

When I sat down at the table in front of Queen Rania, my breasts thumped down on the table into my plate and knocked a spoon onto the floor. I forgot to tuck my boobs under the table. Queen Rania broke into hysterical laughter. I think she even had a few tears rolling down her eyes.

"That bustline enhancer sure worked on you! You walked in here with C-cups and an average sized body, and now you're the most filled-out, voluptuous sexpot Wonderland has ever seen. Is that dress a size 20? I think it is. You sure rounded out nicely. Are you happy?"

"Except for whomping my breakfast setting, yes." I turned slowly for Queen Rania. "This is exactly what I wanted."

"I can't send you off to battle with your boobs sticking out like a pair of American footballs. You need a corset to hold those in place. You can take it off after the battle is over. You don't even need to return it. Consider it a gift."

Queen Rania ordered over a servant and instructed her to fit me with a "battle corset" that restricted the breasts as much as possible without interfering with breathing. I was led downstairs into a clothing room and had to remove my dress to be fitted. When I left, I ran into the servant who had given me the "Bustline Enhancing Potion."

"I warned you that stuff would make you gain weight. Looks like it put 25 pounds on you."

"I'm okay with this. I'm wearing a battle corset to hold my chest in." I pulled my dress tight over my chest. Even with a corset, my proportions were obvious.

"It sure did work."

I reached my hand to the servant and thanked him. "I have to leave. Time to go fight the Red Queen. Wish me luck."

I went back to my room, gathered up my few belongings, snatched the two bottles of "Bustline Enhancing Potion," and met up with the White Bishop and two White Knights. Cheshire had already left. Queen Rania gave both of the White Knights identical heavy packages to carry. We crossed the drawbridge with canteens full of water slung over our shoulders to begin our hike.

We walked, and walked, and walked. I started panting, and the White Chess Pieces noticed.

"All that weight you put on in the Queen of Hearts' Castle is slowing you down. I've never seen you pant like this before."

"The price of beauty, eh?"

The White Bishop guffawed. "More like the price of overindulgence."

One of the White Knights defended me. "Let's not be too harsh. She does look like an old European painting."

The other White Knight then nailed me. "Yes, she does look like an old European painting. A painting by Rubens."

"You guys talk about me as if I were some 300-pound blimp," I complained. "I have a 33-inch waist. I'm not huge."

The White Bishop suggested that we stop under some trees and eat the lunch in our shoulderbags. He suggested that perhaps I should skip my lunch.

"Not on your life!" I defiantly ate my lunch in front of the Chess Pieces while they snickered at my fleshier form. One of the White Knights suggested that my boobs probably weighed more than a Card Guard. I suppose it was supposed to be an insult, but I couldn't help exploding into laughter at the idea. I thought it was more insulting to the Card Guards.

Four more hours of walking, me panting all the way, and we joined up with the Gnomes. It was friggin' hot in that battle corset. The Gnomes all took one look at me and started snickering. I could hear the whispers. Then the Gnome Elder saw me. His jaw hit the ground. Instantaneous lust. The other Gnomes stopped snickering at me and started snickering at the Gnome Elder's painfully obvious erection. One of the other Gnomes poked me and whispered in my ear.

"I've long heard rumors that the old man's got a thing for chubby human women. You now look like Venus to him."

"No sex before battle," I said in the Gnome's ear.

"No worries," whispered the Gnome. "He'll do what he always does."

"What's that?"

"Clean his rifle, pound his hound, whack his mack, grind his groin, rub his nub, you get the idea."

"Yes, I do. A man's gotta do what a man's gotta do."

"Anybody got battle plans that we can use?" I asked aloud the gnome who had been whispering to me.

The Gnome Elder walked up with his boner. The other Gnomes all stepped back to avoid getting knocked over.

"Can't you guys just teleport yourselves inside the walls? I asked. Stupid question. The Gnome Elder answered me.

"We can only teleport short-range in a line-of-sight manner. Teleporting from one side of a door or wall to the other side is impossible for us. We aren't exactly quick at it either. Thought you knew that."

"No, I didn't." The Gnome Elder then turned to address the White Chess pieces and me.

"We Gnomes have no reasonable chance of getting in, but we can keep all of the Red Queen's guards occupied by laying dynamite right at the foundation of the Castle. We go up so close that the guards can't see us. They've been constantly worrying about a breach - especially at the storm water drain. If we can blow those iron bars across the opening, we would have an entrance. The guards know that and try to keep us away from the storm drain. They have to come outside the Castle to monitor it. You could use your dress to parachute in to the roof of the Castle from the mountains. How long has it been since you did any gliding in your dress?"

The other Gnomes collapsed on the ground laughing.

"The last time she used her dress to glide, she was a skinny fifteen-year-old kid with no boobs, no hips, and no ass! Look at her now! Not a chance in hell she can glide!"

"I did a lot of gliding on my last tour through. You guys keep forgetting that Caterpillar has been upgrading my dresses when he resized them. The metal rods in the pleats of my dresses are stronger than ever."

I found a slight hill and jumped off. I glided along just as graceful as ever. The only catch was that the downward slope of my glide was increased. It was obvious that my days of gliding on a flat plane were over. On the positive side, my glide was more stable than it had ever been, probably because my butt outweighed my boobs. My glide dress with its metal waistband and metal spokes in the pleats was possibly Hatter's greatest invention.

The Gnome Elder took the White Chess Pieces and most of the Gnomes with him to distract the Castle guards with charges of dynamite randomly placed around the Castle walls. By keeping right up against the Castle wall, they could avoid being seen. Two Gnomes led me up into the nearby mountain range to look for an above-the-Castle-roof vantage point where I might have a chance to glide downward onto the roof.

With the sound of randomly-placed dynamite charges going off echoing in our ears, the two Gnomes and I futilely searched for a spot close enough to offer some chance of a glide landing on the roof. The distance was simply too great. Even when I was fifteen, I wouldn't have found a spot close enough for a glide to the Castle roof.

"I think we're going to have to use the wall-climbing equipment that the two White Knights dragged along with them," I said to the two Gnomes. I dreaded the thought of a laborious climb up the side of the Castle because of the time required and the chance of being discovered. I could glide down, but the Gnomes would plunge straight down if the ropes were cut. I doubted that their ability of short-range teleportation would be sufficient to save them from such a mishap.

While I pondered what to do next in despair, a group of furry little saviors arose at the horizon enshrouded in dust clouds. The two Gnomes and I hurried down the mountainside to greet them.

"Alice, we are here!"

Five little furballs on tiny little motorized bikes, each with a backpack containing a tiny parasail - invented by Hatter the night before of Wonderland Weed induced inspiration and desperation. They all turned around revealing capes reading "Hell's Hamsters." The superheroes of Wonderland, one and all. They had come to save the day.

"Take us back up on the mountainside and we can glide onto the roof!"

"What will you do once you're there?"

"Leave that to us! We have a plan!"

Then the five little furballs looked me up and down and looked at each other quizzically. The leader of the Pack then asked me.

"What happened to you since we saw you last? You were tiny!"

"My appetite came back."

The furballs looked at each other and then back at me. The Pack leader spoke.

"It's an improvement. You don't look like you could die from falling on your ass anymore! You don't look so fragile!" The other furballs nodded their heads. Polite little rascals. Up we went back into the mountains. I had a final warning for them before they took off in their tiny little parasails.

"Keep your eyes open for tripwires. There are probably very few defenders left inside that Castle. They probably have most of it rigged by now with extensive booby traps. Tripwires will be nearly invisible threads running just inches above the floor. Best of luck to you."

"Don't worry about us! Just keep watching the main door to the Castle and the drawbridge."

The two Gnomes and I stayed long enough to watch our five furry saviors all land successfully on the roof of the Castle, and then we started carefully back down the mountainside to a vantage point with view of the main door of the Castle. Cheshire appeared in front of us with a message.

"The Gnomes are doing a good job of keeping the Castle defenders spread out trying to guard all four sides at once, but there is still no viable entrance point inside. Alice, I think you're going to have to use the mountain climbing equipment that the White Chess Pieces hauled with them to scale the side of the Castle. Even worse, I think you would have to go alone. I don't think there's any reasonable way for you to carry me up. I don't fancy you crawling in a window that's almost sure to be rigged with explosive or a crossbow. The Red Queen, without those Bible thumpers as her enforcers, doesn't really seem to pose a threat. Maybe we could all just go home?"

"The Red Queen will always be a threat as long as she exists. I refuse to scale the Castle walls and crawl in an open window. It's suicide. A better option for us would be to look for the Castle's water supply pipeline and sabotage it. They wouldn't last very long without water. We don't have to go in after them. We can, by depriving them of water, make them come outside the Castle where they will be easy targets."

"Alice, you're smarter than all the rest of us. Nobody thought of sabotaging the Castle's water supply. A very safe way of flushing them out. I'll go tell the Gnomes to start looking around for water intake pipes to destroy."

"Our Hamster friends are up on the roof right now. They told me to watch the Castle's front door for activity. Perhaps we should wait and give our furry little friends time to do their thing."

So there we sat, eyes on the front door of the Castle, waiting as the minutes ticked by on the watches of the two Gnomes. I was getting bleary-eyed and sleepy when Cheshire rubbed a paw over my arm.

"Alice, wake up! The front door of the Castle just opened."

We hurried down to join the rest of the Gnomes and the White Chess pieces who watched as five Red Chess Pieces came marching out in a very peculiar robotic gait. The White Knights drew their swords, and the White Bishop readied his cane laser.

"There are five Red Chess Pieces coming out, the same number as the number of hamsters," I said. "I wonder if there is any connection."

The five Red Chess Pieces robotically marched in front of the two White Knights, each with the same message relayed in a robotic voice.

"I have a hamster up my butt. Please chop my head off.

"I have a hamster up my butt. Please chop my head off.

"I have a hamster up my butt. Please chop my head off.

"I have a hamster up my butt. Please chop my head off.

"I have a hamster up my butt. Please chop my head off.

The White Bishop laid the five Red Chess Pieces down in a line, and the two White Knights made quick work of the Red Chess Pieces' necks. After each head was severed, a hamster popped out the butt of the Red Chess Piece and performed his victory hamster dance. Dean Reed appeared out of the shadows to provide the musical accompaniment. The hamster dance again. When the last hamster had performed his victory dance, Mr. Reed faded back into the shadows like a second Cheshire Cat. The leader of the Hamster Pack had a warning for me.

"Alice, you still can't go in. There are trip wires everywhere. We've set a few of them off by accident. The trip wires are hooked up to crossbows. You'd get an arrow the size of a baseball bat through your chest if you went in there. The arrows, of course, just sailed way over our heads. There are no explosives inside that we've encountered. I think they've already used all the explosives they had stored in the Castle. It appears they were running out of food, too. All the pet cats are gone."

Cheshire fainted.

"We're going back in to get another five Red Chess Pieces. Give us time, and we'll get them all."

Our five furry little heroes marched back into the Castle singing.

Hi ho! Hi ho!

It's off to ass-bomb we go!

We'll crawl inside

We'll fuck their brains

They'll lose their heads

And make undie stains

Hi ho! Hi ho!

Off we heroes go!

Sure can't say they have any self-esteem issues.

"Anybody have something stiff to fan Cheshire with?" I asked.

"The Gnome Elder has something stiff, but I don't think you could fan Cheshire with it!"

"Oh, Good Heavens! Is that the same boner he had around noon?"

"Yup. He's been rubbin' on it for hours. He can't get no relief."

Fifteen minutes later our furry little heroes came out with another five Red Chess Pieces. The two White Knights did their duty, our heroes did their victory dance, and back they went for more Red Chess Piece booty. The next time they came out, our heroes said that the rest was up to me.

"We've cleaned out all the Red Chess pieces except the Queen. We think we've tripped all the booby traps, but we still think you should jackbomb any room you enter as a precaution. The tripwires are thin thread just strong enough not to break. One jackbomb would break all the threads in a small room. In a larger room, you'd have to toss the device in multiple times to be safe. It's all up to you now. We can't get close to the Red Queen because of those little gobs of explosive she kept tossing at us. Our little legs can't run fast enough to dodge those things. You can dodge them, though. You're a lot faster than us!"

The Gnomes immediately started snickering at the idea that I could still run faster than the Hamsters. I was irritated at their apparent conception that I was a blimp. Since when is a 33-inch waist a blimp? Just because I had some heft on the hips and butt didn't mean I couldn't run. I felt Cheshire rub against my leg, but I couldn't see him. Apparently Cheshire had recovered from his faint and felt obligated to accompany me for another battle with another Red Queen. I winced when I remembered what happened the last time. I crossed the drawbridge and headed in the front door, and Cheshire rubbed my leg again to let me know he was there. Staying invisible. Good idea.

I jackbombed each room before entering and saw utter waste after entering. Far more damage than my jackbombs could have caused. The Hamsters had caused the Red Chess pieces to destroy just about everything in an attempt to drive them out. After jackbombing several more rooms, I entered a room where the now solitary Red Queen was sitting in a throne chair waiting for me. I felt Cheshire rub against my leg.

The Red Queen stood up and tossed a gob of explosive at me. I dodged to the left, and she suddenly grabbed at her face. Cheshire became visible and hopped down from her shoulder with his legs spinning before he landed. The Red Queen screeched like she been scalded with her hands on her eyes.

"This is too easy," I thought, and pulled my autoinjector dart gun out of my backpack. I loaded a dark orange mushroom extract bullet into the chamber and aimed leisurely while the Red Queen howled. She couldn't see me or anything else at all. Blam! One dart in. The Red Queen screeched and yanked the dart out, but the damage was done. All the extract had been injected. I loaded a second dart, and fired. The Red Queen screeched again and yanked the dart out only after it had injected its contents. I fired a third dart, and witnessed a funny expression on the Red Queen's face. She put her hand on her chest. Time to run!

I turned tail and ran as I heard a tidal wave of boobage hit the floor behind me. I leapt over rubbage, over half-destroyed chairs, over broken pieces of furniture, over broken door frames, and raced for the Castle door. The tidal wave of boobage behind me sounded closer than ever. I raced for the drawbridge and felt a rush of wind behind me. I leapt over the end of the drawbridge and kept on running past the Gnomes who signalled that I was safe. The Red Queen's expanded boobage had dropped into the moat and stalled. It rose up high into the air and quivered like a mountain of jello. Surely she would suffocate in a few moments entombed in all that boobage.

One Gnome looked at me and laughed.

"I didn't think you could run that fast with a caboose that big!"

I searched for Cheshire. I had to ask what he had done to the Red Queen.

"I peed in her eyes. Blinds Chess Pieces immediately. Maybe other Wonderland creatures, as well."

I fell backwards on my caboose. Cheshire laughed.

"Comfy landing, I presume?

"Oh, yes. Very comfy."

"Only Caterpillar and Humpty knew about cat piss as a weapon. And me, of course!"

I burst out laughing and pulled my pinafore up over my head. Time to get out of the battle corset. I yanked the cords on the back and pulled it off. My breasts popped forward and bounced a few times to bask in the sweet moment of liberation from the entrapment of a leather sauna. The Gnome Elder was watching and grabbed his erection in agony. I could feel my breasts still jiggling when he toppled over.

A Gnome walked over and touched a hand to him. He shook his head.

"He's dead, Alice."

Another Gnome walked over and looked down at the Gnome Elder's prostrate body.

"I always knew that an erection lasting longer than four hours would get him."

End of Chapter 29

This story is based on the characters created by American McGee. EA (Electronic Arts) owns the copyrights.

The Hampster Dance was written by R. DeBoer, A. Grace, and P. Grace. (Suggested listening for this chapter)

Chapter 30: Chapter 30  
Chapter 30: "Big is Beautiful - Sometimes"

I awoke with a start and kicked off my covers. I had slept in the nude and, for a moment, didn't know where I was. The design of the door made it obvious that I was in the Asylum world. The X's on the calendar made it clear that it was move-out day for me. My one battered suitcase was already packed. A checklist with everything checked off on my nightstand made it clear that all the paperwork was completed. All I had to do was shower, dress, eat breakfast, and then go down to the lobby to wait to get picked up. I wondered if my shower was the last time I would ever shower in the Asylum. Perhaps not. A written job offer lay on my nightstand asking me to consider going to nursing school and working part-time at the Asylum. The doctor said the Asylum would pay for my training if I would commit to working there for a minimum of five years after completing training. I would receive room and board at the Asylum without cost. I hadn't decided yet.

I went to the dining hall for my last breakfast there and ate nervously. I took longer than usual. When I came back to my room, Nurse Dot had dropped by with two extra bowls of rice and beans. I had never stopped her doing this.

"Whoever let out my two pinafores did a good job. They're both exactly the same size. They both actually feel a little loose."

"The looseness was deliberate. Both of your pinafores are now a British size 20, or an American size 18. Remember that size difference if you ever buy a dress made in the United States."

"Why let out my dresses to a bigger size than I need?"

"It was my decision. I'm quite convinced that you'll expand at least another size after moving in with your benefactor. Time to go to the lobby. Maybe your benefactor is already waiting."

"I just call him Charles. Childhood friend of the family."

Nurse Dot and I went downstairs to the lobby. Nurse Dot lugged my suitcase for me. I've seen her drag pieces of furniture up the stairs occasionally when the freight lift stopped working. Charles was waiting for me.

"Lovely to see you again after all these years! Shall we go?" Charles offered me his arm and led me outside. I waived goodbye to Nurse Dot.

As Charles loaded my suitcase into the carriage, I sensed him looking me up and down. For the moment I was flattered. I thought I was exactly what upper-middle-class Victorian gentlemen wanted.

Charles made polite small talk in the carriage as the two horses drew us to his home near the campus of Christ Church College. Upon arrival, he grabbed my suitcase and took my hand to help me down. He led me into his home and offered me a seat while he went to the kitchen to make some tea. I sensed some discomfort on his part.

"Is there anything wrong, Charles?"

Charles hesitated and went back into the kitchen to attend to the tea. He came out a few minutes later with a cup of hot tea for both of us. He sat in the chair directly in front of me. He looked me up and down and smiled.

"I'm astounded at how plump and rounded you've become."

Remembering what Nurse Dot had told me, I was certain that this was a compliment. High praise. With a big grin, I stood up and slowly turned around in my dress to let Charles see all of me. I sat down and leaned forward to let my breasts hang forward in my dress. I knew very well that they would hang almost to my knees if I positioned my legs just right. I wanted to show off what I had. I wanted to let Charles see what he would be soon be showing off to his friends. What Victorian gentleman would not enjoy showing off a ladyfriend as buxom as me? Charles, it turned out, was also eying the roll below my waist which was prominently outlined in my dress.

"I had always hoped that someday that you would outgrow your childhood pudginess," said Charles.

Now he had my attention. "What?" I stammered. An ice-cold chill went down my spine. All the pride I felt in my voluptuous proportions just drained out of me. Had I deliberately rounded out only to end up regretting it?

"You look lovely. I just hadn't expected you to be so...chubby."

Normally I would have considered the word "chubby" a compliment. A synonym for "voluptuous," "sensuous," and "sexy." I'm sure my shoulders slumped. I was caught totally by surprise. After an uncomfortable silence that I'm sure was actually no more that ten seconds at the most, I answered him.

"I thought chubbiness was considered attractive."

"In the upper and professional classes, I suppose it is. I've never felt comfortable around the affluent. You probably remember that from childhood."

"You would find me more attractive if I were thin?"

"I would settle for just normal or average."

"I look pretty awful skinny. I speak from long experience."

"When have you ever been skinny?" asked Charles.

I walked over to my suitcase and pulled out the few photographs that I possessed. All were taken in the Asylum. They were group photos.

"I'm the tiny one dead center in the front row in this photograph." I handed it to Charles. "That was taken one month before you began paying for my food.

"I don't see you anywhere in the photograph," said Charles. I got up and pointed myself out. "That can't have been you!" exclaimed Charles. "The face is much too different."

"That was me. Ugly, wasn't I? I was slowly starving to death on the standard unpaid food portion of three bowls of porridge a day. If you didn't have someone paying for your food, that's what you got. I probably would have died in a couple of months if you finally hadn't found me."

"Why you couldn't have been anything more than skin and bone!"

"The Asylum administrator panicked and put me on a diet of at least five bowls of rice and beans per day plus all those care packages you sent me. He assumed when he saw the two pinafores that that was the size you expected me to be when you came to pick me up. Nurse Dot was ordered to fatten me up by at least three stone. I was eighty-five pounds when I started getting extra food. That was three months ago."

Charles looked me up and down in amazement. He led me into his study which had a dusty old sliding weights scale just like the one in the medical office at the Asylum.

"I just have to know. I'm astounded that you were eight-five pounds three months ago."

I was, of course, quite eager to strip in front of him to show off what I had. I took my shoes off first. I pulled my pinafore up over my head. I unclasped my bra letting it suddenly pop off letting my breasts drop and pop outwards a bit. I felt my breasts bounce at least twice. Charles looked like he was about to faint as he eyed my breasts. I pulled down my granny panties exposing my fat half-moon-shaped bulging tum. My breasts, butt, and tum all jiggled as I pulled my panties over my feet and draped them on a chair.

"I hope you don't mind a girl having a tum that sticks out." I pinched together two inches of flesh right below my belly button. "This tum is here to stay."

I stepped on Charle's scale and moved the sliders to 155. Nothing. No movement. I slowly slid the pounds weight up and the scales balanced at a little bit above 160."

"Let's call it 161," I said. "All this in ninety days. I have stretch marks." I pointed to the faint but visible marks on my breasts, hips, butt, and tum. "I put this weight on quick and I enjoyed putting it on. I couldn't take being a bag of bones anymore. I couldn't take being little Miss Flatsie anymore. I couldn't take having an ugly narrow face."

Charles, a mathematics teacher, slowly looked me up and down.

"Nine more pounds and you would have doubled your weight. About seventy-five pounds in ninety days. That takes effort."

"Yes, it did. It took a lot of effort. Extra at every meal. Two bowls of rice and beans right before going to bed. All the candy in your care packages. I remembered the women you dated when I was a child. Every single one of them was a big buxom type. Round face, big breasts, big hips, big butt. Big plump girls. I wanted to be just like them. As big, plump, rounded, and buxom as I could manage in 90 days. Mostly I wanted the breasts."

"You did this all for me?"

"Yes."

Charles stood there eying my entire body up and down. My face, my breasts, my hips, my butt.

"You're quite shapely for a girl who's obviously overweight."

I had won. I grinned like the Cheshire Cat. I stepped off the scales and turned sideways to Charles for a profile view. I cupped my hands underneath my breasts and bounced them gently.

"Big, jiggly breasts that stick out straight look good in a dress, don't they?"

I cupped my hands under my bulging tum right below the belly button and bounced it, too. I was still grinning. My fat, bulging tum helped to emphasize my waistline.

"I still have a waist."

I patted my hips, pressed into the fat on them, and ran my hands up and down along the curvature of my hips.

"Big, wide hips look good in a dress, too."

I turned my back to him and lifted up my butt in both hands. And then I let it drop. I could feel my butt bounce. I grabbed handfuls of flesh on my backside and squeezed. Then I lifted my butt up again and dropped it. I loved the feel of my butt bouncing.

"And look at my butt. It bounces when I walk. I thought you liked big girls. Round-faced girls. So I wanted to be one. A big, plump, buxom lass with sweeping, rounded fleshy curves. Maybe 180 pounds. Maybe even 200 pounds. As long as I still had an easily visible waist."

Charles looked me up and down and sighed, but it was a sigh of resignation. I could tell that he was okay with my body.

End of Chapter 30

This story is based on the characters created by American McGee. EA (Electronic Arts) owns the copyrights.

Chapter 31: Chapter 31  
Chapter 31: "Be What You Want to Be"

"I want you to be happy. I want to marry you. No conditions. No strings attached. Whatever you want for yourself is okay with me. Your body is your business. Let's go buy a common marriage license."

"You want to marry me now, and you don't care what size I am or what size I will become?"

"There's only one of you. The only way to have you is to take you in whatever size you come."

"I could eat three big meals a day, snack constantly, and eat before bedtime, and you wouldn't even blink?"

"I'm sure I'd grit my teeth, but I also realize that I'm dealing with a girl who has been starved and probably abused. I'd be astonished if you did not have at least a few psychological issues regarding food."

"I can eat what I want? No nagging? No restrictions?"

"It's your body."

"Well, then. I'm glad that's settled."

"Then's let's go purchase the marriage license."

"You don't mind being married to a big girl?"

"You aren't quite what I would call a big girl."

Charles offered me his arm.

"Shall we go?"

"Go where?"

"Off to buy the marriage license, of course!"

"You're brave."

"Yes, I am."

Charles and I did get married, and when I moved in at his place and looked around at the food that he had, I realized that I was in trouble. Charles bought rice by the 20-pound bag. He had a garden full of fresh vegetables. He had outdoor window sill planters full of basil and parsley. He used meat only as a condiment in his cooking. He liked fish. His icebox was full of cabbage. Everything was so healthy it was disgusting. No wonder Charles had no fear of me getting fat. A girl couldn't get fat in his place if she tried. A fear gnawed at my mind until it finally escaped my lips in a full-throated cry.

"How am I going to keep my boobs in this place?"

My exclamation was so out of the blue that Charles doubled over laughing. I had to explain to him that if I lost the slightest amount of weight, my chest, in which I took so much pride, would shrink.

"I gotta feed my boobs!"

Charles eyed my chest. I could see that he was thinking hard about his preferences.

"They are very nice. Absolutely spectacular. It would be a pity if you lost them. Maybe I don't prefer thin women after all."

Charles began buying Cadbury's milk chocolate in bulk and encouraged me to indulge myself. It was just enough for me to keep the body that I already had. To keep the extra flesh in the places that count. I owe my tits to Cadbury's. My hips, thighs, and ass, too. Love is chocolate.

THE END

This story is based on the characters created by American McGee. EA (Electronic Arts) owns the copyrights.

Chapter 32: Chapter 32  
Chapter 32: Author's Notes

There's always one in every junior high school. In my junior high school, her name was Barbara, and I encountered her for the first time in the school library. I went to junior high school in the 1970s, and I was twelve years old in the seventh grade. Back then, junior high school kids were quite a skinny lot compared to what you see nowadays. About 40 percent of us were skinny and scrawny, maybe fifty percent of us were normal, and about 10 percent of us were slightly chubby. I was one of the 40 percent who were skinny and scrawny. One of the flatsies. Yeah, in seventh grade, just about all of us were still flatsies. Puberty didn't begin until maybe eighth grade when a few of the girls started to develop.

I encountered Barbara for the first time in the school library. I was looking through the stacks at the books on the top shelf. Barbara must have entered the aisle behind me. I didn't know she was there. Barbara leaned back against the book shelving and let her breasts completely block the aisle. Barbara's breasts were the wonder of my junior high school. Her breasts came down to her waist and then hung out in front of her like a pair of American footballs suspended in mid-air. They tilted upwards a bit positioning her nipples, which you could see in everything she wore, pointing up at the ceiling. Her breasts not only stuck out to a mind-boggling degree, they also bulged out a bit at the sides as well. They wobbled sideways to-and-fro with every single breath, step, or movement that Barbara made. I put my book back up on the top shelf, turned around to exit the aisle, and got a face full of Barbara. Did I mention that I was short? About five feet tall. Then and now. I walked face-first into Barbara's boobs, and toppled over backwards onto the floor, my eyeballs, I'm quite sure, wide open and staring.

Two boys witnessed the event from behind me and began to laugh. Barbara made a quick exit and was nowhere to be seen. Was it a prank, or an accident? I don't know. One of the boys questioned me.

"What's the matter, Nikki? Get a facefull?"

"That girl's a freak!" I sputtered. I was not the least bit jealous of Barbara. I may have hated being a flatsie, but I would not have wanted breasts that unwieldy even when I despaired of ever landing a boyfriend. Barbara had a face like a photoshop accident. Her eyes looked a bit unnaturally far apart. Her nose looked like an accident with a cotton-picker. Her lips were directly underneath her nose. There was nearly no space between her nose and mouth. Her face was a complete catastrophe. Barbara never lacked for boyfriends. One after another. She could never keep the same one for very long, I noticed. I didn't get my first boyfriend until college. Still skinny and flat-chested.

The feminine ideal in Victorian England was plump, buxom, and curvaceous, with the waist cinched in to an absurdly tiny size by a corset. It's easy to imagine Alice eying the occasional high society lady visiting the Asylum with a bit of envy not just for her luxurious clothes, but also for her luxurious, obviously well-fed figure. Then Alice goes back to her room, looks at her own skinny, underfed, underdeveloped figure in working-class clothes in a full-length mirror, and throws up her hands in despair thinking she's hideous.

Alice's breasts in the good ending (Alice/Charles) and the neutral ending (Alice/Mr. Reed) were modeled to some degree after Barbara's breasts. Actually, I think Alice's breasts are smaller simply because they didn't bulge out sideways the way Barbara's did. I gave top-heavy Alice a more fetching profile.

In the two bad endings in which Alice loses weight, she still remains rounded enough to look acceptable in Victorian society. The important thing is that she doesn't look poor. In Victorian society, a thin physique was associated with poverty. Alice is definitely not thin in the two bad endings.

Afternote inserted. The alternate endings have been removed because fanfiction dot net forbids "interactive material." I had one decision point in the story, but that might have been enough to draw attention from the site's self-appointed censors and prompt a complaint that resulted in the story being removed. I did not want to risk removal of this story over the one chapter with a decision point. Straight, unaltered song lyrics have also been removed. Only the parody lyrics remain.

I don't think I would want breasts as large as top-heavy Alice, myself. I'm five feet tall. Before a two-day hospital stay, I was 150 pounds which were mostly in the right places. I was a Judy Garland type. Was. Two weeks after my hospital stay, I was 140 pounds. The blood pressure medicine prescribed in the hospital made me absolutely miserable for two months until a doctor switched me to another medication. I lost an additional five pounds during those two months. Down to 135 pounds. Lost my C-cups. Now A-cups. Lost a few inches on my hips. Lost my fat little tum below the belly button. I was borderline voluptuous before the hospital stay. The need now to sharply restrict my sodium intake makes it impossible to gain the weight back. I'd like to gain those fifteen pounds back, and maybe even an additional five, even if it does mean getting a fat little tum below the belly button again. I miss my C-cups. I miss the fully rounded hips I had. I miss my backside bounce. I want to fill my old 16W (American size) dresses the way I used to again. I can definitely sympathize with Alice's desire to avoid losing weight. It sucks to lose nice-looking curves. My usual clothes are now obviously a bit too big. I'm two dress sizes smaller. I had to dig out old clothes. When you're five feet tall, every single pound up or down shows. I wouldn't wish "Benign Positional Vertigo" on anybody.

End of Chapter 32

This story is based on the characters created by American McGee. EA (Electronic Arts) owns the copyrights.

Chapter 33: Chapter 33  
Chapter 33: "About Dean Reed"

Dean Reed is probably the most famous American that Americans living inside the U.S. have never heard of. Outside of the U.S., he was probably the most famous American in the world in the 1970s. Inside the Soviet bloc, he was a superstar. He was nicknamed "The Red Elvis" because he mixed his singing and movies with political activism. In 1973 he moved to Communist East Germany (German Democratic Republic). No, he was not insane. For all its faults, the German Democratic Republic was also one of the most socially advanced countries on Earth. There was no homelessness, no hunger, and no genuine poverty. Living conditions, however, were often mediocre. Contrast that to the horrors you will see in any large American city outside the business district.

The first place to check for information about him would be Wikipedia. There is a German-language fansite at www dot deanreed dot de. There are two biographies on YouTube about him. The first one is titled "American Rebel: The Dean Reed Story." The second one is "Dean Reed: The Red Elvis" which is a German-language documentary with English subtitles. It sometimes gives the impression that it is going to be a hatchet job on Reed. You can also find some of his music on YouTube.


End file.
